Not holding on much longer.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Autumn01, Jun 9, 2011.

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  1. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I had the worst Birthday ever yesterday- I was okay yesterday morning until my mom totally pissed me off and then put me in a horrible mood pretty much the whole rest of my day after that yesterday. As if that wasn't bad enough- I had to clean up this huge mess of her's earlier- it was a major kitchen mess but yet it wasn't even in the kitchen- it was in the room off of the kitchen- the big table was a disaster with spices and shit all over it, all over the chair's also and well as the entire floor! I practically used an entire roll of paper towel's to clean up her shit and was down on my hands and knees cleaning it up on the floor. I swear XXXXXXXXX I don't know why I didn't.

    Then my mom comes downstair's later and asks me when I became OCD? WTF? and then also asking me- What is so bad about my life that I don't want to live it? All she does is piss me off- I told her that. I told her she has to piss me off on my Birthday too. I also told her to just leave me the fuck alone because I don't want to talk about it. I also told her she has to no say in keeping me alive nor does anyone else. All she can do is live her own life.

    I don't want to be saved. So I need to just keep my mouth shut.
    I was going to possibly wait til January to end my life but I guess I better do within the next 2 weeks or so.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2011
  2. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi Autumn,

    I'm new here, sorry if I am asking the wrong question: Do you have to live together with your mom for some reason?

    I don't know what else to say. I read some of your other posts and I feel that you do care about the people here on the forum...and you do love your cat...she or he must be a cutie :)

  3. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    Why was your birthday so bad and how old are you if you don't mind me asking? Having a horrible birthday really sucks, I've learned not to expect much myself

    Are you on any meds or seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist?

    Your mom doesn't sound very understanding, getting you to clean up a huge mess or hers. Not like I haven't had my mom clean up my messes many times.

    Why did she say when did you become OCD? Because you were cleaning her mess? If so that's pretty ridiculous

    You deserve a life filled with love and happiness autumn :hug:

    I was listening to the simple plan song save you earlier, you mentioning being saved made me think of that.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Autumn, Do you have another relative you can live with?? Tell your mom you aren't a child anymore and you don't need instructions..I learned with my family not to say anything about my illness..They can tell when I am having a bad day and they leave me alone.. Maybe you need to stress that to your mom.. That when you are haveing a bad day for her to back off..Happy belated birthday!!!
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    First, belated happy birthday..Secondly, can you not respond to her as you know what she is going to say, and that she is going to make you clean up after her in so many ways. Can you just let her go on without taking in her neglect???? Some ppl are just not worth hearing! Belated happy b'day again, J
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    another belated 'Happy Birthday' autumn1...:cheekkiss

    I'm sorry your Mums stressing you out but I hope you don't hurt yourself over it.

    was there anything good about the day or was it all c**p?
  7. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Thanks LoveBeing.
    I have no where else to go.
    My cat is my everything. Not so sure about her being enough of a reason to keep me being alive anymore though. I know she will be okay with my mom.
  8. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Thanks- LightInTheDarkestNight.

    Well, I was alone on my Birthday as I always am. Though that's nothing new as I'm always alone and I don't have any friends. I'm 32 now :( :cry2:
    My mom pissed me off that morning.
    I went and saw a movie by myself and also picked up mexican take out.

    No, not on any meds/not seeing any doctors.

    I think a friend of my mom's told her that she thought I probably have OCD.
    I already know that I have OCD.

    You're to kind. I'm not so sure I deserve to be alive.
  9. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Hi Stranger.
    Thank you.
    I really don't have any otber relatives I could live with.
    I don't talk to/see any of my other relatives- unless their is a family funeral or wedding.
  10. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Sadeyes.
    I guess I can try to ignore her entirely. Most days I want to do that anyway.
  11. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Thanks IV.
    My Birthday was really just all crap.
    I truly get stressed out by my mom everyday.
  12. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    I’m not sure about anything else, but I am sure you deserve to be alive - there is no doubt about it!! Who deserve to be alive is not even decided by humans. We know we deserve to be alive because we are alive. The human mind could interfere life itself though by making us do what we do not really “will” to do…

    It’s great that you can try to ignore your mom entirely.

    Also, treat yourself with something you enjoy doing. Do you like going out to the nature…the nature can be healing… Do you like dogs? It can be enjoyable and healing walking with a dog in the nature… Having a dog as a companion itself can be healing, too, like your cat, if not more…

    I don’t know much about OCD. Maybe you have already done your research. I just found this from a website (

    Four Steps for Conquering Obsessive Thoughts and Compulsive Urges

    Psychiatrist Jeffrey Schwartz, author of Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior, offers the following four steps for dealing with OCD:

    1. RELABEL – Recognize that the intrusive obsessive thoughts and urges are the result of OCD.
    2. REATTRIBUTE – Realize that the intensity and intrusiveness of the thought or urge is caused by OCD; it is probably related to a biochemical imbalance in the brain.
    3. REFOCUS – Work around the OCD thoughts by focusing your attention on something else, at least for a few minutes. Do another behavior.
    4. REVALUE – Do not take the OCD thought at face value. It is not significant in itself.

    There are some other info on the website. I hope you find the help you need to go through difficult times...

    Wish you well! :hug:
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