Not good enough

[Lara_C]

But my problems are in the present and nothing, nor regressive therapy nor meds will give me what I need and without that I don't want to be alive

Youre not taking the point we're trying to make Jolene, which is that the way you are feeling is determined by the way you think, and antidepressants can make you feel better by breaking the habitual patterns of thought which continually recreate the pain and despair which is cutting you off from life and happiness. Depression is an actual illness or disorder in the way the brain functions, which by definition affects the way a person thinks and feels. It traps a person in a prison of pain and fear created and recreated by their own mind.

We've gone over the kind of thoughts which preoccuppy you many times, but have not managed to convince you that these thoughts are dysfunctional beliefs, not absolute truths, which are ruining your life - e.g. your conviction that your ex is the only person on the planet you could ever love or be happy with. I know you hold onto this belief very strongly, but given that he has made it clear he doesn't want to be with you, where is the sense in continuing to sacrifice your entire life and your whole ability to be happy to "prove" this belief is true?

The issue is how can you break this cycle of oppressive, negative thinking which is ruining your life? Given that talk therapy isn't working, how many more years do you want to suffer before deciding to try meds? It seems a stupid question, but do you actually want to get better Jolene? What else is there to try other than meds?

 

[Angel777]

hi Jolene , never be afraid to be honest , to your therapist, the truth sets you free, as they say. If your honest then you will get the right help.if you don’t , then your with the wrong therapist. I think you are very afraid and scared , please don’t be, speak up, like you do on here . Everyone who has helped you On here has given brilliant advice , and I really think if your smart, you will take it, and work towards getting better . The answers you seek are in the reply’s you’ve got. It’s up to you now to be strong , and take action into getting better . You know in your heart , you need to be well.

 

[Jolene]

Youre not taking the point we're trying to make Jolene, which is that the way you are feeling is determined by the way you think, and antidepressants can make you feel better by breaking the habitual patterns of thought which continually recreate the pain and despair which is cutting you off from life and happiness. Depression is an actual illness or disorder in the way the brain functions, which by definition affects the way a person thinks and feels. It traps a person in a prison of pain and fear created and recreated by their own mind.

We've gone over the kind of thoughts which preoccuppy you many times, but have not managed to convince you that these thoughts are dysfunctional beliefs, not absolute truths, which are ruining your life - e.g. your conviction that your ex is the only person on the planet you could ever love or be happy with. I know you hold onto this belief very strongly, but given that he has made it clear he doesn't want to be with you, where is the sense in continuing to sacrifice your entire life and your whole ability to be happy to "prove" this belief is true?

The issue is how can you break this cycle of oppressive, negative thinking which is ruining your life? Given that talk therapy isn't working, how many more years do you want to suffer before deciding to try meds? It seems a stupid question, but do you actually want to get better Jolene? What else is there to try other than meds?

But things changed lately...they got better and then...worse. Way worse. And... I don't even know. It's not about my thoughts, it's about the reality I'm living each day, right now. The things I've lost and keep loosing. The fact that I can't have anything I... anything I love. Meds won't give me that. And the side effects... Yes, I will tell about my concerns to a doctor, I promise, but... My life is what it is. I don't wanna suffer like this. If I thought meds could help, I've already taking them. But the thing is that they are not going to change my reality, the real one, not the one on my mind

 

[Jolene]

hi Jolene , never be afraid to be honest , to your therapist, the truth sets you free, as they say. If your honest then you will get the right help.if you don’t , then your with the wrong therapist. I think you are very afraid and scared , please don’t be, speak up, like you do on here . Everyone who has helped you On here has given brilliant advice , and I really think if your smart, you will take it, and work towards getting better . The answers you seek are in the reply’s you’ve got. It’s up to you now to be strong , and take action into getting better . You know in your heart , you need to be well.

But I am not strong, not anymore. I was strong my whole life and where did it take me? Here. To a lifetime nightmare where I can't have what I need and love. I'm tired. I don't want a lifetime of pain

 

[Lara_C]

. It's not about my thoughts, it's about the reality I'm living each day, right now. The things I've lost and keep loosing. The fact that I can't have anything I... anything I love. Meds won't give me that.

My life is what it is. I don't wanna suffer like this. If I thought meds could help, I've already taking them. But the thing is that they are not going to change my reality, the real one, not the one on my mind

Your feelings about your reality don't happen in a thought vacuum though, Jolene. You feel like this because you believe you've lost the only person you could ever love, without whom, you believe, life is a never ending nightmare. It's this thought, and similar ones, which form the pattern which is creating and recreating the pain and despair you feel.

While meds can't restore your ex to you, they can change the way you think, and therefore feel, by stopping the focus on the negative thought complex which is gripping your mind. We can't change what happened but we can definitely change the way we think about it, and sometimes meds are necessary to break an ingrained negative pattern.

 

[JmpMster]

View attachment 21887 View attachment 21888

Thats all- just a couple points...

 

[Jolene]

Your feelings about your reality don't happen in a thought vacuum though, Jolene. You feel like this because you believe you've lost the only person you could ever love, without whom, you believe, life is a never ending nightmare. It's this thought, and similar ones, which form the pattern which is creating and recreating the pain and despair you feel.

While meds can't restore your ex to you, they can change the way you think, and therefore feel, by stopping the focus on the negative thought complex which is gripping your mind. We can't change what happened but we can definitely change the way we think about it, and sometimes meds are necessary to break an ingrained negative pattern.

This is not about my ex anymore, that's the problem...
And I promise I will talk to my doctor about meds in the next appointment but... I am hopeless

 

[Jolene]

Thats all- just a couple points...

Thank you, I understand... But my depression is caused for the reality, for the things that happen to me everyday.. I understand that I'm "ill" and my brain is malfunctioning but the reality is what it is and that's why I wanna die

 

[JmpMster]

Thank you, I understand... But my depression is caused for the reality, for the things that happen to me everyday.. I understand that I'm "ill" and my brain is malfunctioning but the reality is what it is and that's why I wanna die

You do not understand- you are confusing reality with your perception.

 

[Jolene]

You do not understand- you are confusing reality with your perception.

I wish, but what is happening (and not happening) is very real. I am tired and broken. The more I fight for something, the more pain I get. what is the point?

 

[JmpMster]

What are you fighting for and why are you fighting for it?
I get quite upset every time I do not win mega lotto- and it certainly has a negative effect on my dreams- but then those dreams are based in dreams, not reality. When nearing divorce after 20 years of marriage it was definitely an exceptionally difficult time - and I felt for a while like there was no purpose in living without the family and home i had invested 20 years on and too old to start again on disability and at 51 , but when I started to look at the things I had instead of the things I might not have- very little things- a smile from a stranger, somebody letting me out in traffic, my dog from avatar that is now very old half blind and half deaf but still sits with me , I found 50 things to be grateful for every day- by simply opening my eyes and choosing to see the good instead of the bad. No it is not easy at all- and no it is not harder on you than everybody else either- it is hard - period, It is far from impossible and no, I did not read the 5 pages- after 2 pages of all repeating the same thing while you insist you are different and not mentioning anything that you are doing for treatment or to improve the situation on your own, I stopped reading and replied politely. Many will believe this is not polite. But equally many will see the situation and understand agreeing with a person their life has no value and they should die is far more counter-productive. You have a great amount of value- and only you do not see it- and that is Perception. It is NOT reality.

 

[Jolene]

What are you fighting for and why are you fighting for it?
I get quite upset every time I do not win mega lotto- and it certainly has a negative effect on my dreams- but then those dreams are based in dreams, not reality. When nearing divorce after 20 years of marriage it was definitely an exceptionally difficult time - and I felt for a while like there was no purpose in living without the family and home i had invested 20 years on and too old to start again on disability and at 51 , but when I started to look at the things I had instead of the things I might not have- very little things- a smile from a stranger, somebody letting me out in traffic, my dog from avatar that is now very old half blind and half deaf but still sits with me , I found 50 things to be grateful for every day- by simply opening my eyes and choosing to see the good instead of the bad. No it is not easy at all- and no it is not harder on you than everybody else either- it is hard - period, It is far from impossible and no, I did not read the 5 pages- after 2 pages of all repeating the same thing while you insist you are different and not mentioning anything that you are doing for treatment or to improve the situation on your own, I stopped reading and replied politely. Many will believe this is not polite. But equally many will see the situation and understand agreeing with a person their life has no value and they should die is far more counter-productive. You have a great amount of value- and only you do not see it- and that is Perception. It is NOT reality.

Sorry. I deserve this. And all the bad things that happen to me. I know, I'm a monster who only cries and wants to die. Sorry for making you (and all SF) losing your time and still thank you for having done it.

PD. Love. I was fighting for love. The most important thing for me and the one which has been always taken from me. My heart has been broken twice lately and even if I had enough experience (as I said, love is something I could never have or if I did, I lost it) but these two times had made me realize that I will never be good enough to have it.
PLEASE, don't tell me "you don't need a boyfriend for being happy..." and all that. I know that the intention is good but these words only hurt me more. If I'm in love, I want and need to be with that person. If I'm not, if I never will, no matter how much I fight, no matter if when I'm at my worse I give a chance to another thing... Well, I end up like this. And realizing that my life has always been this and always be is my reason to die. Because I can't stand suffering this my whole life. I've had enough

 

[Lara_C]

My heart has been broken twice lately

Wait a minute, I've missed something here. After the last year or so of being completely certain you could never love another, you actually did fall for someone else? Doesn't that show that your original belief was wrong? And if that strongly defended belief turned out to be wrong, maybe the way you're thinking now - that you're not good enough to be loved- will also turn out to be wrong. Plenty of us who have followed your threads think you are good enough, or we wouldn't be trying so hard to convince you that you can find love and happiness again.

I know, I'm a monster who only cries and wants to die.

Because I can't stand suffering this my whole life. I've had enough

Nobody thinks you're a monster, Jolene, just very deeply depressed, and of course you don't want to suffer like this. But as talking here and even with your therapist isn't helping much, if at all, I really don't understand why you're so reluctant to try meds, or even tell your doctor how you've been feeling all this time. Endless misery or suicide aren't your only options you know.

 

[Jolene]

Wait a minute, I've missed something here. After the last year or so of being completely certain you could never love another, you actually did fall for someone else? Doesn't that show that your original belief was wrong? And if that strongly defended belief turned out to be wrong, maybe the way you're thinking now - that you're not good enough to be loved- will also turn out to be wrong. Plenty of us who have followed your threads think you are good enough, or we wouldn't be trying so hard to convince you that you can find love and happiness again.

Nobody thinks you're a monster, Jolene, just very deeply depressed, and of course you don't want to suffer like this. But as talking here and even with your therapist isn't helping much, if at all, I really don't understand why you're so reluctant to try meds, or even tell your doctor how you've been feeling all this time. Endless misery or suicide aren't your only options you know.

Well, it's complicated to explain. I don't know if it is love (well, I do know but I can't admit it even to myself because if I recognize that I may be loving this guy, my pain will be even worse). I didn't forget my ex, I just... I have my feelings for him locked in a box in a corner of my mind. One day the box will explode, I tell it to my therapist but she says that I shouldn't worry about that right now.
But this story was different and...it was the final clue: I can't be happy. It was just life teasing me with something good (too good, I imagine, if I couldn't reach the goal) and then took it from me. It's torture. And I am not willing to spend my whole life feeling like this. It was better when it was just the pain for my ex, at least I was used to it and...well, I will say it: I still think that I'm one of the best my ex could get. But in this case...
But the thing is that I wasn't recovered and now I have another wound. This new one is burning me but the other one is still here. Fantastic, two grieves at once.

About telling my therapist... As I said, I am too afraid of telling her that I'm suicidal. If I did, she would tell my family, they will lock me or watch over me 24/7 and then I would never have a chance to... To do it. Yes, I m in the same situation as always: I don't have the guts to kill myself but I am desperate and knowing that I'll never be capable of doing it or won't have the chance for being under surveillance... Even if I did, my intention was making seem like an accident (this is why I couldn't find the perfect way) because I don't want to hurt people or making them feel guilty. Just with them knowing that I want to die, they would suffer. And I would never be capable of explaining that nobody can help me, only a miracle, because it's nobody's fault, only mine for not being good enough to have the things I need. No words would convince them and I don't want anyone feeling guilty for this.

 

[Lara_C]

Don't you see that denying yourself possibly life saving treatment because you want to reserve the option of arranging a fatal 'accident' for yourself is a sign of how much you are in need of the care of a qualified person with experience in treating depression as serious as yours?

Depression can be as dangerous and life threatening as any other physical illness, but who would refuse life saving treatment for any other condition ? No other illness makes us refuse treatment which could restore us to health, and depression is so dangerous because it distorts the way we think itself. These thoughts are caused by depression, not cold reason.

 

[Jolene]

Don't you see that denying yourself possibly life saving treatment because you want to reserve the option of arranging a fatal 'accident' for yourself is a sign of how much you are in need of the care of a qualified person with experience in treating depression as serious as yours?

Depression can be as dangerous and life threatening as any other physical illness, but who would refuse life saving treatment for any other condition ? No other illness makes us refuse treatment which could restore us to health, and depression is so dangerous because it distorts the way we think itself. These thoughts are caused by depression, not cold reason.

But I can't stand the idea of being locked in a hospital or under surveillance 24/7. That would only give me more reasons to kill myself and I have enough. And I would want to be dead, worse than now, and I would not be able to do it. And it's not like I have tried, I'm safe because I'm not brave enough to do it. But I rather do it now than being locked

 

[Were all together]

Jolene, you're not going to be "locked away". You need to be honest with your therapist. Or else, what's the point of even going? Your therapist needs to know how you feel to structure a plan for you. It doesn't mean locking you away. As far as meds. Not all work on everyone. Sometimes you may have to try a dozen, just to find the right one. And remember, each one takes a few weeks to work. Jumping out of depression doesn't happen in a day. It's an ongoing process. A process that involves YOU, wanting to get better. Also, remember just because you have suffered setbacks. It does not mean you are not destined for a better life. People suffer the same setbacks, everyday. Yet, they move on. You must want to do the same.

 

[Lara_C]

But I can't stand the idea of being locked in a hospital or under surveillance 24/7.

It wouldn't happen, unless you're in clear and imminent danger of harming yourself, which you're not, and it was the only way to keep you safe until a treatment plan was worked out. As for not telling your therapist how you've been feeling for so long, you are sabotaging your own therapy. She would not tell your family unless you asked her to as that would be professional misconduct for which she could be sued by you, or face disciplinary measures.

 

[Jolene]

Jolene, you're not going to be "locked away". You need to be honest with your therapist. Or else, what's the point of even going? Your therapist needs to know how you feel to structure a plan for you. It doesn't mean locking you away. As far as meds. Not all work on everyone. Sometimes you may have to try a dozen, just to find the right one. And remember, each one takes a few weeks to work. Jumping out of depression doesn't happen in a day. It's an ongoing process. A process that involves YOU, wanting to get better. Also, remember just because you have suffered setbacks. It does not mean you are not destined for a better life. People suffer the same setbacks, everyday. Yet, they move on. You must want to do the same.

I do want to get better but my happiness depends on things that are out of my control. That's the problem. No matter how much I try to fight... I only get pain.
Well, my next appointment with my therapist is set for a few days after something very, very painful will happen to me (yes, I have a date when I will get even more hurt, the pain will escalate more in the following days and that day will be my ending... so when I go to the therapist a few days later, I will be so broken that I guess I will tell her everything because it will be impossible to hide. I just.. I don't want to be alive to live that event but it's going to happen, I won't kill myself before so... The result will destroy me and the therapy will be the post painfully sincere ever, probably

 

[Jolene]

It wouldn't happen, unless you're in clear and imminent danger of harming yourself, which you're not, and it was the only way to keep you safe until a treatment plan was worked out. As for not telling your therapist how you've been feeling for so long, you are sabotaging your own therapy. She would not tell your family unless you asked her to as that would be professional misconduct for which she could be sued by you, or face disciplinary measures.

That is a relief, really. I am afraid of the consecuences of confessing this secret. But it's not fair, I didn't try, not even once, I didn't self-harmed... I'm supposed to be safe because I'm not brave enough to kill myself. And she knows me since two years ago, I never lied to her, even sometimes I told her "but I don't even want to be alive for that moment"... I guess she should know that I'm not in imminent danger. Because if I was capable of doing it, I would have already done it. I should have and I wouldn't be suffering this situation but I didn't and I'm afraid I never will