My situation has improved greatly in the last month. I've given up alcohol/drugs anything that could bring on my depression. I've stopped seeing bad friends and anybody that constantly made me feel like shit. I've got some hobbies. I've enrolled in college. I've started taking meds and even about to start one-to-one therapy and group counselling. I feel better, I don't feel as depressed as I was, I'm not crying all the time, I'm not cutting, I'm trying to improve my general body image and health through diet and exercise, lots of personal grooming, make up, new clothes etc. ...but I still feel suicidal. I still don't want to be here. I want to die. I feel like all of this is futile. It's all for nothing. I will never be who I want to be, I will never be happy, I will never be fulfilled, I'm just prolonging the inevitable. My dream is to be killed or to get some serious illness that will see the end of me very soon (like inoperable cancer) because I am too chicken sh*t to take my own life. I can't shake this feeling of not wanting to live, everything is so hard and even if the feeling leaves me for a couple of days and I admit that I don't want to die, I just want for things to get better, I soon remember the truth - I am useless worthless shit and things will never be good, they will never be great, at best they will be mediocre and I can't handle it. So I want to die because I cannot deal with 50 more years of mediocre. Of always being 2nd best, of putting up with things, of accepting what I will never be and never have. Of being little miss jealous and envious of everybody else, of being overly sensitive, of always wondering when things are going to get as bad as they once were... It's all too painful. Some of us just weren't cut out for this thing called life and I am one of them, so why won't the Lord just help me out and take me now.