Not feeling good lately...

[trux]

I've cried twice this week, on wednesday and this morning. And when I say I cried I mean a lot, hours long. I hadn't cried for years before that.
I thought I was starting to be "normal", the kind of guy you don't notice when you walk on the street, someone you can consider as a friend when you get acquainted with rather than always ending up avoiding, scorning or even hating, someone you can like, love, be happy with, feel good with. I didn't know I could ever be so wrong.
So there I was in the train, crying, and wondering whether I should rather go laying on the railroad track. It would have brought me to some better place than home that's for sure, because in my case I don't see how I could ever see the end of the tunnel.

When I first came here and expressed my feelings, I wasn't really about to kill myself. I was just being depressive and needed people to comfort me, and I know inside me that I would never have got round to doing it. But that was back then, now I know that I could do it anytime. Many things have changed since, more particularly in my mind and in other people's ones.

I wish I could understand why things are this way, why does no one ever sees me how I really am. Maybe I'm not what I think I am after all.
There is a saying that seems to stick to this "feeling", I don't really know whether I've read it somewhere or it comes right from my head, anyway it goes like this : "Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're wrong. Unless you are". But how could I believe in myself when no one believes in me.

I don't know what to expect from what I've just written, I needed to say it but I just don't know why. I'm not looking for comfort or any kind of help really, because honestly this isn't going to help me at all.

.

 

[dazzle11215]

hi trux, i can totally relate to feeling like nobody sees the real me. it's a terrible feeling. i look around and i want to scream "can't you see how much this f*cking hurts..." but i never do. instead i go home and dream about ending my life.

i am sorry you are so sad right now. it can be a great release to cry, but i sense you are sadder than even crying will help.

can i ask you if you have anyone in real life to talk to? who knows how you really feel? i ask because it can really, really help to have that one person who you can honestly share your deepest hurts with... it might be the suicide hotline, or a counsellor, or a good friend.

you say noone believes in you, but i do, and i bet there are plenty of others here on the site who do as well. even though we are online and anonymous, we have also suffered. we know what it's like to give and receive help. we know that all you need, sometimes, is someone to tell you that you *can* and *will* survive this, so that's what i'm telling you today. until you can build a little hope back into your days, i will carry the hope for you.

feel free to PM anytime. i'm gonna warn you now my moods are all over the place right now, but i'm always happy to listen,

catherine

 

[trux]

Hi Catherine
There is nobody I can talk to, I have no real friend. Those people I hang out with, I can't call them friends. They aren't quite the kind you can have serious conversations with, and I know I can't count on them. And to be honest, I don't want a counsellor.

I know the only way I'm going to get better is when everything start getting better, not just my mind. Because whatever help or support I may get, I won't cope if things remain this way.

It kills me not to know what's wrong with me. I feel something isn't right when I'm talking to people, I can see it on their faces, in their eyes. I see discomfort, scorn, even fear. It makes me feel like I'm not from this world, not a human being...

You say that you believe in me and I appreciate that, but do you, really? I mean, how can you say that when you've never met me.
There are people I talk to over the internet who act real nice towards me and whom I spend good moments with, but when I see them again in real life I feel like I'm another person to them, like nothing happened. Or even worse, people that I spend a lot of time with in real, and who just end up avoiding me. For what reason exactly...

thank you for your kind words anyway

 

[dazzle11215]

well yes, we've never met and unless you are on a holiday to ireland, we probably won't... nevertheless, i've seen some of your posts to other people and they show empathy and kindness. plus, you are doing your best by posting honestly about your feelings, which shows alot of trust. so, for those reasons, i have become one of your cheerleaders, and will stay one.

it's so hard to know what other people are thinking or feeling ... i am hypersensitive to what other people think about me so i watch their every move, every twitch, every tiny change in their tone of voice. if they are ever short with me i immediately assume it's my fault, and i desperately want to try to fix things, even if i don't know what i've done. i know this is unrealistic, but i am still learning to think about it in new ways.

that's one of the reasons why i asked about a counsellor, because sometimes they can help you on your journey by teaching you new ways of thinking about this.

i would also add, that if you are suicidal it's a big red warning sign that you are at or past your breaking point and i truly believe professional intervention could help save your life. it's just so hard, when you are deeply sad and suicidal, to climb out on your own. for myself, i don't think i realized how much danger i was in, until i was actually attempting. i had convinced myself that i was entirely worthless which was not just a terrible lie, but a horrible way to feel,

other than your thinking, what are you hopign will get better for you in your circumstances?

catherine

 

[gentlelady]

Sometimes we wonder why others can't see how much we are hurting when it seems to consume evrything we feel and are about. The truth is that we often don't allow them to see it. It is unfathomable to us that they can't, but we hide it well. Other times they can see it, but are unsure of what to do or are afraid of being wrong or unhelpful so they pretend nothing is wrong. How often do we say "fine" or "okay" when someone asks how we are? I know I am guilty of that everday. I am glad you had the strength to post here and will continue to do so. Although members here may not know each other in real life, we all share the common bond of some type of pain. We do care about each other. :hug:

 

[trux]

it's so hard to know what other people are thinking or feeling ... i am hypersensitive to what other people think about me so i watch their every move, every twitch, every tiny change in their tone of voice. if they are ever short with me i immediately assume it's my fault, and i desperately want to try to fix things, even if i don't know what i've done. i know this is unrealistic, but i am still learning to think about it in new ways.

Same here, except that there's something wrong with me. As I said people are ill at ease when I'm talking to them and I know it's not some kind of misinterpretation, I mean even if it's hard to know what other people feel, you can tell when something's not right. Probably a mix of my look/voice/way of speaking but there's something else, there has to be something else. Cause I've changed those already, at least I've tried, and everything's still the same. It's been lasting 8 years now, how much time yet? A few more years? My whole life?

other than your thinking, what are you hoping will get better for you in your circumstances?

Well I seriously hope everything will get better, but realistically I'd say nothing is hardly going to get better. My body, it won't change, neither the marks that are on it. The contacts I have with other people, I guess that's the one thing that could really change. I've tried, tried, and tried, but my huge lack of self-confidence isn't getting me anywhere. I've always been shy, but that wasn't that much of a problem before, I mean before everything started to crumble. I was just the shy boy, and no one didn't really feel bad with me, it's just they knew I wouldn't talk much. But I was appreciated, some people really liked me. Then I went through hell, and that changed my personality in such a way that I'm no more the nice and shy guy, just some kind of weird freak. You can guess how frustrating that is to realize that I was happy and appreciated once, and that because of what happened to me, something I'm not quite responsible of, that's no longer the case. Such an awful feeling...


To finish on a lighter note, you managed to make me smile with the cheerleader bit. And thank you for your post gentlelady

 

[trux]

I feel something has changed today, like whatever happens I'm not going to care. I'm not afraid to die anymore, it's even the contrary : it's making me feel peaceful to know it's all gonna end soon, and that if things get worse (if that's even possible) it just won't matter, as relief is on its way.

 

[dazzle11215]

hey trux,

please reconsider. you won't always feel as low as you do right now, and you won't always feel as alone as you do at this moment.

i know you have tried very very hard these past years to make changes in your circumstances. you are an incredibly strong person to have made it this far.

catherine

 

[trux]

oh I'm not planning to do it right away, I haven't fixed a date either.
It just that I had this feeling for the first time, that the day I decide to end it all I will feel peaceful. This isn't such a bad thing after all, I mean if I kill myself that won't be out of anger.

 

[touglytobeloved]

I feel something has changed today, like whatever happens I'm not going to care. I'm not afraid to die anymore, it's even the contrary : it's making me feel peaceful to know it's all gonna end soon, and that if things get worse (if that's even possible) it just won't matter, as relief is on its way.

I feel almost like you describe. But not all the time. Once, I think Im ready to go, and in the next moment Im afraid, not from death, but from failure and hurting the others.