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Not Me But My Child----help

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B

Bette

#1
Hello everyone, I have been posting for a few days, and Jenny was kind enough to send me over here as I am OLD. LOL Nah, just so joking. Because I am having an awful time with my teenager. Or shall I say was?

Sparing the entire novella of my family I'll just bring in the last part. Highly intelligent girl. I know many parents say that, but I am not educated, and certainly have never, ever bragged about my child. I have my mom for that.
She's in her last year of high school.

In her entire life she was never social. As in I didn't allow her to run the streets. She went to dance lessons, and theater camps. I always had her involved in some activities, and if she did not enjoy them we'd move to something else. So, she was always in the company of kids with the same interests.

CONDESCENDING!!!!!!!!! I'm not so sure a second grader can be condescending, but that started a long path in school where she was virtually isolated from the other kids. They'd be in a group talking about a little Disney film, and my daughter would then say "Well, the original Little mermaid was written by-----, and the Disney version is a butcher job as in..."
She is condescending to me. A few weeks ago she did a paper for school, and said "Mom, can you read this over?" Then she says "Never mind you don't even know who -----was".

Part time job comes along, and now she's meeting new people. She did have a longterm boyfriend who had moved States away. They had plans of going to the sam University, but the kid lived waaaaaay far away. I would against my own judgement take her on the train States away to see this boy. We'd saty at a hotel, and he had awesome parents. They in turn would take them places, and blah, blah. Then came prom boy and all heck broke loose. She was in that whirlwind we all probably knew at one time. She did have sex with him. She feels comfortable enough to share with me these things, and is mature in some ways as in safety, and precautions, but she is not street smart at all. I listened. I gave advice.

Prom boy "dumps" her as my mom puts it. We all probably had that too, and it hurts. Well, she was like Glenn Close on this kid like a fatal attraction. Her saddness turned to anger. She started doing out of charachter things.

EXAMPLE: She WARNED me she had a date. I thought RED FLAG!!!!!!! You are warning me? Well, the night comes when date is supossed to pick her up. It went on and on. He was trying to GET A CAR. Ummm, I live in Philly. Translated that very well can mean somebody is stealing one. Still I trusted her judgement. She looked so beautiful sitting on the steps waiting as this guy called 100 times he's looking for a car. I called my ex husband to come over so he could be of assistance or at least this kid would see a male figure here.

Up my street pulls a brand sanking new I think VIPER. Cherry red. Music BLARING, and it's a convertible. FIVE GUYS. FIVE guys are in the car. They pull around and my daughter says "Oh this is him I'll see you". I knew then something was wrong. The supposed date finally jumped out and came over. I told him get rid of the friends or leave.

O.K. so now my daughter is fuming at me, and my ex LEAVES. The date comes back up the step WITH another guy. I am no prize. I am lower middle class. I never judge people by their appearance, and in fact i was not so good a person at one time myself so I KNOW. I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The big dude comes with the date had been the driver of the car. Which I got the plate number and find out it was stolen. Big guy starts laying on the BS to me as he is a dad, and shows me a picture of a kid. Like why ain't you with your little girl now, dude? Here he was over age, and used the other guy to get my daughter.

Bottom line I said "Only to-----, and you have to walk". It's a littl pizza place we know the owners. Here, these guys. She gave them her number when she was at work. STRANGERS. I found that out later. So, I call her call like a half hour later saying I know she was not in------. She was way down in a bad neighborhood because one of the guys forgot their money.

My ex said let her go. My friend came promptly, and we went to pick her up. We couldn not believe it. She's sitting with eight guys on a step in a drug infested hood where bulletts fly daily.

I use that ONE event to show where her judgement is. She is missing prom boy. I would lay in her room at night while she cried herself to sleep. Find ciggies under her wastecan. Then it's SUICIDE. She knows no other way out. She's going to kill herself. I took her to therapy. The therapist moves. I get her another one and she doesn't like him. We spend four hours at a teaching hospital with a good psych department. Neither of us even would go in there again. So, once again she is now losing her mind.

I got a call from her one girlfriend's mom. Did I know my daughter was suicidal with a plan? My dearest childhood friend and I had these kids together. They were best friends since toddler's now here's number two. She won't speak to her until she gets help. She does not want to feel responsible if she did do something to herself. SUICIDE!!!!!!! Writing to Sylvia Plath it won't be long now in her copy books.

Well, I asked her dad to please stop over and we would discuss this. YES I did also read her diary. YES I know everyone hates that and it's a breech on her privacy. Yes, I would hate it if my mom did that to me, but ya know what? I have people telling me this stuff, and her acting way out of charachter, and seeing signs of self-destruction. What? What's a mom going to do? If I was wrong well I do not care becuse there it was in black and white.

Her dad comes over and says give him the book. It turns into a fiasco with her saying she wants to move. Her father decides to shove my 69 year old mom. We have cop cars all over the place, and my mom has a heart attack.

My daughter for 11 days now has moved over with her dad and his parents.
No phone calls, no nothing. She at least called my mom in the hospital and said she didn't know the ambulance was for her. The best is through this entire thing she is saying "WHERE IS MY Ipod? I WANT MY Ipod." The cop told her get a trashbag and get her clothes and leave. I mean even the cop shook his head that her grandmom was carried out with a heart atack and she wants her Ipod. My mom is now home on SEVEN new medications. Her BP was 301/190 at the hospital.

Seventeen years. This child for seventeen years never even visited with her father's family. The never bothered even to send her a card, and now she is living there. My poor mom wo helped me pay all the private school tuition now says "All that and we won't even see her graduate".

That's not my concern. My concern is if someone writes all about suicide. Talks about it. Loses every single friend they ever had to them having to listen to that am I wrong? I mean should I not have been alarmed?

Now, I have not a clue what she is doing. I am afraid to even talk to her as I know she'll get my mom in the mix. NO STRESS?????????????? Our one mutual friend said as of last night she had another date, and slept with the kid, and he already broke up with her. I mean this is a problem. She says i am the problem. ME. In all honesty me punishing her by taking the cell phone is why she really was angry. Bottom line.

Any thoughts? Help? Insight? I would be grateful and appreciative. If you think it is my fault I will eat it as maybe it is, but never, ever did I treat my mom or grandmom or uncles the way she has. Plus I know if this was reversed I would say "Look you may be angry, but that's your mom, and gram who have done everything for and with you. You probably should go home".
*****As our mutual friend said. She KNOWS she could have sayed here. LIVED HERE. BUT she knows I ain't stupid and would have rules."**** That was a good point. I called her school for the counselor. never heard vack from them. I have to help my mom right now. What to do?
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
Bette , stop blaming yourself. It's the difficult years (my son has never left em).

She's really pushing the boundaries with you, this would indicate that your the person she trusts the most. We only push those we can trust not to reject us.
Yeah she's angry with you..she's a teenager who else she gonna get angry with
Mums and teenage girls...BAD BAD MIX.

I fully agree with what you did over the 5 guys in the car. I WOULD HAVE FREAKED. Yeah she hates you...for now..but wait a couple of years and that will sort itself out.

I think the living with dad is a bit of 'the grass is always greener'. When she starts testing out his limits, see how well they get on when he has to put his foot down.

The suicide bit is worrying, teenagers often use it as a cry for help, mainly I think because they hurt and can't work out why or how to fix it; but sometimes they really mean it. Remember how heightened everything was at that age? Raging hormones, boys breaking your heart, every day was a drama I think from the age of 13 till I hit 18.

I think the only thing you can do here is wait for her to calm down and realise you aren't the enemy. You have your mother to think about and she doesn't need the stress with that blood pressure (dear God that's a scary BP).
Let her know you're there for her, but that you're not going to accept her behaviour and see how it develops.

Bet you anything that sooner or later she'll realise you're the person who really cares about her.
 

theleastofthese

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#3
Dear Bette;

I agree completely with Devastated. You've got enough on your plate worrying about and caring for your mom without snotty daughter wearing you out also. I agree that this is a case of "wait and see", as with the teen years/teenagers themselves, time is the best cure for their ills. Of course you're worried sick about her and her behavior: that's normal behavior for loving caring moms.:smile: As for her living with her dad, that will sort itself out in time also. She will undoubtedly come to a time when dad is no longer the Disneyland Dad and puts his foot down - then she'll have to make the choice between the two of you. And yes, with the passage of time teens DO come to realize the worth of their parents, especially the one(s) who cared enough to put their foot down and set limits.:smile: Give it time, and for heaven's sake - give yourself a break!!:smile: :smile: You cannot be and do everything you'd like to be and do! There is no such thing as a SuperMom - that's a myth.:dry: Be good to yourself and when the chance presents itself, let her know you love her. Have faith in yourself and your abilities.:smile:

much love, from another mother of teenage girls:ohmy:

least
 
B

Bette

#5
Thank you Least and Devastated. You both have raised excellent and very familiar points.

One thing. The grass is greener must still be green becaue that kid hasn't been seen or heard from in weeks.

Last week a counselor at her posh little private school gave me a call. Admittedly I had called there to let them know what is going on. Plus I know she abhors them. That's her word. They are of no use, and should be kicked from the school to help the homeless. Oh, this kid's a condescending thing I tell you. So, her dad did call last week about that screaming into the phone "Why did you call the school?" Ummmmmmmmm, cause we have been pooling money together in my family just to get her that education and that part of it. Like dude, please.

So, a nice woman called me and I am to see them BOTH today. Can't wait, and I can tell you I'd actually not go and blow it off, but I am there to stand my ground and give this counselor the 411. Via the phone she syggested outside counseling. "Hmmmm, I guess she didn't tell you I walked her there every Tuesday evening for a year?" NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That Doctor couldn't tell you what her father looked like. My ex never took her not once. Then I also made sure to tell her we sat for almost five hours or so a few weeks prior at a good teaching hospital with services for teens. I didn't see him there, but I sure as heck sat there with her.

That's not my biggest concern. My mom wound up back in the hospital. I like getting those calls on aholiday. You hear it's a Doctor calling on a holiday you're screwed. Immediately your mom has to be brought in. YAY!!!!!!! She looks like she wants to go. Now this is Thanksgiving. The blood thinner was an 11 or something like that and it's very dangerous. I tell the man she's stiiing right here fine.

Ohhhhhhhhhh, no. She could be bleeding internally and blah, blah. Off I take her and seh's actually been cool about it. I go outside the hospital to call my brother from my cell which was my daughter's. O.K. so I am electronically challenged. I had to call my nephew and ask him how to turn off an Ipod tonight.

I hit ye and then yes again and it started dialing her dad's cell. Now I see there's a list. I hung up when I realized and messed with it until I got my brother. That was maybe 3:00PM.

That night now this kid has not put a CARD in the door for my mom. This lady raised her and this selfish little twit don;t check on my mom?
Anyway, I answer and she asks did I call her dad's cell. Looks liked I did. I told her I hung up right away as I didn't mean to call that number. This teenager asks me then "Why were you calling from MY CELL?" Hate to break it to you, but it's not your anymore, honey.

I told her I was calling her Uncle to come to the hospital as her Mom-mom was in there again. Ohhhhhhhhhh, mom what's the matter. Alot it tell her. "Well tell her I hope she feels better".

When I look at that kids face today I am going to want to scream. I have to go, and yes I have alot of friends with teen daughters or ones that are older who got self-centered, but none that would diss the woman raised them.

Wish me luck. please as i will want to shake her head of her lousy shoulders. Just like that. POOF. You raised me. Went out in the snow for my special snacks. Gave up things for yourself so I could have something, and NO card even? That kid's rotten. She's a louse. I don't like her, but no way is she going to insult me and talk about me and this counselor not know.

Thanks for the vent. No sleep. I'm not up all night worried about her. I'm worrying my mom had to get plasma and Vitamin K and was back in hospital.
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
#6
Oh Bette, kids can drive you NUTS!!! Of course you're angry..bloody hell I'd be at boiling point by now and maybe the little madam needs to know it too.

If you're mum is on an anticoagulant the plasma and vitamin K is to balance the effect of what I take to be Warfarin? Don't worry too much, this is standard practice (I used to be a cardiac nurse), she needs the medicine for the BP but it is a difficult balance as it can cause hemorrhaging.

Let all the anger out at us and let us know how it all goes.
 
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