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not going to go tonight...disappointed?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Feb 21, 2008.

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  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i realized that there is too much uncertainty in my head at the moment and a "part of me" (who i call my supportive voice (and no i don't have multiple personalities)) says i shouldn't go since i'm not certain enough....

    actually....that part of me said "without thinking, give me a number to tell me how percent sure you are..." and without thinking i said "20%" that was pretty low (and surprisingly low at that....i didn't expect to say only 20% sure.)

    that part of me, who i call "grace" (though I am male), promised to stick by whatever decision i make....even if it is to go...but "she" wants me to be sure. "grace" promised me she would let me die, even though "grace" doesn't entirely agree with it, but "grace" knows how many promises have been shattered in my life and when she made the promise to let me die, she knew how serious it was of a promise, because she didn't want to break another promise. of course, it was, "if you are sure you believe you need to die, i promise it will happen." of course she qualified it with "if you are sure."

    i had said to myself i don't want to be here after February and that i'll be very disappointed with myself if i'm still alive in March. but that supportive voice said "we still have some days before the end of February...if you still want to go we can still go, just wait a few more days."

    i don't know what a few more days will do. i'm waiting on a miracle.

    bottom line:

    (1) i loath myself and have for 20+ years
    (2) i loath myself so much that i can no longer change that on my own...it is ingrained in me....so i need external help
    (3) BUT, as mentioned in other threads, help = danger (a paradox for sure)
    (4) so since i know i cannot convince myself that i am not a parasite and since help = danger, how in the hell can it ever get better?

    i can't help myself and others are too dangerous for me to seek their "help".

    some in this forum have said "therapists and doctors...etc...don't really help anyway etc." then who? who can help? (and remember my self-loathing is ingrained, it is as natural to me a blinking.)

    plus, i have this lingering question in my head, a question that plagues me all the time when i look at the world: what is the logic in staying alive at all costs? why is the Universe infused with this live and procreate and the survival of the species? what is the point? and i'm not asking it in a "suicidal" way.....i ask it in a very curious way. what is the point of this Universe? Really, I'm asking that seriously!

    probably too big of a question.

    but back to the other issue, the only reason i can think of, personally, to stay alive is because i don't want to die. but that clashes with how deeply i loath myself and need to punish myself for my entire existence. it just seem "wrong" to keep a "criminal" like me alive. i'm not "officially" criminal, i suppose (though that last therapist who abandoned me filed a "no contact order" against me because I was repeatedly trying to get answer and closure from her, so that make me feel VERY criminal and wrong and no one has understood how damaging that "little" bit was to me, only solidfying my self-loathing!)

    my life is just a piece of shit.

    i feel sick and disappointed in myself.
  2. Deep Thought

    Deep Thought Well-Known Member

    u have no idea how glad i am 2 hear from u! i was gettin worried.

    i'm with ur 'supportive voice' on this; if there's doubt theres a reason 4 tht doubt. and i kno tht if u get in the downward spiral of depression and self-loathing then u might, superficially, convince urself of suicide. if tht happens u nd a why of stepping bck 2 consider everything in ur life and within urself (and this can't b done in a couple of minutes). now thts gonna b hard 2 do, but u nd 2 find a way of doin tht; thts wot therapists t meant 4 (though i kno u've had bad experiences with them), but wot about physical exercise 2 clear ur head, and plus it release's endorphins tht give u a little high and calm u. i kno tht at these times running is the last thing u want 2 do, but u have 2 make a conscious effort 2 get up and do something 2 help (or at least consider everything).

    and y did u refer 2 urself as a criminal? u've done nothin wrong, and tht therapist case doesn't count coz she was a bitch.

    anyway, i'm glad ur still here.

  3. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry hun that ur feeling like this, mayb "grace" wants you to stay around a bit longer to make sure that u are sure about ur desition, so its not just cause ur rly down atm. I hope things get better hun, and I hope u will still b around in march x x x please stay safe x
  4. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    I really suck at comforting people, but at least I'm gonna try to express my sentiment on the whole picture.
    You need to find a purpose for yourself, something that will make you want to live. I know I'm not telling you anything new here, but what's the point of living if you haven't got any reason to. That's exactly the case for me right now, I have no motivation and that's not leading me anywhere. We need to find something that will make us happy, that will make us want to go on. If we wait for something to happen magically, then we can be sure that nothing good is going to happen, and this can only end one way.
    I don't want to die, as I don't want you nor anyone else here to die. We have to start acting and help each other in this matter, I don't know how but we have to find. Or we can always go on with all the nice words, but is that really helping...
  5. NuPrime33

    NuPrime33 Member

    People have to want to change themselves. No one's gonna do it for you. Change yourself, lifestyle, or life completely. The reason I don't want to die right now is because it would suck, ha! I rather live in this world of mild agony than not exist at all. But hey, that's just me :wink:
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