Not feeling the best lately

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by #18, Nov 29, 2011.

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  1. #18

    #18 Well-Known Member

    My loneliness has gotten worse. I recently talked with an old friend and I expressed my guilt for the way I acted in the past towards her. I wanted to make amends with everyone I've ever wronged but I know they still hate me. I became involved with a friend a couple years ago through her and she was an alcoholic. She'd get mad sometimes when she drank and would say hurtful things to me. We spoke recently after a falling out but I know the scars from the past are still there. The friend I met her through was upset I stayed with her one night when she had yelled at her and said mean things. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave her by herself all drunk. But she doesn't understand that I don't think. The friend I met her through is best friends with another guy and I think they both hate me now. I uploaded pictures I made for them on Facebook and they didn't say anything. When I tried talking to her she didn't seem like she wanted to talk to me. So I won't bother her anymore. It hurts me that I destroyed the only friendships I had left.

    I have nobody to talk to and I feel like nobody would care if I killed myself. I would do it if I knew I wouldn't go to hell. I believe I would maybe...and I don't want to hurt my close family. But I'm suffering and I can't hold on for much longer. The holidays are depressing this year too because it's been ten years since my Grandma passed away. I still miss her so much to this day.

    I was involved with a guy on MySpace I grew close to for four years. It was a rocky relationship though...he still had feelings for his ex the entire time I think and would say he loved me but he ended up doing "things" with his ex but he told me. It broke my heart every time, but I stayed by his side.

    Recently, we've grown distant and he barely writes me anymore. I feel like I'm losing the only friend I had left and I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. He's busy with work but I think if he truly still cared he would try to stay in touch.

    All I ever wanted was to see him but he made up excuses or ignored me whenever I brought it up. Now he's back together with his ex. He made it official to me in a message yesterday. He said he knows it's hard on me that they're back together. He doesn't know how much though. That I've been having suicidal thoughts for awhile. I even told him I made attempts on my life, it was last summer when he told me they'd probably get back together. I felt I did something wrong somewhere and he didn't care about me anymore.

    He said in his recent message that he still cares and that he's glad he met me. But words are easy to type out...I think I've lost him forever.

    I don't know what I should do. I want to get a job so I can get out of the house. But my social anxiety and depression is taking over what's left of my life. I'm tired of feeling this way...it's been years since I've been truly happy and I'm starting to wonder if I'll be alone forever.

    I guess I just had to type this all out. It doesn't make me feel any better really but I wanted to share my story.

    Never get involved with somebody that's still that close to their ex. You'll regret it a lot down the road like I have and having to hear about them reuniting is enough to want to die.

    I'd like to get myself admitted to the hospital and to get more help. I can't do it alone. I tried to be happy and start over but it's so much to handle. I feel the only way I'd ever get admitted was if I made a more serious attempt on my life. I don't want to hurt my Mom anymore than I've hurt her already with my problems though. She's helped me all these years with doctors and therepists. But I'm starting to think it's a waste of time.

    I'm feeling suicidal today and I think it won't go away on its own.

    Maybe if I tell my doctor today I'm seriously considering it that they'll do something, idk.

    Well, I've written enough...thanks to anyone that reads all of this.
     
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    If you go to a hospital emergency room, and tell them you have thoughts of harming yourself, of suicide, you'll probably get some type of response.

    I'm sorry you're in such pain. You're in a good place here.

    You can receive lots of support and encouragement from people who are currently, or have been in your situation.

    I'm 2 months past a suicide attempt that landed me in a psych ward. There was a family meeting after I'd been in for a week and my family let me know how hurt they were that I would even attempt to take my life, and the negative effects it could have on my nieces and nephews.

    Good luck, I hope you post again soon
     
  3. #18

    #18 Well-Known Member

    I went to a clinic in a bigger city recently and got an assessment. Thank you for your kind words and concern.

    I don't think I'm in any immediate danger of doing anything. I'm just severely depressed lately. I just have to get myself out of this rut I've gotten myself into.

    I said myself I wouldn't go through with ending my life because I know it would affect certain people horribly. I don't want to hurt them.

    Thanks for reading my story, peace.

    ps. I hope you're doing ok as well.
     
  4. Waine

    Waine Member

    I know its hard to see someone you love go off with an ex, ive been there many times, and yea it does make you angry but there is more to life than 1 guy, time is a fantastic healer, you need to take this person out of your life completely i mean off Facebook, Twitter, MySpace anywhere he exists even your mobile phone (cell phone), make it like he never existed to you at all.

    If you do this over time you will forget about him and find something else alot more interesting.

    Your mom will always be there for you no matter what your problems.

    You have admitted to yourself that you need help, this is a massive first step, go to your doctor and tell them how you feel, even talking about your issues to a stranger can help.
     
  5. #18

    #18 Well-Known Member

    Yes, it's so painful. I thought I'd found "the one." I thought eventually him and I would meet but I ended up being the one that got hurt. He told me he no longer felt much attraction to him though and that he felt it wasn't the love he wanted. He confused me for a long time but when he said they were back together it sunk in for me and severe depression worse than usual occurred and my suicidal thoughts returned. I've recently put myself out there on dating sites but I don't see much hope in it. I think I need to get better before I commit to a new relationship anyway.

    I honestly don't know if I could delete him from everything. I still want to be friends with him but most people I've talked to don't think that's possible for me. He's just like one of those kinds of people you couldn't go without in your life. He's still special to me. I feel the distance even more now though and I feel more lonely than usual. Him and I used to talk all the time and now it's like pulling teeth to get any response out of him. I started thinking maybe his therepist told him to distance himself from me, idk.

    I know, my Mom has been there for me for all these years I've been dealing with this. I truly feel blessed to have her as a Mom. She gets frustrated though that she can't seem to help me. We've been through so many doctors, therepists, and pills it's crazy.

    I do know I need help, I'm going to see a psychiatrist this January. I'm hoping to get to the root of my problems eventually. With my assessment the nurse was almost going to admit me to the hospital actually. I believed it would help me in some way but maybe not, idk anymore. I just want to feel normal again is all.

    I'm usually an open person and it does feel better to vent my feelings.

    Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.
     
  6. #18

    #18 Well-Known Member

    Yes, it's so painful. I thought I'd found "the one." I thought eventually him and I would meet but I ended up being the one that got hurt. He told me he no longer felt much attraction to him though and that he felt it wasn't the love he wanted. He confused me for a long time but when he said they were back together it sunk in for me and severe depression worse than usual occurred and my suicidal thoughts returned. I've recently put myself out there on dating sites but I don't see much hope in it. I think I need to get better before I commit to a new relationship anyway.

    I honestly don't know if I could delete him from everything. I still want to be friends with him but most people I've talked to don't think that's possible for me. He's just like one of those kinds of people you couldn't go without in your life. He's still special to me. I feel the distance even more now though and I feel more lonely than usual. Him and I used to talk all the time and now it's like pulling teeth to get any response out of him. I started thinking maybe his therepist told him to distance himself from me, idk.

    I know, my Mom has been there for me for all these years I've been dealing with this. I truly feel blessed to have her as a Mom. She gets frustrated though that she can't seem to help me. We've been through so many doctors, therepists, and pills it's crazy.

    I do know I need help, I'm going to see a psychiatrist this January. I'm hoping to get to the root of my problems eventually. With my assessment the nurse was almost going to admit me to the hospital actually. I believed it would help me in some way but maybe not, idk anymore. I just want to feel normal again is all.

    I'm usually an open person and it does feel better to vent my feelings.

    Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.
     
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