not living.... just existing

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by justgivealittle, Apr 20, 2012.

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  1. Hey guys! I'm Martina and I'm 25 years old from Nebraska. I had my first suicide attempt when I was 19 and I have tried over 20 times to commit suicide since then. Right now things are SO stressful for me, as well as my fiance' that we made a pact to leave this world next week. He struggles with schizoaffective and PTSD disorders and I struggle with bipolar 1 disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD(from multiple rapes) and an eating disorder(mostly anorexia) I just got out of the hospital 2 weeks ago and my community support worker knows whats going on as well as people at the day program I go to so when I come in Monday, I have a feeling I will be put back in the hospital which is not what I want. Monday also happens to be an anniversary of when I was raped a year ago and I'm having severe suicidal feelings. I want to leave... I want to die... my fiance' does too. We want to exit the world. I hear people say its a "permanent solution to a temporary problem." and I think its a permanant solution to problems that can't be fixed anymore. I'm stressed, unmedicated(which the meds weren't working anyways) and I'd rather die than be here one more day or be around on this anniversary day because the PTSD has been kicking my butt. I'm always scared to sleep because of multiple nightmares. I don't know how all this happened. I used to be a good student in school, I did music and social work in college then switched to just social work and did criminal justice as my minor and BOOM all these problems started and its just getting worse and too hard to bear. I just don't want to be around anymore. Anyway I wanted to introduce myself and say hi.... thanks for reading!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hope both of you get the support you need to get well to heal welcome to SF
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    justgive i will never advocate suicide for anyone.. that is just me.. have suffered severely myself during my 65 yrs.. but... things did get better for even me and that means it can happen for anyone.. you and fianceee take care,
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hi Martina, it sounds like you and your fiance have been through too much...but I hope that you don't give up. Please keep us updated on things and hopefully we can be able to help.
  5. Thanks you guys! Witty.... things have been absolutely messy. We found out yesterday that Adam's moms cancer is back and is incurable. He doesn't want to stick around to see her die.... he wants to die himself. Today is the year anniversary of one of my rapes and I would rather die than be around any longer at all.... I have a meeting with my community support worker so we will see.
  6. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    justgivealittle a hug to you now.. financee also.. please be as truthful as you can with your support worker.. take care, Jim
  7. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    Sorry to hear things are so stressful for you… it's good that you're getting help.
    Also, welcome to the forums!
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Just give - sorry to hear about all these troubles, and that life has been so unfair in the things it has thrown to you both. This forum does its best to give support - and writing it out can share the pain of it which helps to lessen it and slowly our perspective can begin to change, if we will give it a little time.

    For the painful Anniversary - we all hope you get through it with some hope still left in your heart that things can get better and won't always be the same as they are now, because time does have a healing property to it.

    Love and blessings to both of you
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