not doing well now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by masa, Nov 21, 2012.

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  1. masa

    masa New Member

    Please I am at a breaking point. First of all let me start by saying I always thought people who committed suicide were cowards, id...ots don't value life, have no fear of God the list goes on.

    And life have throw everything at me and I have been brave, I mean literally I have lead a pretty non-sense life. But I always thought tommorrow all willl be better. But all my tommorrows have been dang right awful. While other kids my age were out partying and having the time of their life, I was at home 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Not a life I chose for myself, My mother was pretty over protective not of all her kids but me. If I made one mistake, my mother make it seems like I have just planned a terrorist attack on the world while my other siblings got away with it easily. All my siblings were against me, they all labeled me as useless, jobless, lazy, rude, arrogant, unfriendly, and not productive.

    I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, nobody cares instead they believe I am unproductive and have no ambitious. I still never lost courage as I always believed in the quote "The best revenge is to prove people wrong" But unfortunately for me, life has never been in my favour and luck is not by my side either.

    I lose my job in May and I have been tryng for a job since then to no avail. I have some interviews but couldn't get the job, some places were too far can't get there on time as I don't have a car. My family pay the rent and bills but I help with food from whatever little I get. But still They see me as weak and not willing to work. And so today they called for a family meeting and my sister set a rule that if I don't get a job by the end of the year, she don't care I will have to pay my part of rent, bills, and food. She believe I am not trying enough and that I have no ambitious. My mom complained how bad I am how disrespectful I am I never make her happy, I am not trying enough this that black and white. She said it all.

    So I was so so hurt and beyond hurt that at this citrical point in my life the people I love the most can not understand. I said if I don't get work by the end of the year they are free to throw me out. Maybe if I am homeless, I may work a little bit harder. But then they got angry saying all sort of things, and that we are family they wouldn't throw me out but just a warning.

    Now don't get me wrong, They are right my faimly I mean. They are absolutely sick and fed up of me and that is understandable. I don't work, I don't give them money and I am basically in their faces day after day night after night months after months. We are humans and is only human nature to get fed up after a whie even if the person is your child. I am not bleaming them but rather myself and life that has been unkind to me.

    I try everyday, like seriously I apply for more than ten jobs a day every day. but things just ain't going my way. As for school, I was doing nursing but I have no passion at all for it mom forced me into it and now I am trying to really do what I really want to do for myself I am stuck right now. I think my life is at a dead end and I really do feel very useless, so worthless wish I didn't exist. Now I feel like my life is some sort of sick joke which never ends.

    I am not bleaming my family for anything they done their part, and my mom have been great though ignorant of my feelings sometimes but she's done her best. And I have a great man in my life evethough we are not together, he's been wonderful and I always dreamt of a wonderful future with him. But now, I swear to God I can not take it anymore. Some people may not understand cuz sometimes to really judge a person, you have to walk in their shoes. I am at a dead end, the edge where even breathing is hard for me. I wanted to keep suffering in this life and stay alive for my love because I love him beyond words but I am afriad he may start complaining about me too when he lives with me just the way my faimly is. He may not want to, but maybe life maybe so unfortunate for me that he may have no choice.

    So I am absoluetly sick and fed up of my life. I wanted to kill myself today but I had nothing in myy room to do so. Nothing. The only thing I could think of was the knife and to be honest with you, I didn't want to use that because that would be slow and I may not even die. <Mod Edit, WildCherry>
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 21, 2012
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Re: Help me plan this.

    We can't help you with plans, please get professional help :hug:
  3. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Re: Help me plan this.

    My apologies sincerely for all that you had to go through and how you feel and I can relate to the emotions where you might think being homeless is a better alternative than most of the stuff you dealt with, but take it from someone who has actually been homeless before, it is far more difficult and painful than anyone who has not been homeless can ever imagine. And again, I am very sorry, but this is support website, for people like you and me to come and talk and try and find some kind of peace, or break from the outside World, not a place which actively promotes suicide or help others in taking their own life. If you are at the point where death feels the only option left to you, then stay online and keep talking with us all here, or make the call to your local emergency room so that they can get you in contact with a team who will come out to your place and help organise you with a program...
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Re: Help me plan this.

    Where to begin? Firstly, if you had a cardiac disease, your family would understand...mental health issues are as catastrophic and as costly to one's well did not say that you have received care...are you seeing a therapist or doctor? This would be the first line of attack so that you can feel better...It seems you have been so brave and so determined in spite of how you feel...please do not let other convince you otherwise...again, with my reference to a more blatant physical illness...were it that way, you would have been taken to a doctor are not useless or worthless, you are in pain which can immobilize any of us...please advocate for the care you need and do not internalize what they are saying about you...and keep posting...many of us do understand what you are going through
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