Not going to make it

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lostgirl88, Dec 3, 2013.

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  1. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    I am a mess right now, I failed a half hearted attempt last week and things just seem to be getting worse. It is all I can do to function, my son asked me what I wanted for Christmas this evening and it was all I could do not to break down sobbing in front of him because I don't know if I can hold out until Christmas. I don't want to ruin the holidays for him I know that suicide is viewed as selfish but I am doing everything I can to hold I just want to stop hurting, I want to not exist so I can't screw things up for other people anymore.
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi lostgirl88,

    Welcome to the forums. I am sorry to see you in so much pain. I want to say, I understand where you are at now (emotionally speaking). I have attempted 7 times myself and been almost ready to try again countless other times. You say that you've heard suicide is selfish.... I disagree. Does that mean that I condone suicide? No, I don't. It does not solve anything... not for you (you just get dead, you dont ever get to know what it is to be happy or to be happy again, how does that resolve your problems?) and not for the ones that care about you (they get to hurt over your loss for the remainder of their lives and wonder why either you didn't allow them to try to help you or they couldn't help you). This is my beliefs on the psychology of suicide and suicide attempts:

    (copied from a post i replied to yesterday)

    I refuse to lie to you and tell you that its because suicide is a selfish thing and not courageous at all. That is both an affront to me and anyone that has ever tried or succeeded in suicide as much as it is a flat out lie. Suicide is selfish in that it involves the person doing what they feel they need to do and putting that over and above what others may think/feel... but at the same time, its not selfish, because they are also hurting themselves, even though they dont view it in that way... therefore, they are not getting a reward while others suffer... they simply hope to not be around anymore period. Suicide is also courageous tho too in that it takes every ounce of strength you may still have within you psychologically and emotionally to even put for the effort to attempt it. Why is this? Is it because you are scared of death? Maybe, but not always. Is it because you are scared of the unknown? Maybe, but not always. Is it because you are scared of messing it up and ending up living in a coma or a vegetative state? Maybe, but not always. So what is the constant? That there is always some small part of everyone that wants to survive. That small part has a voice... and it speaks out loud and proud the second you decide to follow through with your suicidal intentions.. which weakens you just a bit if not totally, and makes it harder for a successful attempt. Some people are able to still have enough energy left to see it though, but the success rate of a suicide, is very small in comparison to the attempt rate.. and I believe its cuz of that voice. Its a good thing its there, but it frustrating as hell when you really want to end it, I know... trust me, I know. I dont' know how to take that frustartion away and I dont think I want to try... but if you want to talk about whats bothering you.. I'm all ears/eyes...

    Now, I'd like to offer the same thing to you... if you want to talk about what's bothering you, I'm all eyes/ears... I am on chat here almost always and I check the forums semi-regular. My inbox and private messages are open to everyone. I want you to understand one more thing.... all of us here have an internal battle waging: Mental illness/abusers/addictions v ourselves We constantly battle to regain the control our mental illness/abusers/addictions have stole from us.. we also always have the option of just simply handing over control to them. The danger in handing over that control is simple: You will no longer have a say and all those people and things you hold dear will be the first to go because those are the things your mental illness/addiction/abuser hate the most. I ask you, do you really want to allow your mental illness/addictions/abusers to take over final control of you, or do you still wish to continue the fight? Think it over, and get back to me. I hope you will decide to stay in the fight!! Hugs and best wishes to you... know that you are in my thoughts. Take care.
     
  3. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    Demure I am not asking anyone to condone suicide. When I said that about it being selfish I am repeating what I hear from so many people when they talk about others that have committed suicide that they were selfish. I don't agree, I cant from my perspective my dying right now would be about the best thing I could do for those around me. I know that I am an emotional drain on them. Those that claimed to be my friends have distanced themselves from me as time has passed and I have remained unemployed it hasnt even been that long only 4 months. My family members distanced them selves along time ago when I realized that if I didnt expend all of my energy keeping the relationship together it would fail and I was right when I quit calling or emailing all communication stopped and they still havent figured out why. Financially, my dying would be the best thing for all involved. Believe it or not I have had my life insurance long enough that they will pay out even for a suicide so all of my debts will be paid and there will be enough that my children can afford to go to college without student loans. It really is rather funny my life insurance will pay out for suicide but my health insurance and my disability insurance neither one will pay for a mental health hospitalization what a screwed up society we have. I suppose I wont do it yet I see my therapist in 4 days I should give him a chance to talk me out of it or wait until after the holidays so I dont ruin Christmas for my kids.
     
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