Wait a minute, I've missed something here. After the last year or so of being completely certain you could never love another, you actually did fall for someone else? Doesn't that show that your original belief was wrong? And if that strongly defended belief turned out to be wrong, maybe the way you're thinking now - that you're not good enough to be loved- will also turn out to be wrong. Plenty of us who have followed your threads think you are good enough, or we wouldn't be trying so hard to convince you that you can find love and happiness again.
Nobody thinks you're a monster, Jolene, just very deeply depressed, and of course you don't want to suffer like this. But as talking here and even with your therapist isn't helping much, if at all, I really don't understand why you're so reluctant to try meds, or even tell your doctor how you've been feeling all this time. Endless misery or suicide aren't your only options you know.
Well, it's complicated to explain. I don't know if it is love (well, I do know but I can't admit it even to myself because if I recognize that I may be loving this guy, my pain will be even worse). I didn't forget my ex, I just... I have my feelings for him locked in a box in a corner of my mind. One day the box will explode, I tell it to my therapist but she says that I shouldn't worry about that right now.
But this story was different and...it was the final clue: I can't be happy. It was just life teasing me with something good (too good, I imagine, if I couldn't reach the goal) and then took it from me. It's torture. And I am not willing to spend my whole life feeling like this. It was better when it was just the pain for my ex, at least I was used to it and...well, I will say it: I still think that I'm one of the best my ex could get. But in this case...
But the thing is that I wasn't recovered and now I have another wound. This new one is burning me but the other one is still here. Fantastic, two grieves at once.
About telling my therapist... As I said, I am too afraid of telling her that I'm suicidal. If I did, she would tell my family, they will lock me or watch over me 24/7 and then I would never have a chance to... To do it. Yes, I m in the same situation as always: I don't have the guts to kill myself but I am desperate and knowing that I'll never be capable of doing it or won't have the chance for being under surveillance... Even if I did, my intention was making seem like an accident (this is why I couldn't find the perfect way) because I don't want to hurt people or making them feel guilty. Just with them knowing that I want to die, they would suffer. And I would never be capable of explaining that nobody can help me, only a miracle, because it's nobody's fault, only mine for not being good enough to have the things I need. No words would convince them and I don't want anyone feeling guilty for this.