Well as you can see i am still going i wish i can say i was feeling strong but i can not. This will be the first christmas with out my wife for 10 years and what little strength i had i fill is slipping away. Just knowing she be with her girlfriend is now starting to eat at me and now i am starting to run out off reasons to keep going. i dont think i get past this year the simple truth is if i start drinking i end up dead. the only reason i am still hear is that i have left the drink alone but i know what pain is coming will hurt too much. i do not know what to do right now i do and dont want to die but in the next few weeks i start to fill more down. i am sure a few of you have been where i am going what did you do to get past it? the a.d.'s or not working to well and the sleeping pills make me feel ill. so for once i am asking for help so please help. i can not go back to the doctor as i get locked up in some hospital and i can not tell my family for the same reason.