Not made a thread in a while (Possibly Triggering)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by anonymous51, Oct 17, 2013.

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  1. anonymous51

    anonymous51 Staff Alumni

    I try to maintain the illusion that there is some hope for me, that i will achieve something in the end, but it's rather difficult when looking at my life so far, and the impression i have left on other people.

    There is usually some skill that an individual may have, that they can provide for others, i guess that's the point in living together in communities. It doesn't necessarily have to be academic, or career based, just being able to make others happy, being there and being able to provide support is enough.

    I don't have any of these qualities, i try really hard to find one thing i am, or ever was good at, and there isn't anything, only mediocrity and disappointment.

    It's a great thing that people can get together and appreciate the good things in life, forget about their problems, it is cruel of me to interfere with that, it is not right for me to intrude into social circles and creating an awkward enviroment. It's best for everyone if they don't think about me, to concentrate on more productive aspects of society, so it's right for me to be alone. The problem is that it's not natural for a human being to be totally isolated, so naturally that individual is going to feel distressed.

    I know that it is wrong to advocate suicide, because ultimately the person saying so has no understanding of the problems of others, but at the same time, it can go the other way too. There are no extremes to my life, no horrible disabilities, or high status in society, and yet i struggle to find anything that i am capable of succeeding in. I have never wronged anyone to an extreme extent, but I have never done anything that was worthy of love or admiration either.

    It's difficult to describe, but i scramble around in my thoughts to rationalise things, but there isn't anything there. I have to stress there isn't a damned thing, I totally messed up in school, I've never left an impression on anyone i've met in life, all of the people I used to know are achieving things, regardless of their academic qualities. I am nothing more than walking flesh, a shell that can be easily replaced. All evidence points to me being a damaging waste of space. The only people who don't constantly try to find excuses to leave my company are my mental health team, because they have taken an oath to help, and it's the point of their career. Noone else should have to suffer that, it isn't of any benefit to them, which again leaves me stuck, again leads me to contemplate things.

    I say to people who read this that it would be wrong for this thread to influence you, never allow others to think for you, because the chances are high that you have some qualities that are valuable to others. I have been searching within myself for a long time and can only come to the conclusion that I am miserable material that has no place in the world, other than to provide decaying matter for other organisms to live off.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling so low hun b ut you do not see how valuable you are here . You have given many people support and understanding you do have purpose hun You are someone very kind and caring you are not a shell hun
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I would have to say that you also have some good qualities - only you may not agree with them.

    You often keep a flow in the chat going - and are friendly enough to mere typing strangers (we've had plenty of laughs as well as the serious convo's going through in the time that I've chatted with you).

    You get along well with people in the online capacity - how does that fare with reality? Is there enough people around you with whom you can discuss the more personal level distresses you feel other than your mental health team?

    You also earn a lot of respect for your knowledge and ability to assist a lot of people with a kind and warm heart.

    I'm fairly sure that those qualities are often forgotten about during times of self-effacing. And they are ones that you could take from online to offline - dependent on how you feel you could integrate it into your offline livelihood.
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Yes.. you have and do give support here and that is extremely valuable. We all are and I'd be the first to argue against that point!! But I can accept that point logically most times. Dealing with whatever ails us makes it difficult to see ourselves and our lives clearly. So, respectfully, I disagree that you have no place in the world.

    What would you say to me if I were to say what you stated?

    Please take care. :hug:
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I realize I don't know you well; you frequent chat, and I stay on the forums. But I know of you and am aware, through what others tell me, that you do plenty of good in the chat room. You're someone who matters here, who makes a difference. And I know there's a difference between interacting online, and how things may be going in your personal life. But because this site deals with issues that can mean life or death, it really DOES affect people's personal lives. You're a caring person who's good at helping people.
  6. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    hello 51. i am new here, in fact this is only my second posting, but your words shouted out to me. you are not alone in your feelings...they could have been written by me on any given day. i too look at others with envy at their contribution, their VALUE to others, to the world. everyone else seems to matter so much, and me...not at all. or it's as you say, we are only a damaging influence. my ex told me that simply being in a relationship with me wit was putting him at risk for having a heart attack due to the stress...and believe it or not his medical doctor actually sat down with me and said the very same thing! now that doesn't happen everyday, a doctor telling you that you are basically a disease to other people. it would almost be funny if it were happening in a movie or tv show, but it was real life.

    anyway, you have made a difference with your posting by letting me know that i am not alone. but much more than that, even as a total stranger, just by the way you express yourself with this post and your logic/not emotion-based type thinking, i know that you are a valuable person. if we could see you in real life, i am sure there are many small things we could all point out which would show you your value. you are just too close to the source, and too biased, to see. but at least know this, your voice is heard and appreciated.
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