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Not Helping

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Adjunct Soul, Nov 3, 2015.

  1. Adjunct Soul

    Adjunct Soul Member

    I get that my wife is very frustrated with my ups and downs. I know I put a lot on her and she must be exhausted from basically having another child to reassure all of the time. What irritates me beyond belief though is her recent tact of claiming that every time I tell her how much I hurt or what a loser I feel like that it is somehow an attack on her that is "not fair." i have been told that this is my problem to figure out and she has to be a mom and when I am "fixed" she will decide whether she wants to stay together. This is totally feeding a cycle of loneliness, guilt and low self-worth. Have I asked too much of her? I don't know if I can fix this without a support system. I sure can't play the cordial roommates game. I need to talk. She needs a break. Something is going to give. I am starting to think i need to address this problem alone in preparation for a breakup. I know she is a good person, but blaming me for being depressed is not making sense. This has been super cathartic. Thanks.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You do need to talk to a professional one that can be able to hear what you have to say and have the skills to help you.
    Your wife is feeling helpless and she does not know how to heal you. only you can do that.
    so yes reach out to a professional show her you are willing to do what it takes to get help for YOU ok
  3. Adjunct Soul

    Adjunct Soul Member

    I am seeing a therapist this Thursday. I forgot to mention that. What bugs me is that I just don't think she wants to be a part of the process. She said therapy can be my "thing." I guess it just hurts. I can't make her care. It's not that I don't understand. I'm sure I have been difficult to deal with, but it can still feel crappy. Kind of why I joined here, to take the burden of me unloading all my issues from her. I just don't think anyone who hasn't been there can understand how desperate and hopeless this can feel. But to be indifferent. I don't know
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. I'm sorry things feel so rough right now. It is hard for someone else to understand "depression" if they haven't experienced it. And because depressed people often "isolate" themselves, they sometimes have only one person (spouse/significant other) talk to...and sometimes that one person can begin to feel overwhelmed, too. That's one reason why it's really good that you're going to see a therapist. You will get support from someone who is trained to provide it.

    I think this issue with your wife - what sort of support you need, want, expect and can fairly ask of her - is something you could raise with the therapist early on...how your depression is affecting the relationship, what to expect from your wife/what's "fair" to expect from her, and perhaps how to get her involved at a level that is comfortable for both you and her.

    I think it is reasonable to want "support" from a loved one - but maybe the amount and kind of support needs to be defined a bit. From experience, I know that sometimes a depressed person's moods can be so up and down that loved ones feel at their wits' end, too. I somehow don't think your wife is actually "indifferent," though it must feel that way to you. Chances are that she feels very concerned and upset and doesn't know what to do or say to make you feel better. That can be very hard for a loved one. It can make our support feel that they are "failing us" even if we don't say anything of the sort to them.

    Maybe down the road a bit, your wife could come with you to a session with your therapist. Perhaps when you've got a treatment plan in place...The therapist could explain your depression/issues and the treatment. And maybe explain to both you and your wife how depression can affect everyone in the home...and then help you both to find ways to decrease any negative impact.

    The good thing, really good thing, is that your is supportive enough to want you to get treatment. It's likely that she feels a bit lost and helpless to do more herself, and not that she is indifferent.

    And it's good that you've come here to off load some of your worries to us and not her. That's very insightful and caring of you. :)

    Please take care of yourself. *hug*
  5. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    That sounds like you are taking the right steps, yes it does hurt I have done it several times, I do think that she is indeed lost, she like most people do not know how to handle a loved one with a mental illness, they misunderstand they are scared & worried, she feels alone as much as you do, how does anyone prepare for this? it is not a dinner discussion, for sure try to get someone that can talk to her, with her permission of course, someone that can help her understand, this is treatable, this is not an all or nothing scenario, some people take longer some people take less time it depends on your diagnosis and how serious your situation is! life is not over, I am glad that you are being proactive now, you certainly have taken a few steps in the right Direction, I am here or anyone can help if you have any questions or just want to talk we will support you!, as I said before you are part of our family, I do wish you the best in all of this, We will be here, you can check through the extensive writings an medical knowledge we have in the forum we also have a chat room or game room where you can spend a little while talking with others here, chat with people who know and understand what you are dealing with, there is a wealth of knowledge and experience here all yours for the asking! Thank You for listening or reading, we are here for You!Be kind and gentle to yourself, You are having a rough time of it, Take a Deep Breath try to slow your self down a little,Please!
  6. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    The difficult part about your situation, I think, is that you can't really peak into your wife's mind.
    She's probably struggling as well. And that's not your fault, she's got her own problems in life just like you do.
    And maybe she's feeling a little trapped. And maybe your depression is excruciating and sometimes debilitating.
    But I think that if you try to switch gears, maybe express your sympathy for her situation and console her. Perhaps in her taking care of you, she may feel that no one is being attentive to her deeper feelings.
    But you can only find out what the real issue is when you speak to her about it. And remind her how much you love her with as much sincerity as you can muster. She needs to hear it.
    And maybe your wife isn't a perfect person, but she is your wife. As much as you expect her to fulfill her obligations to you to stick it out for better or for worse, you shouldn't try to shove her away by forcing her to pamper and heal your emotional wounds.
    Like the previous posters said, she's not qualified to do that. I mean, if you were to cut your hand in the garage, and your wife works at a library, would you ask her to disinfect and stitch your hand herself? Or would you be satisfied with her doing what she is qualified to do, that is, to take you to a trained professional, (i.e. doctor) who can help?
    Give her some credit.
    And try to speak kindly about her. She's not perfect, but she deserves your love as much as you deserve to be loved.
    It's okay to say, "You know, it kind of hurts my feelings when you do __________" but never blame her or accuse her. She's not an antagonist, she's human.

    I recently was in your exact same position with a girl I was planning on marrying, and I followed your exact same course, and she left me. Go figure, huh? And I had similar thoughts to yours, very similar. And so, I'm speaking from hindsight.
    It's not too late to fix this situation though. And don't try to sabotage yourself to validate your feelings of worthlessness. You deserve better than that. Your wife will accept the positive changes you make, (if they are sincere).
    3 people like this.
  7. Adjunct Soul

    Adjunct Soul Member

    Very salient points from everyone. I am meeting the therapist tomorrow and will bring many of these ideas up. I do love my wife. If I did not the perceived apathy would not hurt so much. She is exhausted I am sure. Depression, i am discovering, can make the irrational seem so rational and at times I lose myself in fantasies of self-hate. I was stuck in one of those when I posted.
    2 people like this.
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Adjunct Soul. If you feel like it, could you tell us how things went and what the therapist recommended? Sometimes it helps members here to know how others are dealing with situation and what the outcome is.

    I hope that you are feeling at least somewhat better today. *hug*
  9. Adjunct Soul

    Adjunct Soul Member

    Sure. My not be the best time right now because I just found out that a job I was sure I at least had a chance to interview for passed me over completely, but I digress.
    The first visit with the therapist was semi-productive. It was mostly just a "why are you here?" type of informational meeting. She did seem very nice and I am going back next week. It was not judgmental or anything like I thought it might be. I am fairly good at telling people what they want to hear so I am pretty sure I could bs my way through this and appear "normal" if I want to, but I am going to try to be honest and hope for the best. Like I said it was visit #1 so mostly paperwork and interview style discussion. I didn't really bring up much detail about my suicidal thoughts other than I have had them. I really can't afford to be admitted to the hospital right now. Overall, I am cautiously optimistic about the process.
    3 people like this.
  10. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    Sounds to me like it went really well!
    Just continue to be completely honest, and get whatever help you need.
    Your family will really appreciate your situation a lot more if they can see just what you've been needing.
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, Adjunct Soul, thank you for the update! It does sound like it went quite well! First sessions are a lot of paperwork and initial background stuff. I'm sure she will ask more probing or penetrating questions as time goes on. Glad you are not going to BS your way through this. The best way to get through our issues is to be honest about them. How can someone help if they don't know what's going on, right? Good for you for taking that step and going. Seems to have been a good beginning. Best wishes with the sessions to come. :)
    3 people like this.
  12. Adjunct Soul

    Adjunct Soul Member

    Will do my best. I will post progress if it helps anyone. I can't promise rose-colored view though.
    2 people like this.