My loneliness has gotten worse. I recently talked with an old friend and I expressed my guilt for the way I acted in the past towards her. I wanted to make amends with everyone I've ever wronged but I know they still hate me. I became involved with a friend a couple years ago through her and she was an alcoholic. She'd get mad sometimes when she drank and would say hurtful things to me. We spoke recently after a falling out but I know the scars from the past are still there. The friend I met her through was upset I stayed with her one night when she had yelled at her and said mean things. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave her by herself all drunk. But she doesn't understand that I don't think. The friend I met her through is best friends with another guy and I think they both hate me now. I uploaded pictures I made for them on Facebook and they didn't say anything. When I tried talking to her she didn't seem like she wanted to talk to me. So I won't bother her anymore. It hurts me that I destroyed the only friendships I had left. I have nobody to talk to and I feel like nobody would care if I killed myself. I would do it if I knew I wouldn't go to hell. I believe I would maybe...and I don't want to hurt my close family. But I'm suffering and I can't hold on for much longer. The holidays are depressing this year too because it's been ten years since my Grandma passed away. I still miss her so much to this day. I was involved with a guy on MySpace I grew close to for four years. It was a rocky relationship though...he still had feelings for his ex the entire time I think and would say he loved me but he ended up doing "things" with his ex but he told me. It broke my heart every time, but I stayed by his side. Recently, we've grown distant and he barely writes me anymore. I feel like I'm losing the only friend I had left and I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. He's busy with work but I think if he truly still cared he would try to stay in touch. All I ever wanted was to see him but he made up excuses or ignored me whenever I brought it up. Now he's back together with his ex. He made it official to me in a message yesterday. He said he knows it's hard on me that they're back together. He doesn't know how much though. That I've been having suicidal thoughts for awhile. I even told him I made attempts on my life, it was last summer when he told me they'd probably get back together. I felt I did something wrong somewhere and he didn't care about me anymore. He said in his recent message that he still cares and that he's glad he met me. But words are easy to type out...I think I've lost him forever. I don't know what I should do. I want to get a job so I can get out of the house. But my social anxiety and depression is taking over what's left of my life. I'm tired of feeling this way...it's been years since I've been truly happy and I'm starting to wonder if I'll be alone forever. I guess I just had to type this all out. It doesn't make me feel any better really but I wanted to share my story. Never get involved with somebody that's still that close to their ex. You'll regret it a lot down the road like I have and having to hear about them reuniting is enough to want to die. I'd like to get myself admitted to the hospital and to get more help. I can't do it alone. I tried to be happy and start over but it's so much to handle. I feel the only way I'd ever get admitted was if I made a more serious attempt on my life. I don't want to hurt my Mom anymore than I've hurt her already with my problems though. She's helped me all these years with doctors and therepists. But I'm starting to think it's a waste of time. I'm feeling suicidal today and I think it won't go away on its own. Maybe if I tell my doctor today I'm seriously considering it that they'll do something, idk. Well, I've written enough...thanks to anyone that reads all of this.