Not doing okay/don't want to go.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~PinkElephants~, Jul 10, 2008.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    If this needs to be moved go ahead. Not that I know where else it would go.

    I don't want to go today.
    I don't want to go and see people crying.
    I don't want to see her body lying there lifeless.
    I don't want to see Dylan anymore wrecked then he already is.
    I don't want to have to explain to Dylan anymore that she won't be back.
    I just want to stay in my room and not move.
    I just want to fade away for awhile so I don't have to cope.
    I'm not doing okay if you were wondering.
    I'm not holding up.
    I'm trying my hardest for Dylan but I'm not doing well.
    He will wreck me tonight.
    When the tears start from Dylan I will be destroyed.
    I don't want him to hurt.
    I don't want his heart to break anymore.
    It's not right and it's not fair.
    Why does he have to go through this?
    If you heard some of the stuff come from his mouth you'd be shocked.
    "I want to die and bring Laura back"- that's one.
    "They can still fix her and bring her back"- another where I had to say she's gone. Forever.
    That one he balled and broke down because I had to tell him she's really gone.

    Another one that I kinda knew rang true was this "Edie is probably happy"
    Edie is my dad's girlfriend. 45 years old and acts like a 19 year old should.
    I swear Edie and Laura switched roles. Edie became the caddy, nasty one.
    Edie shoved her and called her a bitch. Told her she wasn't welcome.
    Now Edie is filled with guilt and consumed with regret b/c she acted like a twat.
    Kids hear everything. Kids aren't stupid. So now Dylan thinks that Edie is happy Laura is gone b/c all Edie used to say is she needs to go. Well, is she happy now?

    Went to dinner last night with Dylan. Had to get his mind off shit. We were driving through a parking lot and a damn car almost side swiped us on his side. I went ballistic. Flipped out. Lost it. Poor Dylan had ot make sure I was okay and wht did I say only to apologize after was "If that motherfucker hit your side Dylan Id be arrested for beating the driver to death"
    Now I'm overly cautious in driving. If you're seatbelt isn't on I flip out. If you aren't sitting right I flip out. It's over the top and I can't control it.

    Sorry this is so long.
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Nothing at all to appologise for :hug:

    I wish I knew what to say :sad:

    All i can say is I am here ANYTIME you need someone to talk to xxoxx
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Just get thru it the best way you can and know you can come scream at me
    when you need to :hug:
  4. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug::hug: Kellz, I have no words that'll make it better for you/Dylan/anyone, but just come and find me if you need to rant. :hug:
  5. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Oh Kells :sad:

    I hope things turn out okay :hug: You'll get through it; you're so much stronger than you think. My best wishes are with you and Dylan and the others.

    These are hard times but it's right when you need each other most. So stick in there, and if you need to blow off some steam, I (and many others, as they've said) are around. You're cared about and don't have to go it alone. :hug: :hug:

    My condolences, once again.
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry, Kelly. I agree, it will be so hard for Dylan, and I can't understand why so much has to happen to that little boy. and it is sad tht she had to pass away. Once again, sorry, hun. :sad:
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I wanted to touch her. I wanted to shake her awake. Tell her nap time was over. Time to come out and play with Dylan and be alive. Is that bizarre? Is that so sickeningly twisted?

    Dylan was so good. He broke down once or twice but overall he was really good. He's been having dreams. I hope they're just dreams. He says they are. I don't want them to turn into nightmares. I don't want him to think she's stuck somewhere alive. that's what they say will happen. That's what they've all been saying.

    The tears won't stop. Seeing her there. It solidifies it. You want her to wake up. You want to say come on Laura lets go. She looked so different. She looked like her but different. She looked like she was sleeping. It's not right you know. It's just so twisted. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want it to hurt so much. I can't tell if it hurts more because Dylan hurts or if because over all it's sad. It broke my heart when he was up there talking to her. He was rubbing her arm as if shaking her to wake her up. I think he was checking to see if she was still alive. He was talkinga bout the blood draining out and how she looks puffy from the embalming. What he doesn't know is it's because of the accident.

    I wish the tears would stop. This is gut wrenching to even write. I just want it all to be a bad dream. I want it all to be over. Life is wrong when you take a 19 year old out of it. Life is just fuckin' wrong!
  8. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

  9. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    thier beautiful hun, im sat here on the verge of tears :hug:
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Sorry to hear about your friend Laura, Kelly. I hope she's in heaven now.