not like it matters

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by scarlettdrknss, Apr 14, 2013.

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  1. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    people are so arrogant for thinking they are worth all the pain. they expect you to put your feelings aside for them. they don't understand what it's like when you've come to the point that you've really lost all faith in everything and want to die. and they get angry at you for it and they get angry at the things you do when you try to fight that feeling for them. self harm actually manages to make me feel better at times. and they hate me for self harming and expect to be able to do something that means just as much as it for me.
    i don't want to keep fighting. i don't want to try and get better. i just don't want to live.
    but no one can accept that and thinks they can help. but they can't.
    still, i put up a smile and pretend i'm fine every day. inside, i'm either always thinking of death or i'm pushing it away. i'm glad when i manage to not show my feelings and to not ruin everybody's day. but that isn't living. i of course still have to go shopping, prepare meals, eat, interact with people, go to school, get good grades and do what normal people do without a single thought and of course i'm expected to be like i was a child, a happy, kind, helpful and calm person.
    i'm so tired of having to 'live' that way. i don't want to hide how i am anymore.
    but in the end nothing matters. even if i feel like this, life goes on, i have to keep living, i have to wake up the next day and still do all of those things. even when i break down and even if someone finds out. it all just keeps going on. nothing changes. i've tried tons of stuff to help myself. nothing helped.
    i just want the world to leave me alone. i dead seriously don't want to live.
  2. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Can you tell someone how your feeling and see if there's some help out for you.
  3. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i've had therapy for two years, i'm getting a new therpist soon and new medication because the last ones didn't work, i ended up in suicide watch
  4. InMyMind

    InMyMind Member

    I'm in the same situation. Well a very similar one at least. I don't know what to tell you beside maybe stop caring about what everybody thinks and stop pretending to be happy. Don't smile if you don't want to, don't interact as much with people, do all your homework or whatever you force yourself to do. Scream if you want to, sleep all day, cry, etc I think it would help you want to die less because acting like everything is fine take a lot of energy and the more tired you get of life the more you want to die. Well, at least that's what I think. I myself I'm starting to stop pretending to be happy It's hard because I feel guilty not smiling or doing all I have to do, but I know I feel a little bit less suicidal.
  5. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i'm so used to pretending that i can't imagine jut letting my feelings show. it makes me feel vulnerable and stupid. i don't want to share my feelings with other people... in a way. and when i do show my feelings people just keep pestering me. they won't let me be. they just make me feel worse but don't leave me alone until i pretend i'm doing better even though i want nothing but to be alone.
    and either way, i don't think that that would make life more worth living...
  6. Percarus

    Percarus Account Closed

    I admire your self dignity... I too hate other people knowing about my troubles and woes - I need my privacy and dignity intact. In times of severe loneliness and boredom I could not even focus watching TV. What I did was instead pace up and down, or maybe in circles, around the house or my room and simply use this time to analyze every passing day's events and mayhap plan strategy goals to complete very soon. Actually, by pacing and being self-reflective in regards to every matter conflicting my life gave me a better awareness as to whom I really am and what bad habits I should stop - it happened instinctively. A good thing to condition your mind to be like is to never feel envy towards others and always maintain your cool. If one person goes agro at you, and starts screaming, offending, or abusing just remain calm in composure and take a good look at them at how juvenile and baby like they are. In this situation you realise time and time again you are the better person and that is a wonderful feeling, trust me.
  7. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    tv, movies and music can usually help me because i can forget this world and concentrate on the one i'm watching/hearing. in my worst moments, i don't want to think about myself and life though. i just don't want to be aware of it at all. i kind of feel like a better person than others already, sometimes, like if i think logically. but that doesn't make me feel better... because even if i am a better person, it's not helping me to be happy. i mean, i rarely yell at people and offend them. there was a time where i argued with anyone near me and drove them away. but when i realized that wasn't helping me, i tried other ways and even though i'm really not doing better at all, i've stayed with pretending to be happy and trying to do everything everyone else does. i've also never lost my temper before. until like december or so, i have never lost control of my feelings in any way. since then, i have had a few break downs. and i do some time feel like everyone is as you say 'juvenile and baby like' but then i start to wonder why i have to live amongst them, why i have to be the one that has to carry the burden of being the 'wiser' one. i might be a better person, but they're all happier and doing better in life than me.
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