Sorry I haven't been able to update you all properly on what's going on in my head and life. Last night's post was more of a rant as I couldn't get to sleep and needed to get my feelings out.
About a week and a half ago I finally got a doctors appointment to see my usual GP. She had read the letter the Mental Health Liason Team has sent about my trip to A&E and my overdoses that I had taken. I told her that I had been having suicidal thoughts and that my overdoses weren't attempts to kill myself, just to self harm and harm my insides rather than the outside. I still can't be fully open to her about my feelings but in time I think I will get there. She has increased my medication, but I am still not feeling the effects of it yet. She has encouraged me to keep going back and seeing her whenever I like and feel like I want to hurt myself. But it is so hard be able to tell people face to face when I have these thoughts.
Later that day I met up with my friend to go and speak to my university about what has been going on as I feel I am beginning to struggle with my work. I tried talking to the lecturer but couldn't get out what I wanted to say, and my friend butted it and told him the extent of what had been going on. I am glad she did because it was just something I could not say. We all then went to speak to my course leader who was really supportive and wants me to see him after the lecturers easter break to discuss long extensions on my work. My lecturers suggested me taking a break but I told them straight that I didn't want to, nor did I want to exchange from the degree back onto the diploma. My nursing degree is something I really want to work for and do well on and so far I am doing really well both placement wise and theory wise. I am aiming for a 2:1 degree and if I can achieve that I will be more than satisfied. I just don't want to have to take a break but I know it could be a possible option if I get any worse, because I struggle to focus on my work at present so if I get any worse there is no way I will be able to do any of my work. It was a big relief to know I have a support network at university and that they weren't going to kick me off the course because of my problems.
There was a day last week that my dad took the day off work and worked from home. He went out during the morning and was out for quite a long time and I wondered where he was. He came back and told me that he had been to the doctors as he had been feeling depressed and that the doctor was going to refer him to a Psychiatrist to assess him for bipolar disorder as he said he had been having bad mood swings and has had a lot of depressive episodes recently. This came as a shock and out of the blue to me. I knew he was irritated about a family financial issue but as far as I knew he was enjoying work, had given himself more free time to spend with me and my mum and was happy with life. I guess I was wrong. So wrong. I can't help but blame myself. Perhaps I triggered him into this depressive episode because of my misdemeanors as of late. Perhaps if I had been able to hide my trip to A&E better, he would still be ok. I don't know if I can cope with this again with him being ill. I also feel like I am being suffocated. My parents are constantly asking if I'm ok and saying they want me to be happy etc and keep lingering round me like a fly to shit and are getting all touchy feely with me. I know they are concerned, I get that, I understand. I am their little girl and they want to help me get better. But this is too much. I feel trapped and like I am suffocating. This is the exact reason why I didn't want them to find out. I liked the normality. I hate people walking on eggshells around me.
Another thing really getting to me at the minute is another family feud going on, on my mums side. My uncle has just split up with his partner of 18 years and it is a very messy break up. Over the past few years she has made his life a living hell and he tried to commit suicide a couple of terms because of the verbal and emotional abuse she has been giving him. He has one child by her and fathers her son (the son thinks my uncle is his dad but he isn't and doesn't know yet) and has 2 other children from previous relationships. One of whom he found out about a couple of years ago. The eldest of his children despises him as he has never been there for him and has ended up on the slippery slope with drugs and is in prison for mugging and old lady. I am not surprised he turned out this way. He was rejected by his father and I can't say his mother is a warm and caring person either. The other child hates him also and hasn't been there for her. She is currently pregnant with the baby daddy in jail. She's not got a job and is still fighting with other people even though she is 25 weeks pregnant. My uncle stopped contact with these children because his ex partner would guilt trip him and make his life a living hell when he saw his other children. As their daughter is very ill with a very rare lung disease, she would make him feel guilty when he would see his other daughter saying things like, "You are a c*** and you hate our daughter because she is ill and your other daughter is suddenly popular because she is healthy" etc. She was truely awful to him but he could not stand up to her, until finally it was enough and a couple of months ago he left her. When he left her, her and her mother began ringing my nan and sending her threats, even though she had not gotten herself involved and was staying neutral. It got so bad with all the threats but my nan stood her ground by ignoring these threats. This upset me because my nan is the most peaceful person you will ever meet, but I never got involved at all in this feud. My nan didn't go to her "grandsons" 18th birthday party as she didn't want to go anywhere near the stupid bitch who was making her and her sons life hell. Then she started threatening my uncle. He stupidly admitted to her that he had been taking amphetamines and of course she used the kids as a weapon against him. The shit finally hit the pan last week when she went to his business and broke in and stole some of the property. He called the police on her just to scare her to leave him alone. She came back to his business the next day and she beat him up quite badly. He called the police and he had her arrested. Unfortunately she was arrested infront of her daughter but it was her own fault. I noticed yesterday that she had blocked me and my cousins from facebook and I can't get in contact with them anymore. I hope nothing happens to my sick cousin because I swear, if she doesn't let me have contact with her and something happens I will go over there and smash her face against a brick wall.
I have had my fiance here for the past week and a half and he has really looked after me and made sure I was ok. I feel like I am absolutely useless fiancee. I had to go to work and placement and worked long hours, leaving him alone for a few days. We didn't go out anywhere because I struggle to even leave the house except for work and even then I have panic attacks. I only got intimate with him once, which is unlike me because I usually have quite a high sex drive. I don't want him thinking he's useless and a failure because he's not. I am. I am letting him down. I was so happy he was with me, but a lot of the time I had thoughts of how I could hurt myself when he had gone home. I even took some needles from work and so tempted to use them when I get the chance to be home alone. Whenever my mum and dad are driving at a speed above 70mph I have thoughts where I wonder what would happen to us if I was to jolt the steering wheel and they lost control of the car. Whenever I walk over a bridge I always wonder what would happen if I jumped? I see some loose objects in my house and wonder what would happen if I used them. I've tied nooses a few times just to practice tying them but I don't have a desire to go through with these methods as of yet. I have a spark in me that wants to get better and work through this, I am trying to listen to the sane Lexi but it is just so hard when your mind is constantly racing with all these negative thoughts and you just feel so crap all the time. I can't stand either being suicidally depressed, frustrated or in a hyper mood because I always crash and I am getting fed up of it.
All of this would make sense if I had a reason to be depressed, but I don't and I think that is what is making this 10x worse, because I can't pin this on anything. I don't know how much longer I can go on for like this.
About a week and a half ago I finally got a doctors appointment to see my usual GP. She had read the letter the Mental Health Liason Team has sent about my trip to A&E and my overdoses that I had taken. I told her that I had been having suicidal thoughts and that my overdoses weren't attempts to kill myself, just to self harm and harm my insides rather than the outside. I still can't be fully open to her about my feelings but in time I think I will get there. She has increased my medication, but I am still not feeling the effects of it yet. She has encouraged me to keep going back and seeing her whenever I like and feel like I want to hurt myself. But it is so hard be able to tell people face to face when I have these thoughts.
Later that day I met up with my friend to go and speak to my university about what has been going on as I feel I am beginning to struggle with my work. I tried talking to the lecturer but couldn't get out what I wanted to say, and my friend butted it and told him the extent of what had been going on. I am glad she did because it was just something I could not say. We all then went to speak to my course leader who was really supportive and wants me to see him after the lecturers easter break to discuss long extensions on my work. My lecturers suggested me taking a break but I told them straight that I didn't want to, nor did I want to exchange from the degree back onto the diploma. My nursing degree is something I really want to work for and do well on and so far I am doing really well both placement wise and theory wise. I am aiming for a 2:1 degree and if I can achieve that I will be more than satisfied. I just don't want to have to take a break but I know it could be a possible option if I get any worse, because I struggle to focus on my work at present so if I get any worse there is no way I will be able to do any of my work. It was a big relief to know I have a support network at university and that they weren't going to kick me off the course because of my problems.
There was a day last week that my dad took the day off work and worked from home. He went out during the morning and was out for quite a long time and I wondered where he was. He came back and told me that he had been to the doctors as he had been feeling depressed and that the doctor was going to refer him to a Psychiatrist to assess him for bipolar disorder as he said he had been having bad mood swings and has had a lot of depressive episodes recently. This came as a shock and out of the blue to me. I knew he was irritated about a family financial issue but as far as I knew he was enjoying work, had given himself more free time to spend with me and my mum and was happy with life. I guess I was wrong. So wrong. I can't help but blame myself. Perhaps I triggered him into this depressive episode because of my misdemeanors as of late. Perhaps if I had been able to hide my trip to A&E better, he would still be ok. I don't know if I can cope with this again with him being ill. I also feel like I am being suffocated. My parents are constantly asking if I'm ok and saying they want me to be happy etc and keep lingering round me like a fly to shit and are getting all touchy feely with me. I know they are concerned, I get that, I understand. I am their little girl and they want to help me get better. But this is too much. I feel trapped and like I am suffocating. This is the exact reason why I didn't want them to find out. I liked the normality. I hate people walking on eggshells around me.
Another thing really getting to me at the minute is another family feud going on, on my mums side. My uncle has just split up with his partner of 18 years and it is a very messy break up. Over the past few years she has made his life a living hell and he tried to commit suicide a couple of terms because of the verbal and emotional abuse she has been giving him. He has one child by her and fathers her son (the son thinks my uncle is his dad but he isn't and doesn't know yet) and has 2 other children from previous relationships. One of whom he found out about a couple of years ago. The eldest of his children despises him as he has never been there for him and has ended up on the slippery slope with drugs and is in prison for mugging and old lady. I am not surprised he turned out this way. He was rejected by his father and I can't say his mother is a warm and caring person either. The other child hates him also and hasn't been there for her. She is currently pregnant with the baby daddy in jail. She's not got a job and is still fighting with other people even though she is 25 weeks pregnant. My uncle stopped contact with these children because his ex partner would guilt trip him and make his life a living hell when he saw his other children. As their daughter is very ill with a very rare lung disease, she would make him feel guilty when he would see his other daughter saying things like, "You are a c*** and you hate our daughter because she is ill and your other daughter is suddenly popular because she is healthy" etc. She was truely awful to him but he could not stand up to her, until finally it was enough and a couple of months ago he left her. When he left her, her and her mother began ringing my nan and sending her threats, even though she had not gotten herself involved and was staying neutral. It got so bad with all the threats but my nan stood her ground by ignoring these threats. This upset me because my nan is the most peaceful person you will ever meet, but I never got involved at all in this feud. My nan didn't go to her "grandsons" 18th birthday party as she didn't want to go anywhere near the stupid bitch who was making her and her sons life hell. Then she started threatening my uncle. He stupidly admitted to her that he had been taking amphetamines and of course she used the kids as a weapon against him. The shit finally hit the pan last week when she went to his business and broke in and stole some of the property. He called the police on her just to scare her to leave him alone. She came back to his business the next day and she beat him up quite badly. He called the police and he had her arrested. Unfortunately she was arrested infront of her daughter but it was her own fault. I noticed yesterday that she had blocked me and my cousins from facebook and I can't get in contact with them anymore. I hope nothing happens to my sick cousin because I swear, if she doesn't let me have contact with her and something happens I will go over there and smash her face against a brick wall.
I have had my fiance here for the past week and a half and he has really looked after me and made sure I was ok. I feel like I am absolutely useless fiancee. I had to go to work and placement and worked long hours, leaving him alone for a few days. We didn't go out anywhere because I struggle to even leave the house except for work and even then I have panic attacks. I only got intimate with him once, which is unlike me because I usually have quite a high sex drive. I don't want him thinking he's useless and a failure because he's not. I am. I am letting him down. I was so happy he was with me, but a lot of the time I had thoughts of how I could hurt myself when he had gone home. I even took some needles from work and so tempted to use them when I get the chance to be home alone. Whenever my mum and dad are driving at a speed above 70mph I have thoughts where I wonder what would happen to us if I was to jolt the steering wheel and they lost control of the car. Whenever I walk over a bridge I always wonder what would happen if I jumped? I see some loose objects in my house and wonder what would happen if I used them. I've tied nooses a few times just to practice tying them but I don't have a desire to go through with these methods as of yet. I have a spark in me that wants to get better and work through this, I am trying to listen to the sane Lexi but it is just so hard when your mind is constantly racing with all these negative thoughts and you just feel so crap all the time. I can't stand either being suicidally depressed, frustrated or in a hyper mood because I always crash and I am getting fed up of it.
All of this would make sense if I had a reason to be depressed, but I don't and I think that is what is making this 10x worse, because I can't pin this on anything. I don't know how much longer I can go on for like this.
