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Not enough.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sojourn, Feb 25, 2010.

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  1. Sojourn

    Sojourn Member

    I don't know or understand the point of life anymore, either. I lost my job a year ago, and haven't been able to find anything. Absolutely nothing. I've lost count on how many jobs I've applied to now. I force myself to wake up every day, and go through the motions of life, but honestly I have to wonder when I'll simply give in. Everywhere I turn, I am reminded how useless and unproductive I am as a member of society. I'm a NEET, a parasite single, a 'lazy bum', a boomerang kid, a disagrace to my family, with collection agencies calling to remind me of all this on a daily basis... but I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol to cope. I haven't resorted to crime, become a gangster, or otherwise hurt anyone; the only one I've contemplated taking out is myself.

    Yet I feel just as ashamed as if I had. I can't help but feel if maybe I had become a criminal, and I'd reformed my ways, repented of my past sins, my story would be more compelling somehow, that people would have more mercy and offer up less condemnation...maybe even offered help. But as it is, I am simply a law abiding, unemployed, anonymous 'loser' with no hope of a future, an invisible member of society carrying around unspoken burdens that no one cares to hear or listen to, because there is not enough drama to create a 'human interest' story. A few weeks ago, I stood on a chair, in the basement, with an electrical cord in my hand, and stared at the beam for a while...but I couldn't even bring myself to do that. I've thought about the entire 'suicide by cop' scenario...but I don't want to hurt anyone else, nor do I want to bring more shame to my family than I've already done. If there was an option of assisted suicide for otherwise physically healthy human beings, I would pay it and get on with it.

    For people like me, there is seemingly no answer. Not enough work, not enough hope, not enough human drama to make our lives compelling or sympathetic...not enough will to impose a permanent end. I am so tired of this life. Whomever read this, thank you.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want you to know that I read your post, and I can relate to the part about not being able to find a job. It's so frustrating!!
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    To be honest I do not feel that having a job makes a person worth any more than not having a job. I have a job, and I still feel like a mindless waste of space. Human worth can be measured in many ways. At least you are trying to accomplish something. I am just mindlessly spiraling into a dead-end because I lack the intelligence and confidence to get a new job. At least you have a goal. My only goal is suicide.

    But as they say, if at first you do not succeed try try again. You need to work on a facade of confidence. Some times employers can sense lack of confidence.
  4. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I can't find a job and I don't know what I'm doing alive either.
  5. svoboda

    svoboda New Member

    Hi Sojourn,

    Have you thought about going back to school? Funding may be available and by going to school you can improve your chances in the future while giving yourself something to do in the meantime. It feels good to work toward a goal and get good grades and all that.
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