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Not exactly suffering anymore, but still suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Aug 23, 2009.

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  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    My situation has improved greatly in the last month.

    I've given up alcohol/drugs anything that could bring on my depression.
    I've stopped seeing bad friends and anybody that constantly made me feel like shit.
    I've got some hobbies.
    I've enrolled in college.
    I've started taking meds and even about to start one-to-one therapy and group counselling.
    I feel better, I don't feel as depressed as I was, I'm not crying all the time, I'm not cutting, I'm trying to improve my general body image and health through diet and exercise, lots of personal grooming, make up, new clothes etc.

    ...but I still feel suicidal. I still don't want to be here. I want to die.
    I feel like all of this is futile. It's all for nothing. I will never be who I want to be, I will never be happy, I will never be fulfilled, I'm just prolonging the inevitable.
    My dream is to be killed or to get some serious illness that will see the end of me very soon (like inoperable cancer) because I am too chicken sh*t to take my own life.

    I can't shake this feeling of not wanting to live, everything is so hard and even if the feeling leaves me for a couple of days and I admit that I don't want to die, I just want for things to get better, I soon remember the truth - I am useless worthless shit and things will never be good, they will never be great, at best they will be mediocre and I can't handle it. So I want to die because I cannot deal with 50 more years of mediocre. Of always being 2nd best, of putting up with things, of accepting what I will never be and never have. Of being little miss jealous and envious of everybody else, of being overly sensitive, of always wondering when things are going to get as bad as they once were...
    It's all too painful.

    Some of us just weren't cut out for this thing called life and I am one of them, so why won't the Lord just help me out and take me now.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I don't know why you have not been taken but perhaps it is because your work here is not done? At least that is how I look at life.
    I think it is the Chinese but it may be the Japanese that have a saying....When you find your special purpose in life then you are truly born.
    To me this is so true and honestly I have found that I have several purposes. For instance you offer help on this site that nobody else can, nobody has seen and felt the world as you and you use that to reach out and help others-I see this all the time from you.

    As far as feeling better, please give it sometime. I know it is hard but I am here for you...it gets better. I look back to how I suicidal I was and if I knew that I could have the most wonderful job in the world I would not have even tried to kill myself.

    I am amazed at all your efforts and it will pay off.

    Please PM or IM anytime, you have been there for me and I am here for you....hang in there :arms:

    Love Bambi
  3. Goldfish

    Goldfish Member

    That's so tough that you feel that way when you seem to have acomplished so much depite the crap. your list of recent achievments is great. if you are capable of achieving these things in adversity, just think how much good you can and will do when you feel stronger.
  4. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    i know how you feel with the "why bother" mentality.,, but dont you feel good doing it? happiness for its own sake...
  5. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    It actually hurts to push myself so hard. It doesn't feel good at all. It feels like I'm getting a tattoo that is going to look shite at the end
  6. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    oh sorry... didnt mean to, you know...
  7. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Yea I know what you mean. I am not suicidal but do think about dying everyday. I feel so frustrated with life and exhausted at the same time. I have no energy to live, when I make myself do anything I do it with such little energy and a big frown on my face.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have come so far and you will go farther The feelings you have is still the depression but your meds and therapist will work on this. You will get stronger and better I am happy you have started this journey and yes it will take time but you are strong and you will continue to heal. Good for you.
  9. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    maybe some of this is you have grown used to feeling bad and suicidal..and you are only beginning to get back on track.You haven;t reaped the rewards yet..that doesn't happen overnight and not all at once either..in the mean time you will still be "recovering" emotionally from where you have been with depression.Try to look at it as residual effect from the past illness and believe it will in time get less and less frequent..like a memory that fades..
    also the gremlins in your head (we all have them) will try to sabotage you!Don't let them ! When you are healing..you will still feel the pain..but like a broken leg that heals..the pain will eventually go away..
    Just have to keep allowing yourself to heal..sorry if I'm not helpful?:huh:
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Linds, Ashes-away has given you some good advice.. Thru therapy you will slowly recover from the way you are feeling.. It does take time.. You will have a period of time where you and the therapist are feeling each other out to see if you can trust them..I think you are doing the right thing..
  11. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Hey i just enrolled into college too and feel like how you feel.

    Im not putting my hopes up at all for many changes but im bering open to it. But everytime I see myself I cant help but feel I can never be like them. Liek going to college parties and making friends and all those damn pictures of everyone holding beers all happy. It just doesn't seem real. I find it hard picture myself truthfully living that reality.

    I really feel like nothing matters to me now. Im just trying to make it through and I feel dead already... I dont care what happens to me anymore. Like im not suicidal but im not all joyful to go out and live life, because it just seems like a big joke.
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