i realized that there is too much uncertainty in my head at the moment and a "part of me" (who i call my supportive voice (and no i don't have multiple personalities)) says i shouldn't go since i'm not certain enough.... actually....that part of me said "without thinking, give me a number to tell me how percent sure you are..." and without thinking i said "20%" that was pretty low (and surprisingly low at that....i didn't expect to say only 20% sure.) that part of me, who i call "grace" (though I am male), promised to stick by whatever decision i make....even if it is to go...but "she" wants me to be sure. "grace" promised me she would let me die, even though "grace" doesn't entirely agree with it, but "grace" knows how many promises have been shattered in my life and when she made the promise to let me die, she knew how serious it was of a promise, because she didn't want to break another promise. of course, it was, "if you are sure you believe you need to die, i promise it will happen." of course she qualified it with "if you are sure." i had said to myself i don't want to be here after February and that i'll be very disappointed with myself if i'm still alive in March. but that supportive voice said "we still have some days before the end of February...if you still want to go we can still go, just wait a few more days." i don't know what a few more days will do. i'm waiting on a miracle. bottom line: (1) i loath myself and have for 20+ years (2) i loath myself so much that i can no longer change that on my own...it is ingrained in me....so i need external help (3) BUT, as mentioned in other threads, help = danger (a paradox for sure) (4) so since i know i cannot convince myself that i am not a parasite and since help = danger, how in the hell can it ever get better? i can't help myself and others are too dangerous for me to seek their "help". some in this forum have said "therapists and doctors...etc...don't really help anyway etc." then who? who can help? (and remember my self-loathing is ingrained, it is as natural to me a blinking.) plus, i have this lingering question in my head, a question that plagues me all the time when i look at the world: what is the logic in staying alive at all costs? why is the Universe infused with this live and procreate and the survival of the species? what is the point? and i'm not asking it in a "suicidal" way.....i ask it in a very curious way. what is the point of this Universe? Really, I'm asking that seriously! probably too big of a question. but back to the other issue, the only reason i can think of, personally, to stay alive is because i don't want to die. but that clashes with how deeply i loath myself and need to punish myself for my entire existence. it just seem "wrong" to keep a "criminal" like me alive. i'm not "officially" criminal, i suppose (though that last therapist who abandoned me filed a "no contact order" against me because I was repeatedly trying to get answer and closure from her, so that make me feel VERY criminal and wrong and no one has understood how damaging that "little" bit was to me, only solidfying my self-loathing!) my life is just a piece of shit. i feel sick and disappointed in myself.