not good

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Itiswhatitis, Aug 25, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Itiswhatitis

    Itiswhatitis Active Member

    Tonight is not a good night. Fuck. I can feel the downward spiral starting. I hope that I can survive this one.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hoping you make it through the night. Any idea what's triggered the downward spiral?
     
  3. Itiswhatitis

    Itiswhatitis Active Member

    No, and that's terrifying. I never see it coming and never know what expect. But the fact that I have gone so far down hill so quickly this time is scary.
     
  4. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    The same thing happens to me. If fact it happened last night and the speed it happened and level of depession flattened me. There was no trigger as far as I can tell. But it passed. Im not exactly singing in the rain, actually im still very bummed out today and incredibly tired, but I survived it. Are you taking anything for it , like lamotragine?
     
  5. Itiswhatitis

    Itiswhatitis Active Member

    No, I'm not currently on anything. I've been on many many different meds over the past several years, but I lost my heath coverage and simply could not afford my meds, psychologist or psychiatrist. I know I need to get help but I'm too scared to.
     
  6. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    Never be scared to ask for help. Sometimes it takes a lot of balls to take that step. Did any of the meds that you took help you? Are you NOS bipolar, so most of the meds were for the depressive cycle? I dont know how the medical system works in your country but is there no chance of paying for meds. Where i live lamotragine (which helps with the depressive part) only costs a few euros a month. Are these things expensive where you are or is it visiting the doc to get the prescription the expensive bit?
     
  7. Itiswhatitis

    Itiswhatitis Active Member

    When I was hospitalized three times last year, my ex husband got wind if it although he didn't know specific details. He threatened to take my daughter away from me. I'm status of getting help because I know with how severe everything is, they will hospitalize me again, and I just came afford thaat. I would lose my job, nd withh that, my car and house.every penny i have now goes to support her. I will literally lose everything if I get help, but I also feel I will lose everything if I don't.
     
  8. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I know you feel you will lose everything if you get help, but what will you lose if you don't. Possibly something you will never get back. I don't know if you would be hospitalised or not as I don't know how your evaluations went last year but it's not a certainty. I have some horrific times and my doc hasn't hospitalised me and I'm madder than a box of frogs. Is there another doc you can go to, someone who can see the bigger picture and not hospitalise you? BTW do you think that you need to be hospitalised ? You dont have to answer that if you dont want to.
     
  9. Itiswhatitis

    Itiswhatitis Active Member

    No, I do not want to be hospitalized again....butdo I logically think that I need it? Yes, unfortunately. I have a history of bad reactions to meds, and some just plain dont work. Plus ive been experiencing things that I never had in the past. I realize what I could be losing if I don't get help.... but the majority of the time, i just plain dont give a damn.

    How are you doing?
     
  10. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    Well, i flushed me meds a few weeks ago and things went wrong in spectacular fashion. A summary: waking up shouting and kicking 5 times a night, got a tattoo, lots of self-harming, 3 day lost weekend constantly drinking not sleeping and only eating things made by Kinder,nearly admitted my self to hospital, got arrested by the department of violence to women (made up charge made by an ex based on a harmless drunken text), got repeatedly punched in the head outside the court by her pikey boyfriend and had my car vandalisd. It was quite a week.

    Im a bit worried about you though. Not giving a damn is a symptom of your depression, I'm sure you know that. In fact I'm sure you know a lot of the advice I would give you. It's easy for me to give to advice but it's you who has to make the tough choice whether to do it or not. When I binned my meds I experienced things I never felt before and I realised what my meds had being keeping under control. If I'm understanding you right it's being hospitalised that you're scared of and all the repercussions that will follow. I still think if you find the right doc, and let's be honest there are a lot of crap ones out there who mis-diagnose, you might be able to avoid it. I was certain last week that if i wasnt hospitalised immediately I'd be dead. But I'm still here and with my meds tweaked again I have taken a small step away from the abyss.

    If it's possible try and see another doc, I know that might be easier said than done, but you need the right help from the right people. Take care, be safe and keep posting here.
     
  11. Itiswhatitis

    Itiswhatitis Active Member

    Wow, my friend, you've had quite the excitement.

    The three times I've been hospitalized were traumatic for me, to say the least. I've no interest in experiencing that again. I can relate to you with the heavy drinking, self harm, nightmares. I don't know...I honestly don't give a damn. I find that the phrase "who cares? What's the worst that can happen to me, I die?" When I'm doing certain things. I'm careless in alot of areas in my life lately, where I never would have been before. The amounts I drink, when I'm driving, I'm reckless (at my own risk, not to others), and when I have been drinking, I'm very reckless in my behavior and activities. I just don't give a shit. I'm doing things that I would NEVER have done before, knowing the consequences what could happen, and caring less, hoping it does happen. I want to drive my truck into a tree, just to see what would happen, I fantasize about the feeling of rope around my throat, not necessarily to die, but to feel that feeling of having no oxygen. The thoughts ate obsessive and constant.
     
  12. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    But,deep down do you think that its your body chemistry fucking with you? (Sorry about the swearing, but I'm Irish.) Because if you're bi polar that is exactly what it is. Chemical imbalances can be sorted out.
    I really get the reckless thing, weekends are like 'Operation Self-Destruct'. When that guy was punching me in the mellon i didnt hit back or even raise a hand to defend myself. I thought to myself that i probably deserved it, not for the court thing, but there must be something that i needed a slap for. He is a Gitano, which is a Spanish gypsy, and they have a bit of a rep for causing trouble so I was thinking to myself 'I hope this dick head has a knife so he can do me a fucking favour'. Fast forward one week and im here talking to you, letting you know that im ok today and that you can be as well.

    Sorry if that sounds a bit preachy.
     
  13. Itiswhatitis

    Itiswhatitis Active Member

    Yes, I'm sure that its the bi polar that's causing it. Which is the part "I know I need to get help" I'm just to scared to. This weekend....already makes me nervous. Its a holiday weekend here, long weekend, my daughter is at her dads....I'm actually having a some what normal day today so far...but we shall see.

    Do you mind my asking how long you've been experiencing this kind of life?
     
  14. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    I was diagnosed beginning of last year but in reality about 25 years.
    I had a scheduled visit to my pdoc today,(3 weeks late but there you go). A lot of the things you say sound so familiar to me that I think we may have a similar problem. So I'll tell you some of what we said because it might apply to you, if you like. Sort of a psych one, get one free deal. Yep that was crap, sorry.
    After I told him about what an awesome couple of weeks I'd had I told him about this site. I said that one of the things that I noticed was that I was beginning to spot familiar symptoms in other people and could almost feel that I know what they had and what they needed to do. I thought I was maybe being a bit vain but he said maybe I could. The main thing was that I was seeing people being treated badly by lazy diagnosis, and a 'hurry up and get out of my office' attitude. That a lot of people here were describing an experience with doctors who really hadnt a clue and were missing enormous warning signs that even I could see. He said that's absolutely correct, a lot of doctors totally dont get it, that it can take 5 different doctors and maybe 20 years before you're diagnosed properly. ( His figures, not mine) And In my case it's true, 5 different doctors and 25 years of 'take these anti depressants and get your shit together.'
    Your experience so far has led to hospitalisation, but sorry for going on about it, that might not be the diagnosis from someone else. Maybe he might say 'Here's some lithium and some lamotrigine. Make sure you take them and you might feel different.' Who knows, I'm not a doctor, just a bipolar wise ass.

    Just to add, i think weekends blow. I hate work because i have to try and not shake,or be paranoid and act normally. But the weekend is a huge expanse which i fill with drunkeness, curry, or complete solitude. Or all three.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 29, 2013
  15. Itiswhatitis

    Itiswhatitis Active Member

    How did your appointment go?
     
  16. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    OK. I sent you a pm about it, dont know if you got it. I'm having problems working computery things this week. One day i forgot the passwords to all 3 of my email accounts, the alarm code to my office and my password and user name for this forum. Its possible i might not have sent the message right.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.