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Not hurt, just hopeless. Made plans...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NoWayForward, Jul 10, 2010.

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  1. NoWayForward

    NoWayForward Member

    This is a long one, for which I humbly apologize.

    I find myself here as the result of having dug myself into a rut from which there will be no extrication, as I've lost the characteristics which would have allowed me to escape it.

    Four years ago, I was a hotshot assistant manager in fast food, aspiring one day to be a district manager, a salary which could support a respectable lifestyle (house, family, car, dog, whatever). I smoked marijuana, drank frequently, and had sex on tap. Despite my shortcomings in people/drama management skills I was wildly successful at work. I was absurdly happy most of the time, especially around my customers, who recognized me outside of work.

    (This career is actually a mismatch for me; I am a math/tech person, not a people person. I just ended up here due to lack of ambition and 11 years of pot smoking. Notably, no matter how crazy things had gotten when I was younger, I always had a job at which I succeeded. That job was my anchor. I would always have a place to live, food to eat, and a way to get off, as long as I held my job. My use of a job as an anchor becomes a weakness later. I "aimed low" for gf's - this resulted in being with women who were thankful to be with me and would tolerate almost anything.)

    Since then, I've managed to burn all of that. Problems at home, failure to resolve them, a change in partners, this new woman could give me everything I was missing at home. I fell hopelessly in romantic love with her. She was smart, sexy, competent, the polar opposite of my ex. So it was with her I would ascend to the respectable lifestyle I sought.

    But this was not to be. As the drama developed at work (my former gf's sister worked for me), the weaknesses in my character undermined me. I lost that job, and with it, my anchor in that time of change.

    Found a new job, my boss hired my new gf, more drama. In her eyes, I became not good enough, stupid, incompetent, worthy of replacement. This wouldn't have caused me much distress had I not still been hopelessly drowning in this romantic "love" I felt for her. She exploited that to mistreat me, threatening to leave (for someone specific, such as my boss) any time. During this time, I lost contact with all of my friends without exception.

    During this time, I also quit smoking marijuana and greatly reduced the frequency of my drinking. This allows me to feel hopeless in exquisite detail- yay!

    This (and other things) continued for a couple years. My spring of exuberance ran dry and my work suffered. I lost that job (gf drama), the economy crashed, and now I find myself a team member in another fast food restaurant. From 30k/yr to less than half that. That's not why I'm here, but we're getting closer.

    So I've tried getting another job at my previous level. Although the jobs are available, I don't get hired. The problems which contribute to this are:
    My incompetence/creepiness at interviews (combine a lack of people skills with eye problems which cause an abnormal sort of nearsightedness and random eye drifting)
    Permanent damage to my history - I can't get good references from my jobs and I have no friends. I'm a fucking TEAM MEMBER, and my current employer does not see fit to promote me.
    Extinguished exuberance - I'm sexier when I'm happy. The excitement and high energy level which carried me so far is gone
    Decreasing mental function - I used to be a math/computer genius, played chess, spoke multiple foreign languages, and was generally a "smart guy". Now, I just feel old. Even by more-or-less objective measure (chess), I don't perform well any more. And I can no longer multitask; I forget frequently. And, it's getting worse.
    Degenerating body - My eye problems (especially the drifting one) are manifesting, I've lost a couple teeth.... I don't present as cleanly as when I was younger. I don't even qualify for most women's criterion that a prospective date have all his teeth! (this is about taking care of oneself and one's affairs - I apparently don't)

    Even if I were to identify my gf (I'm still with her) as the source of my self-disrepect and the ensuing hopelessness, and even if I sever her and start again, that would fail to render any my the nasty beliefs about myself false.

    As it appears, I will be able to do no better than fast food team member now. Even if I went back to school (I'm old), my employment history attests to my undesirable character traits and general unworthiness. Background checks would show the driving and credit histories of a man who doesn't take care of his business. I'm an asshole (and not even an exciting one anymore). And I'm not as sharp as I was.

    I would face the same problems getting a job that I have right now. Hole in resume. Lack of interview skills. POS vehicle (that cost me a second interview last week). General unworthiness.

    If not for other complicating factors, I could look forward to a life of 8/hr, intoxication, video games, and masturbation for the rest of my days. But I have a son. I have custody, and although his mother has refused (illegally) to return him, that will be resolved by September.

    I MUST chart a path by which I can one day hope to support a family. 8/hr won't do it, and I believe I can never do better, as I have settled for this position long enough (1 year) for it to be a serious problem.

    Because I believe that I can do no better, and because I believe this is due to irreversible problems with ME, I feel it's better I step out of the way. Let the gf go - her standard is the 30k/yr I made when I met her, or at least the idea that I could provide for a family. After the apt lease is up, if I haven't found a better job, she's gone anyway. Let my son go - he's better off with his mother if Team Member is the best I can do. And then, let myself go. Spend down 3k or so having all sorts of fun (if I'm still capable of feeling it), build my exit apparatus, and check out.

    They say I'll go to hell with the murderers, not for what I would do to myself, but for how it would affect the people who care about me. On evaluation, I can demonstrate that I will not be missed. The gf will move on (as she frequently and eloquently points out) to better. My son hasn't seen me in a year. My job is a high volume store and, as a former manager, I can calculate exactly how they won't miss me. Noone will be harmed.

    It's not painful to contemplate, I'm just loathe to making irreversible decisions. Often, I hold off until the deadline. (Procrastination = laziness, and I've always been lazy. Hard worker, but lazy in the big picture...)

    I can see no way forward. And the status quo won't do. Even if I were given chemicals to make me feel better, they can't change the *reasons*. I wouldn't check out because I'm sad or hurt; I would check out because I'm hopeless. But at least I won't fail as many others do.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Most people cannot go forward at this point in time. This means learning to enjoy life for what it is rather than what we get. That is a hard transition. It's a crucial one for you to make. If for no other reason than to set that example for your son. Consider working it through as an act of parenting. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, but it is the most rewarding.

    Even though you haven't seen your son in a year, and it would be a little awkward when you do see him, the love in his heart is waiting to reconnect with you. Write your son an encouraging letter. Tell him the world going through a historic change and that it's citizens are going to rise to the challenge. Then rise to it.

    You may not want to do this, but it's a focus and it will pass the time while you are waiting to feel better.

    I know I've shot my mouth off here, but I've been living depression for over 50 years now and all the bad stuff I've experienced has taught me where I don't want to go and I steer clear of it by choosing to do something good for my life every day.

  3. NoWayForward

    NoWayForward Member

    My son isn't the problem... The problem is that I cannot provide for a family! I almost need to seek government assistance for myself because I'm so worthless that I can't hope to one day be better than a 40yo minumum wage food service has-been....
  4. Ants

    Ants Well-Known Member

    The man is a success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had.

    Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson
  5. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    I hear that.

    I used to be an assistant gourmet chef in fine dining. Over the last year (off and on) I tried to apply to different places. I've forgotten how much resumes I've sent out there. The only offers I've received were ones for just line cooks that paid not much more than you are making. Right now, I'm in fast good/deli service and I'm not liking where I'm at. I feel stuck, and all signs point to that. If I get fired I'll have to move in with my parents and end up with nothing, in my 30s no less.

    I used to be good at what I did. I loved it at the time. I've tried networking with former employees with little luck. I know a few of them that are making out alright and feel I should be grateful to just have a job. I don't like where I'm at because there is an air of suspicion everyone.

    It seems you were like a rock star before all this happened---I know the feeling of riding on that high for years. I even was so confident I felt that I could get another good job despite the economy after a lay off. Now my security in that is shattered.

    To be honest, you do have a chance still because fast food isn't going away and the jobs for them are more plentiful than fine dining. I applied to a few jobs like that and I think my gourmet background was actually a strike against me---perhaps they felt I wouldn't like "downgrading" because of what I did before.
  6. ride26

    ride26 Member

    My uncle went back to school in his mid 40's and got his masters in civil engineering. He started from scratch after a nasty divorce and lived with his mom (my grandma) while he went to school. The worst part about it is he was looked down upon by my family and other siblings while he was doing this, he had no support from anyone except his mom. Nobody thought he would succeed. But then one day he graduated, got a job in a new career, and moved away to build a great new life for himself. By that time he was over 50yrs old.

    He is a great example of how you can turn your life around through hard work at any age. So please don't give up, you can get a new career if you work hard enough at it. You're only in your 30's, that is still young. You have plenty of time to improve your life if your willing to put in the effort to change.
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Everything can be fixed, and all your problems can work themselves out. You just need guidance, positive influences, and goals. A new out look on yourself will help a bunch too, but seeing you endure a lot of mental abuse I can understand the low image that you hold for yourself. I will have to type you later it is late. But please know there is hope! Blessings..
  8. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im very sorry to hear about your problems. I just said a prayer for you and hope you do too. Your problems are serious,but NOT hopeless. I think they can all be turned around.We just need a new plan and some ideas.

    This career is actually a mismatch for me; I am a math/tech person, not a people person. Maybe you have to go back to school and get a new career. Get out some loans for school and to live on and go back to school. Have you taken an aptitude test? They help too.

    I just ended up here due to lack of ambition and 11 years of pot smoking. Maybe you have to find out why there was lack of ambition and change it. Then you can get back on your feet again. You sound like an intelligent ,competant person. You could do whatever you want.

    Since then, I've managed to burn all of that. maybe you need to go down a new path. A better one that will make you more happy. You may meed to start again and find a more fulfilling path for yourself.

    During this time, I also quit smoking marijuana and greatly reduced the frequency of my drinking. Congratulations that shows how strong you are.

    Maybe you have to put a girlfriend on hold for a while. Seems like some of the past ones hurt you. You may have to focus on getting a new life first then go back to that part of your life. A new career and your son seem like the two things you have to focus on now.

    I would check out because I'm hopeless. But at least I won't fail as many others do. You aren't hopeless.That is very obvious by your post. You seem very smart and can be a hard worker. You really can be anything you want. PLEASE DONT GIVE UP. I PRAY YOU STAY WITH US PLEASE Now is the time to give it your best shot and get a new life. YOU can do it. We are here for you and will offer love and hope and help. Lets start today and begin a new plan to get you to a new life!!!! I send my love and hope to you!!!!

    write me,
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