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Not feeling too well...

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Tonight is not a good night for me. I feel bad saying how depressed I am because I know many people have it much worse off than me, but I still feel this way. I won't really get into my past because I just don't feel that it is relevant to how I am feeling right now. I am tired of blaming the past for the problems that I have now. Three years ago I was finally diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I've had the problems for a long time, but my mother felt that it was not necessary for me to be on medication so I continued for a long time without it.

So far the last three years have been up and down. I got out of a very abusive relationship. I met someone else who has been very good to me, but my problems have seriously gotten in the way of our relationship. This last spring I ended up dropping out of college for the third time, and have completely screwed myself over financially. Everyday I have some sort of bill come in the mail that I cannot pay. I lied to my girlfriend for a long time about our finances and eventually she caught me in the lie. I have a serious problem with compulsive lying and in addition to this great little problem I also have serious jealousy issues and delusions. I am taking my medications, but I have not been able to see a counselor. It seems like every counselor I call won't ever return my phone calls. It's not that I haven't tried I have called multiple counselors several times. Today I tried calling two more counselors. One never returned my call and
i really think the secretary of the other one lied to me. She was ready to set up my appointment and then asked me what I have been diagnosed with. Like an idiot I thought being honest would have been alright, but as soon as she heard Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder she just told me that they actually didn't have any openings and that they had just made a mistake.

I feel so hopeless right now. The one thing that I can say is that at least I have my job. I think my girlfriend is at the end of the rope now. We've been having a lot of trouble talking to each other and she says she is really sick of me saying this "this time I will get my shit together, this time will be better" I am honestly sick of me saying it too. Every day I think about killing myself. Every single day it comes into my mind at least once an hour. The only thing keeping me from it is knowing that despite our problems it would devastate my girlfriend and it might be even harder on her two children who are very attached to me. I'm afraid to go inpatient because I really think she is just going to leave me if I do that. In addition to that I am just absolutely sick of going inpatient, coming out feeling great, and everything going back to hell in less than a month.

Most of the time I honestly think that everyone would be better off without me. I feel so lonely and have lost most of my support system. I'm afraid that my other personality is going to win and I am going to end up killing myself.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
i am sorry you are not feeling so well hun i hope you can call your doc and see what new meds you can try to help stablilize you okay to helpyou get rid ofthese thoughts the sadness hugs


Staff Alumni
Hi L and welcome...it sounds so rough for you right now, but I am so glad you continue to try to find a counselor...have you gone to a university setting to see if there is counseling there? sometimes, this can be a good source of support...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing...welcome again, J


Antiquities Friend
Hi :) you arent alone in how you feel. Im sorry that things are so bad right now. What is it that they do inpatient that makes you feel better but subsides in a month ? whatever it is maybe you can do it at home. I understand that you are having trouble talking to your girlfriend but i reccommend being completely honest with her....maybe show her your post but cut and paste the text into a document if you dont want her to know exactly what site you are on. I agree 100 percent with what you are saying about your condition and doctors..i have a family member who is also borderline and they have seemingly translated that into "attention seeking disorder" i have no idea why. PLease keep posting ....xxx
Just an update. I am feeling better now, at least not in a complete slump. Me and my girlfriend are talking again and I feel a lot better. I will still continue my search for a counselor, I can't give up. For now I will visit my general practitioner and see how that goes. I just wish my mood was a little less swingy. I am really glad that I came to this forum. People here and in the chat have been very welcoming and definitely listen well. It does give me some comfort and allows me to see other reasons to live.

I really do have trouble coping with BP/BPD and I really wish I could just get some help instead of being swept under the rug.

Once again, thank you for listening to my little rant, and being very warm and welcoming. I'll definitely stick around here :D.


Antiquities Friend
Hi Im glad you are feeling a bit better....i know these arent things that will just go away but im glad you feel more calmer today ! xxxxx
Alright, this is absolutely ****ing ridiculous. I have called 4 more therapist in the last couple days and none of them have returned my calls. It's either the secretary making some stupid excuse, or letting the phone ring and never answering my messages. I'm just so sick of not being helped. I really try hard, and it feels like they just want me to wash down the rest of my medications with a bottle of vodka.

I don't want to go inpatient because I know that I won't get the help I need their either. Every time I go I never even end up seeing a psychiatrist or even a counselor. I just sit around with the other people until I lie to them about not wanting to commit suicide anymore.

I really don't think I deserve to be treated like this, but maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just taking up too much space in this hellhole.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
No you don't deserve to be treated the way you are being treated I am ashamed of the mental health profession how it has black balled people with borderline disorder they have to get themselves up to date with treatment and the fact it is a chemical imbalance not a behavior problem I would get that title removed okay just tell people your are bipolare only. You will get treatment then okay That label of borderline should not even be given to someone because of its negative stigma.
It was removed from someone i know and all of a sudden there was so many more doors open to her. Tell your GP to remove it okay hugs
I agree with eclipse about the borderline stigma - it's a label that doesn't seem to do anyone any good, especially those diagnosed with it.

The therapists that are declining you on this basis, you probably wouldn't have wanted to see them anyways - glad you are feeling a little better and are able to concentrate on a few positives in your life (job, kids looking up to you, etc).

Peace, G
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