Um yeah hi sorry it was short.Yeah im feeling sick and tired but more bothered about the people i'll leave behind right now.Trying to cope with the absolute guilt and shame i feel about that.This shame and guilt is so heavy on my shoulders.It overwhelms me and i had so much doing that already.Also i was out till gone half eleven last night getting more tablets.........
i have heard from my ex counsellor again who i had problems and harrasment from before in my old area.That situation was the reason i ended up in refuge in a different area.i am out of refuge now and have got my own place.But my Mum who i dont have contact with very often [and i feel so disloyal and that im a bad person for that but im pathetic so stilll scared] gave him my new mobile number.She didnt know the situation with him as i hadnt explained it but i had asked her not to give out the number to him and so im a bit upet about that but its not her fault and i dont blame her.So he has been texting me all day and stuff which i find hard to deal with..........he wasnt being very nice.im trying to ignore him now and just not reply but he still keeps trying to get me to.At first i didnt know who it was who was contacting me [i didnt know his current mobile number as we had ceased contact] and at first he wouldnt tell me who he was either when i asked.But then he said.i also found out from him that the Poisons Unit in the local hospital apparently gave out to him the refuge address when he was trying to track me down.Apparently he was tyring to track me down and check if i was still alive too.i dont know any more than that but angry with the hospital in question.My support worker says we should tell the charity/organisation who run the refuge though as when we are in refuge we were allowed to give hte actual address to very few people ie hospitals and police [all our mail when via an office address] and it is meant to be a safe house and certainly not given out freely.However though im not in refuge anymore in my eyes a lot of damage has been done.i am still scared of my parents and family but cos my ex counsellor had tried to contact me on an old mobile number and i hadnt got some messages he says he left [i dont have the phone anymore] he thought he would punish me for 'ignoring' him [which actually i hadnt been cos i dont have that phone anymore though i probalby would still have ignored them even if i had got them] by giving the refuge address to my parents as he knows they and my family im really really scared of cos of things which have happened previously.He used to be my counsellor and once helped me ot get safe from my parents but now he is doing the opposite.i know he might not like me but i would try and place anyone in danger no matter they did to upset me.i am devastated by it.im out of refuge but where i am is not miles and miiles away.i wouldve always been scared going etc anyway in case i ended up running into him or my family if they happened to be here for something for hte day but now im even more worried about it cos now this area is somewhere where anyone is most likely to come.im pathetic i knokw but i feel sick with worry.
Need to hurt myself more now and my ex counseellor seems to think i need punishing too or he wouldnt do this to me.
Also my Mum keeps texting me to say its my Grandpaarents Golden Wedding anniversary today and also i know it is my Dad's birthday [which will probably be particuarly difficult for me] at the weekend.i already feel disloyal and that im a bad person so much cos im too scared go.But her texts make that feeling feeel even worse.Also she keeps texting about how she has been sorting out the stuff my other gran left behind when she died a couple months ago.i was too scared to go to her funeral then cos of the famiy there and i know i'll forgive myself for that and im sure they wont forgive me either.ANd i just cant deal with it all.
If things have gotten to the stage where you HAVE to post, it means (to me) that you don't want to give up, that you're looking for support and love - and you know you'll find those here.:smile:
As far as having to hurt yourself more... no you don't, you just think you do. The way I see that self-hurt issue is thus: I hurt myself emotionally, I tell myself I'm a loser, ugly, worthless, etc, til I actually believe it. Then I realize that it's a waste of my energy to hurt myself cause the world will do that for me sooner or later, and often, so why waste my own energy hurting myself? Just sit back and wait and someone else will hurt me, and I've saved my own energy. Kind of a depressing perspective, I know, but it feels logical to me.
Kath, you post here when you're really down and feel hopeless. Just by posting, even when you say you don't need or want or deserve any help, you're still asking for it. AND YOU ALWAYS GET IT CAUSE WE LOVE YA!!:smile: So post away and we'll reply to you, cause that's what friends do when their friends are in need.:smile: :smile:
sending you love and hugs and hope and support - all the way across the waters! Sending it by tmail 'Thinking is the best way to travel' by the Moody Blues - now THERE'S a hell of a trippy band! Check 'em out.