Not doing so well...*Trigger?* *LONG*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Metallica*Melinda, Jan 14, 2007.

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  1. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone...
    Last night I totally lost it. I went crazy in the chat room and now im really embarassed. I feel like a total fool... I feel like everyone hates me now and they all must think im crazy...
    I'm really depressed... Im unhappy, I just lost the child and I am just sad.
    It hasnt hit me really hard yet, and I dont know what Im going to do when it finally hits me.
    Im just feeling really alone right now.
    I just got surgery to fix a tendon and a nerve that I cut on Jauary 3rd. I was in the pshyc ward for 5 days. I feel okay i suppose... I'm on Zyprexa. It makes me more calm... but it doesnt help with the depression, just the anger.
    I feel so empty. but not angry anymore...
    You know I had names picked out...
    Kaiden Reese for a boy
    and for a girl I was thinking something like
    or Emma
    But I wasnt sure about the girl names yet.
    But none of that matters now, my child is no more. I dont know what to do with my time... I sorta feel responsible for it all... in a way... but who knows really. :badday:
    I feel like the world is against me, i feel like god hates me... I feel like SHIT!
    Its like I'm a waist of space, its like Im nothing, like I dont matter... I feel horrible.
    I don't have anyone to talk to because I've pushed everyone away in the last few years... and anyone I havent pushed away I don't tell them how Im feeling... I just tell them everything is fine.
    I never thought I'd turn out this fucked up... I was pretty happy until I turned 5 and I started cutting... just for attention, little scrapes or whatever... Then as I got older I would break my bones...
    Then I started cutting to release pain... eventually someone found out...
    But when my mom died when I was nine, that made things so much harder for me because she died and I felt totally lost, because even my adoptive mom left when I was six... she divorced my adoptive dad... then my biological mom died. I basically had a mentally retarded sister (she is handicapped...) and my dad who was dealing with all my issues and my sisters problems.
    I got lost in the shuffle somewhere and eventually it didnt matter, my sister was more important... she needed the attention more than me, after all she was depressed and afraid because her old foster parents and her biological parents abused her and ignored her. So what did it matter that I was unhappy, developing different disorders and going straight down hill?
    I guess it wasn't very bad on the outside... until they saw my cuts... thats when it all fell apart. The image I had tried so hard to create fell apart and I was admitted into the pshyc ward at the Royal Alexandra Hospital, I stayed for 6 months... then it all began. I got worse, attempted suicide so many times... and pushed people away... I didn't care about anyone or anything...
    But I pretended I was okay so I wouldnt have to go back... well it didn't work. I began cutting deeper and worse and things just went from bad to worse. They put me in secure treatment, I stayed for 3 months, then I moved around for 4 years getting worse and worse. I was in and out of secure treatment over 13 times for a number of things...
    Cutting, suicide attempts, drugs, alchohol, prostituting for drugs ( that was only a couple of times)... and a number of other things. I was in the pshyc ward in the Alex over 10 times because I was getting worse. Then I was sixteen, I got to go home for the first time in 4 years (I'd been home a few times but only for visits...) but that didnt work either, I got high and left... the drugs controlled me. I just let the drugs do the thinking and I messed my life up... I was doing anything to get drugs... but I thought it was okay because it was the first time I hadn't cut in a long long time... and I was feeling okay, at least the feelings were masked. I was homeless for a long time... I just recently decided to stop alll that shit with the drugs... and deal with everything. I'm scared though, I have so many charges I might go to jail... when I was on drugs I never cared, I never thought about what might happen to me. Even the drinking fucked me up and I hurt myself in so many ways. Last time I drank was January 3rd, when I cut my nerve and tendon... I'm an idiot.
    I don't know why I wrote all that, but I felt like it... I guess basically its a never ending cycle with me... I fall and fall and fallllllllllllllll. I can't get back up right away either, I just lie there or fall farther.
    Well I have fallen yet again... and I don't feel like I even want to get up. I feel like theres a huge weight holding me down and it feels like no matter what I do it just gets heavier and heavier... it seems like when I try to make things better I just make them worse.
    I can't think about anything but death. I just wish I wasn't here anymore. Theres so much more to the story then is written, theres so much shit I can never say or type... theres a lot of shit I havent dealt with... and I dont know... maybe one day I will say everything, but for now its inside me...
    I don't understand how I can have so much bottled up but I still feel so empty. It feels like I have nothing inside of me, I usually feel like things are going to spill out, and that feeling makes me angry... but I feel like theres nothing at all inside of me, and I feel so lonely and sad and lost right now. I just lost my baby... and I still feel like I have my child inside of me...
    I wanted to be happy, I wanted friends, I wanted a life... I wanted so much.
    But I've come to realize, I will never be happy, I will never have friends, and I will never have a life... all the things I've ever wanted never happen, no matter what I do.
    I can't make friends no matter how hard I try. I just feel so lonely because I know nobody and I just feel like nobody wants me around. Sometimes I feel like everyone would be better off without me, it feels like I cause more problems in this world and I dont help anyone... I just seem to hurt more than I help. I dont know what to do, I doubt anyone is still reading, this is my longest post ever and I still feel like I havent said all I need to say...
    I'm just really lost, I feel like I might have to end it soon,
    I feel like I can't go on, I don't know what to do. I'm really not doing very well.
    Sorry for the long post, I'd write more, but Im sure nobody wants a post so damn long...
  2. Spikey

    Spikey Senior Member

    Aw Melinda I'm so so sorry you lost your baby.
    Here for you - feel free to PM me for my msn or something

    ELizabeth x
  3. BeenThere

    BeenThere Guest

    Why dont we talk for a while on MSN?i see you have alot to say and im more than willing to listen and maybe offer up some advice.
  4. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    I am sorry to see that you are going through such a rough time.. Thanks for posting this, I am sure it was hard for you to get out.. I hope that you are able to find it in you to talk/post or whatever about the issues that you have been unable to get out as of this time..
  5. Angela30

    Angela30 Member

    What a sad story you have. Try and be possitive in life and accept things as they are. You have your whole life ahead of you. And you can make it wonderful, you just have to be possitive. Life can only get easier. My son too was in the Stupid Royal Alex Hospital and they really screwed him up bigtime. They found him hanging in his bathroom from the faucet on April 3rd, 2007. His doctor told me 1 week before he did this that my son was not suicidal and that he just has behavior problems and that maybe i should be looking at getting him into a group home or a foster home as they are not babysitter there. What a jerk! My son was suppose to be protected! But instead his Doc gave hime Prozac. Why do kids want to dye it just doesnt make sence. I love my boy so much, and would do anything for him. He is now lying in a hospital bed , and no one is able to tell me if he will recover or not. I just want him to come home. I just want that Doctor to be fired and I believe that you can make yourself happy even if you feel you have nothing to be happy for..... make something... take care....
  6. LucyLou

    LucyLou Member

    Is there anything positive in life that you can focus on?

    The father of your baby... Is he around?
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