Tonight is not a good night for me. I feel bad saying how depressed I am because I know many people have it much worse off than me, but I still feel this way. I won't really get into my past because I just don't feel that it is relevant to how I am feeling right now. I am tired of blaming the past for the problems that I have now. Three years ago I was finally diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I've had the problems for a long time, but my mother felt that it was not necessary for me to be on medication so I continued for a long time without it. So far the last three years have been up and down. I got out of a very abusive relationship. I met someone else who has been very good to me, but my problems have seriously gotten in the way of our relationship. This last spring I ended up dropping out of college for the third time, and have completely screwed myself over financially. Everyday I have some sort of bill come in the mail that I cannot pay. I lied to my girlfriend for a long time about our finances and eventually she caught me in the lie. I have a serious problem with compulsive lying and in addition to this great little problem I also have serious jealousy issues and delusions. I am taking my medications, but I have not been able to see a counselor. It seems like every counselor I call won't ever return my phone calls. It's not that I haven't tried I have called multiple counselors several times. Today I tried calling two more counselors. One never returned my call and i really think the secretary of the other one lied to me. She was ready to set up my appointment and then asked me what I have been diagnosed with. Like an idiot I thought being honest would have been alright, but as soon as she heard Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder she just told me that they actually didn't have any openings and that they had just made a mistake. I feel so hopeless right now. The one thing that I can say is that at least I have my job. I think my girlfriend is at the end of the rope now. We've been having a lot of trouble talking to each other and she says she is really sick of me saying this "this time I will get my shit together, this time will be better" I am honestly sick of me saying it too. Every day I think about killing myself. Every single day it comes into my mind at least once an hour. The only thing keeping me from it is knowing that despite our problems it would devastate my girlfriend and it might be even harder on her two children who are very attached to me. I'm afraid to go inpatient because I really think she is just going to leave me if I do that. In addition to that I am just absolutely sick of going inpatient, coming out feeling great, and everything going back to hell in less than a month. Most of the time I honestly think that everyone would be better off without me. I feel so lonely and have lost most of my support system. I'm afraid that my other personality is going to win and I am going to end up killing myself.