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Not fitting in .. no personality

libra

Active Member
#1
Recovery? What is recovery?
I am less impulsive yes, i am able to attend college... living back home with my partner and children but don't fit in. not in any aspect of my life.
I feel as though I have no personality at all.
I still don't know anymore about me then i did years ago, I'm calmer because i rarely react, I am that awkward person you see that cant bring words to the surface, I cant speak to staff in a shop alone. I've been avoiding the school run and the food shop again. feel it has been such a build up.

Although my family are in touch with me now i know they still don't accept mental health. After everything we went through the breakdown, I thought I would be closer to closure, but we have slipped right back into where we were before, we don't talk about anything that they don't want to hear or basically risk losing touch all over again. So although there is a familiar comfort in being around them, i seem to have put myself back into a box that i spent so long trying to escape.

At home my relationship is more of a fragile friendship, the children don't really see us as parents but maybe more housemates, adult disagreements seem to become more of a divide in the house with one child going with each, its horrible! I find myself thinking how to escape, how if i could turn back the clock i wouldn't bring children into such a messed up situation, ,well not situation, to such a messed up mother.
I think i am a narcissist I am actually a terrible mother. as hard as I try I always slip up. The damage I am doing.

I am feeling very much like a needle in a haystack, the world is my haystack.
I have no voice, no personality, no family, no friends.
I feel very aware of my heart beating but it feels so unnatural.

I need to find a way to feel better, to build my family up not tear them down!
I need some kind of spark in me.
How do i become a real person, a daughter, a sister, a mother, an auntie not this empty floating vessel.
 

Dawn

Well-Known Member
#2
Wish I had the answers so so much! Have u tried meds or therapy? It is worth a try. Your post shows how much u care for your family and want to do the right things. Sometimes, we tend to be too hard on ourselves and some of us are hard on ourselves all the time! I hope u can somehow ease up on you, maybe just doing that would help so much. But way easier said than done I know.

Many of us at SF don't have friends. But when we found this place we do now. And we are your friends now and we are here for u! I know it is not the same as real life, but this place really helps. In so hope u feel better
 

libra

Active Member
#4
Wish I had the answers so so much! Have u tried meds or therapy? It is worth a try. Your post shows how much u care for your family and want to do the right things. Sometimes, we tend to be too hard on ourselves and some of us are hard on ourselves all the time! I hope u can somehow ease up on you, maybe just doing that would help so much. But way easier said than done I know.

Many of us at SF don't have friends. But when we found this place we do now. And we are your friends now and we are here for u! I know it is not the same as real life, but this place really helps. In so hope u feel better
Thank you!
Yes I have been on meds for years now, they have been lowered in the past after therapy.
I'm just feeling lost and very aware of that fact.
I am in social situations that should make me feel better but I shut down week after week and feel frustrated and even more alien.
 

Dawn

Well-Known Member
#5
Me too i feel so apart from others a lot and just so alone. U put into words what I couldn't. Like feeling like a needle in haystack and alien and heart feeling unnatural as it beats. I seem to be aware of it all the time and drown in loneliness. This place has helped me a lot. They are the kindest ever, it is amazing! And we are so glad u are here so we can support u through all this. We totally get where u are coming from. Ppl in the world don't understand at all and makes them upset etc.
 

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