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Not feeling too good

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lady Byron, Jun 14, 2008.

  1. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    i'm really not feeling too good right now. but i need to write. i've been having the weirdest dreams and they're scaring the shit out of me. i've haven't been sleeping well either, i toss and turn and when i do finally go to sleep it's at later hours of the night/day. on top of all this, i have a damn cold. urgh. life sucks right now. schools only been out for less than a week and i can't believe i'm admitting this, but i want to go back. it gave me something to do other than lay around and wish that the weather wasn't acting so weird. usually, the weather right now would be really hot and stuff, but it's been really windy and rainy and cold. i wish i didn't have to sleep. i know that's kind of random, but i really do. i hate dreaming, and really, it's not anything really "scary" that i'm dreaming about. they're all memories. and they come every night, whether i sleep for half an hour or two hours, they come. last night, i dreamt, well remembered this one night that i spent the night at a friends house and we were getting ready to go to bed. my friend told me that we had to sleep on the bed that you can pull out of the couch and i said fine. then she told me that her brother (who is a year and 1/2 older than us) was also going to sleep with us and i felt kind of weird and then really weird when she told me i had to sleep in the middle. i didn't want to, but she said something about not liking to sleep in the middle so i just nodded and laid down. we fell asleep really fast and her brother didn't show up so i was relieved. later, i woke up and i felt really weird. after my eyes adjusted, i looked up and her brother was staring at me and i kind of gasped and choked. he told me to go back to sleep so i turned the other way and scooted closer to my friend. i couldn't really go back to sleep, i felt really weird and so i kind of dozed. it was really late/early in the morning. i think it was about 3:00 am give or take an hour, and i felt someone touching my back and so i scooted closer to my friend and the hand stopped moving and then left my back. i squeezed my eyes shut and then started drifting when i felt it again only this time it was getting closer to the front, a little below my belly button and then up closer to my breasts. . . ugh. it made me feel really dirty. he stopped and took his hand away and i turned towards him and he told me to go sleep again. i shook my head and in my dream, i told him to stop, but in reality he turned and i stayed awake the rest of the night. when that happened, i was in fifth grade so i was about 10 or 11 years old and i was a little more developed than the other girls in my class. but in my dream, i was at the age i am now (17) and he was 18. i never knew that had bugged me so much up until last year. i didn't like that he touched me and it wasn't like he raped me or anything. but i felt really guilty for the longest time. i've only ever told one person. i don't know why i'm writing about it now because i know hardly anyone will read it, but that's probably why i am writing about it. i still feel a little like it was my fault. it was really weird though, after that incident, i never went over there except for maybe once and i did not spend the night. i've haven't talked to my friend since the seventh grade and i could never look at her brother without thinking about that night. i don't know why i'm making such a big deal about it really, i mean he didn't touch me you know where. . . but i still felt a little. . . violated? i don't know. i need to stop writing or i'm just going to feel even worse. :mellow: