people are so arrogant for thinking they are worth all the pain. they expect you to put your feelings aside for them. they don't understand what it's like when you've come to the point that you've really lost all faith in everything and want to die. and they get angry at you for it and they get angry at the things you do when you try to fight that feeling for them. self harm actually manages to make me feel better at times. and they hate me for self harming and expect to be able to do something that means just as much as it for me. i don't want to keep fighting. i don't want to try and get better. i just don't want to live. but no one can accept that and thinks they can help. but they can't. still, i put up a smile and pretend i'm fine every day. inside, i'm either always thinking of death or i'm pushing it away. i'm glad when i manage to not show my feelings and to not ruin everybody's day. but that isn't living. i of course still have to go shopping, prepare meals, eat, interact with people, go to school, get good grades and do what normal people do without a single thought and of course i'm expected to be like i was a child, a happy, kind, helpful and calm person. i'm so tired of having to 'live' that way. i don't want to hide how i am anymore. but in the end nothing matters. even if i feel like this, life goes on, i have to keep living, i have to wake up the next day and still do all of those things. even when i break down and even if someone finds out. it all just keeps going on. nothing changes. i've tried tons of stuff to help myself. nothing helped. i just want the world to leave me alone. i dead seriously don't want to live.