Not doing well at all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LotusFlower, Apr 7, 2010.

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  1. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I am feeling so trapped, and so sad. Today is not one of my good days. Today I am feeling like ending it all. I feel so trapped like there is no way out like I am never going to get anywhere. Things feel so final. Alot has happend this last week that has left me feeling alone, and very sad. I can't seem to find the words. I feel like the only way that things are going to get better is if I end it. I have notes written and a plan with enough meds to end it all. I don't know what to do. I saw my worker today and he wants me to call him tomorrow or friday and maybe see him if I need to. There is a part that is just saying hang on one more day, and when I see him give him all the meds that I have been stashing. That I need to hang on for my daughter and husband.But then there is this equally load part that is saying just finish it all ready. I feel so alone.
  2. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I had a few bumps in the road earlier this week, as well. I shouldn't get into the details because it's kind of depressing but it was quite unsettling and it made made me feel not so good.

    I'm doing OK now, though. I just needed some time to get myself together.

    Anyway, it's tough, I know. But maybe you can try to remember the times in the past that you felt equally bad and how you were glad afterwards that you never ended it during them? I mean these bad feelings you're having right now will probably pass, as well?

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 7, 2010
  3. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Btw, in your avatars I've seen what seems like people walking in the forest twice now... Do you like hiking?
  4. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    hang in there for your husband and daughter, they would be devistated if you were to end it all. i like you talking about giving your worker the meds, that seems like a very sound idea and it makes it seem like you really dont want to go ahead with this. please hang on and let your worker know what your planning, you;ve hit a snag but it doesnt have to end here
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey hand over your stash of meds okay do it you family they need you to be strong now okay. Call and tell him your worker until you have stabilized you need him to come and get the meds. sounds like a good person to support you this way don't cause pain okay for your family you are to caring a person to do that. I have been in that dark hole so many times but know when i get out it was worth holding on okay one more day to live to see my children my family Hang on okay do what is right and call your worker and get rid of the temptation. you are a fighter you are just keep fighting.
  6. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    Yes I like to hike. It is once place that I feel safe and the most at home. I would live in a Yurt if I could afford the property.
  7. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    Thanks guys for the support. It is just so hard right now, and the fact that I have a back up plan sometimes scares me, because I know that everything is there, and when I feel this bad it is hard to find the strength to make it one more day. It just hurts so bad on the inside, and I just am never very good at finding the words to say how bad it hurts. My husband just hears me crying every night. And when my worker ask how I am doing all I am ever able to say is not good. I try to explain but I think I just come out sounding stupid and that I am not making very much sense. I just want so bad to feel better and it never seems like it is going to come. I have spent most of the day thinking that I am screwing up my daughter more by being alive, then if I was dead.
  8. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Please do see your worker, and give them the meds. One of the best things I did for myself recently, was to get rid of my stash of meds. It makes it harder to end my life, and I have to really rethink it, which is good. I bet that whatever you say to your worker, it won't sound stupid.

    I do know how you feel. There are times when I have thought that I am so messed up, that my son would be better off without me. But, that is the depression/hurt talking, not truth. In fact, both your daughter, and my son, would be completely devastated if they lost their moms. I've read some of the stories of people on this site who lost loved ones to suicide, and they never get over it. Never. I talked to you yesterday on chat, and you mentioned your daughter is going through a rough time. She needs you, her mom, even if you're in a bad place right now. Please hang in there. People care about you ~ you're not alone, even when it feels like you are.
  9. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I share this love with you!

    Is there anyway you could get some time away and alone? Have hubby watch your daughter, and spend some time in the woods?
  10. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I love the forest. And I love hiking, too, although I don't do it as much as I'd like to. I do pick a place I've never been before from time to time and go there on my bike. haha I pack a bag with some drinks and food, take my camera with me and just go checking things out. It's fun. lol :) Anyway, I still intend to get some good hiking shoes/boots! :lone:
  11. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    It saddens me to hear this. I hope you find a way to deal with your pain. That you find a way to be happy despite whatever it is that's causing your current state of mind.
  12. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I am sitting here counting out my stash of meds. I have enough to take down a horse. I feel torn as whether to take them, or just put them in a bag and take them to my worker tomorrow. I got an appointment for 9am tomorrow. He told me he wanted me to call. I wasn't going to then when I picked up the phone; I asked if I could see him tomorrow. I just want the pain to stop. And I don't know any other way to make it stop. I am trying to think this is just a bump in the road again. But I am also tired of feeling like every day I wake up that I am in survival mode. Trying to just make it through the day. When do I get to live? When do the flashbacks, PTSD, OCD, Depression, DID go away. When do I get to make it through a day and think wow I was happy today. I am tired of struggling. I am 30 years old, if this is what the next 30 are like I am done.
  13. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I have to make a phone call right now but I'll be back in about 30-60 minutes, ok?
  14. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    The things you mentioned (PTSD, OCD and DID) are to me, things that don't have to be permanent if you don't want them to be. Now, I know, that that may be hard to consider as a possible fact right now because it's all very overwhelmig, emotionally and it may be very hard to see a solution to your problems right now. But what if I'm right, you know? Wouldn't you be making a mistake by taking the meds then? Anyway, I'm just sharing my opinion on the matter.

    I think things like OCD etc. happen for a reason sometimes. Other times, people seem to me to be born a certain way but when people aren't, I personally think that the problems may be psychological reactions to stress, traumas, unprocessed experiences etc. That probably sounds like a total cliché but it's just what I think. So say it is true, then when you face all those difficult things... And you've dealt with them... If you take away the stress...Then that might make a big difference.

    I'm just thinking out loud here and I really don't mean to be inappropriate or anything.

    I've had OCD, as well, by the way. I had it for a long time but I managed to fix the problem, so to speak and have been well for years now.
  15. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I am still here and alive. I went to see my worker this morning. I gave him my pills. I didn't know what I was going to do with them today. I didn't know if I was going to take them or give them to him. So I gave them to him. I am still not doing well, still feeling like ending it all. But now if I dissocate the pills are gone. Some of my most serious attempts have been when I have dissocated. I don't know how I am going to make it through today or the weekend. I am stuck at the library for at least 5 hours.

    I just want it all to stop. I just want the hurt to go away. I can't stand the way I feel. I hate feeling like everyday I wake up that it is a slow and painful living hell.

    He said that unless I say that I need to go to the hospital he won't be the one to make that call. That is such a relief. I am so tired of the hospitals. I just try to keep holding on because I am 100% sure that my next attempt will be my last. I have done it enough times and failed enough that I know how to get it right. He said he is pretty sure that is the case as well. I feel so guilty, and loath myself. I can't understand how anyone can like me or think that I am a good person. I can't understand how I am still holding on, even if it is by a thread.
  16. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi LotusFlower,

    Why do you think that nobody could love or care for you?

    I don't know you but have seen some very kind and loving posts come from you so know you must have a good heart among other good traits. I also share your pain so in this sense I love you if that seems silly well then call me silly-it would not be the first time let me tell you.

    I think that you did a great thing by protecting yourself from the a possible OD but don't you need some meds to stay stable? Gosh we are here for you but I for sure need SF AND my meds to stay well.

    BTW I love your name...the lotus flower comes grows in mud...a beautiful flower grows and blossoms for what is considered something useless and so you to can be like the flower and blossom from something mundane-it is possible this I know.

    The lotus flower also symbolizes spiritual awakening and the unfolding of the true self so although you are having a rough time please know that life has its ups and downs but all in all your are growing into that beautiful flower every moment.

    Take care and keep posting we are here for you and are listening to you...lots of hugs and love Bambi
  17. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I don't know why I think that way. Years of being told that I was unloveable I guess I just believe it. I am so messed up and have so many problems that I don't get why anyone would even want to know me.

    I still have my medications to take. What I gave him was a stash from a suicide kit I had been keeping. It was alot of pills, over 500. I just have enough meds to get me through right now. The truth is I have stopped taking all but 2 of my meds. I am so tired of feeling dopey all the time. Most of them were for sleep. I have real bad insomneia. But I wasn't getting up with my husband to get our daughter off to school in the morning, and his mom was laying in pretty hard on me about it. So I stopped taking them, I am sleeping some but not much.

    I feel like I am going to do so much more harm to my daughter by staying alive, then dying. And my husband. When is he going to decide that enough is enough and walk out that door. I mean 15 years together. I would leave me. So if I would leave me why wouldn't he. I am such a mess most of the time. I can't hold a job down. Most days I feel like I can't even make it through the day. When does it stop, how long do I let myself keep feeling this way and bringing those around me down.

    I feel so guilty and responsible for so many things. I have so much shame. I struggle to find anything to hold on to. To just make it one more day, or even min to min.

    Thank you I have a lotusflower tattoo on my back.
  18. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Please do not feel shame at your condition. I know how scary that must feel that your husband may just call it quits on you but after 15 years it seems he loves you and has accepted you for how you are. Remember that the same well our sadness comes from so does our love and he must see that as it never is a case of all bad now is it?

    Would you like to share more about your feelings? If I can't relate I am sure others on here can but gotta say at my age there is not much I have not been through so know your pain on some level.

    Have you spoken to your husband about your fear? I was with someone that had bipolar and he would write me letters from time to time and it really helped me to know I made a difference in his life and helped me to hang in there...just a thought and never hurts to express our love right.
  19. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I can't stop crying, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be around anyone. I am now mad at myself for handing over my pills. I give up.
    It hurts to bad, I can't make the pain stop. I came home and have been in bed since. I don't want to be around my husband. I don't want to be around my daugther. I just want to be left alone to die.
  20. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hun that is your illness talking to tells us we are not worth it and convinces us to isolate and push others away ...don't listen to it please.

    You did the right thing with the pills you really did, as you are NOT thinking clearly and are letting the dark thoughts prevail.

    can you do something sweet for yourself like take a hot bath, read a book? You need to be gentle with yourself right about a diary do you have one? a place to pour your thoughts out is healthy and lets you see your progress and get the thoughts out that grow so large in our heads...

    We are listening so keep letting all out,,,hugs
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