Not depression. I just suck.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kath123, Nov 14, 2008.

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  1. Kath123

    Kath123 Active Member

    I saw my old psychiatrist the other day. It's been years. He said something like: I can give you something that will help stop the symptoms from getting in the way but you'll still have problems.

    Perfectly reasonable. Except really I went there hoping that he had something magic that will make it all go away. Even though I knew he didn't. That he'd tell me the hopelessness is all in my head. Even though I knew it wasn't. It's just reality. I told myself I was just depressed and to hang in there, but what I feel isn't imagined, it's the reality that I've made. Not some misfiring wires or lack of this or that neurotransmitter.

    I guess it's typical of me that I'd try to make the shithole that I've turned my life into out to be an illness. I'm just one of those people who suck. Who won't take responsibility, won't get their act together. Passive, self-centered, lazy and worthless. And when I understand that I don't want to live life, well that's the way it should be. If it were someone else I'd say, "good, now maybe they'll learn."

    Except I can't learn. I don't learn. I'm 39 and I've tried to change. I've changed for a while but I end up miserable and terrible - but in new and different ways - and slip back into uselessness every time eventually. It's like I'm an addict who's hit bottom, except I'm not addicted to anything except being a completely useless, selfish piece of shit. And there's no 12 step for that.

    I'm trying to confront the fact that instead of just fantasizing, I really really need to end this. The longer I live, the more I poison everything. I'm a cancer. But if I kill the cancer I destroy my parents (who I still live with!) and I don't want to hurt them at all. Even though my existence hurts them too. They're still hoping that someday I'll turn out OK. And that's the thing that makes it hardest - that when I die I can't console my mother, or console my father, or console my bird. I can't do it and make it all better too.
  2. astrife

    astrife Member

    that's exactly how I feel. The anti-depressants have taken away the symptoms (I no longer actively want to kill myself), but I still don't have anything to offer this world. So I'm just sitting here not really sad but not happy, but just empty, blank and useless.
  3. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    Hi Kath, and welcome to SF

    I've read your post and I really don't know what to say. It sounds as if you've got stuck in a rut. is there a particular reason you still live with your parents? do you have a job?

    I'm sure you're not useless, and you're not a cancer. try to get some counselling/therapy to address your self-esteem and depression issues.

    give me a shout if you want to chat any time

    Take care
  4. Robald

    Robald Active Member

    I can really empathise with a great deal of this. :sad:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Kath123,
    :shake::welcome:to the forum. Has your shrink set up anymore appts. with you? I personally get more help from my therapist than I do from my shrink. He just pushes the meds on you. He had me on haldon And I was tripping for like three days so I called him and he said quit taking them, well no shit doc!!
    I am serious about the therapist they get to the root of the problem. You have to be honest and tell all. If your going to hold things back then you might as well not go. They need to know everything so they can put to gethor a treatment plan. I have spilled my guts to mine. The only thing we don't talk about is my suicidal ideations. For some reason she always changes the subject. Probably because if I mention harming myself she is obligated to turn me in for my own safety.
    From what all I have said to her she pretty much knows where I am coming from. The only thing she has said to me about my suicide thoughts is I will more than likely have them the rest of my life.
    Please don't give up on yourself, you can fight it. I am on that fine line myself right now. I find talking to people here on line to be good therapy. I even had a few people thank me for helping them through a rough time. Now that was unexpected!!Take Care!!~Joseph~
  6. Kath123

    Kath123 Active Member

    Oh God, I've had so much therapy over the years I could be one myself. This is me. It's no rut. It's just who I am. It's like a polaroid developing - when you're young it's grey and blurry and you think maybe this will turn out ok, maybe it looks pretty bad, but it'll really turn out ok in the end. And sometimes it does. But when you get older it gradually becomes all clear and permanent, and you can see what you are, the trajectory of your life and you know - that's just the way it is. That's who you are. And I guess I'm at that moment now when I just am seeing the whole thing. I've been in denial for a long time. I guess seeing the psychiatrist was one last shake of the polaroid and looking one last time to see if maybe I wasn't really seeing what I was seeing. But there it is.

    Astrife and Robald - I'm sorry you relate :( It kind of helps to hear though that you do.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm 51 not a young'n. Therapy has helped me in all respects except my suicidal thoughts. I am sorry if I offended you!!
  8. Kath123

    Kath123 Active Member

    Oh no, I was thankful for the thought. Honestly I feel like such worthless scum, I'm shocked that anyone would have an encouraging word. I'm sorry if I sounded offended I wasn't. It's just that - you know, I could list everything I've tried and it would be as long as your leg.

    I don't want to be one of those "oh poor me, I'm the only one that nothing will work for." Because I'm seriously capable of that. But I need to go. I really do. I just don't know how to do it without hurting the people I love. And it's true I'm scared of it too. So I'm like Hamlet, I know what needs to happen, but I hesitate and talk and lament and meanwhile things get worse.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It really does help to talk about it!If you don't want to try therapy again then how about at least PMing someone here to talk with. Know one knows you so you can spill or vent whichever you decide is best for you. I know all about holding things in that was The way I grew up!!Take Care!!~Joseph~
  10. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    You don't have to change, just look for a brainless job. I work a brainless job, I work in a warehouse, just driving a forklift, you'll make enough money to be able to pay rent.

    If you're lazy, work part-time. It's a start.
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