not much longer now

[Wastingecho]

Losing sleep again - can't get a handle on anything any more

Lay awake and see all my mistakes, fuckups, failures

Can feel my time running out, drowning in self-hatred

Not sure why I'm back here again - it's like I'm an emotional leech, taking but not giving back

Tired of being so completely useless, worthless

Actually managed to not carry my kit for a while but now it's with me again - what's the point of carrying it if I don't use it?

 

[IV2010]

Hi echo..
i've been thinking of you lately and asked Kali how you are yesterday- would you believe!..

I understand the idea of having a 'kit' - sort of like a security blanket?

as long as you don't use it it's ok ..

lack of sleep will 'trigger' for sure

what's been happening for you ?

I know you've helped many people here and it's ok to ask for help yourself

 

[jxdama]

maybe you should return to chat.

 

[Sadeyes]

Was just wondering yesterday how you were...please keep posting and know you are always welcome...big hugs

 

[total eclipse]

Hi hun hide that kit of yours okay so you can forget about it. Come back talk in chat on the forum where you knowyou are cared for hugs to you.:hugtackles::hugtackles:

 

[godsbeloved]

Hi Wastingecho,
I am new, just joined this week. Did something happen to trigger this insomnia? I understand about the compulsive self hate thoughts. They cause me actual physical pain. Is it like that for you too? Two days ago was a close call for me...nearly did it. But today things are not so black and I am starting to have ideas about trying different things to feel better. Does that ever happen to you? I would like to get to know you better.

 

[Wastingecho]

no good in chat - freak out

mgr hasn't yet made a decision on whether or not i should be let go and now it looks like i fucked up on a project and can't find documentation to back my side of things - in an i-said/they-said battle i'm going to lose

this has been slowly eating me alive for months - trying to "prove" that i have some value to the company when i don't even feel that i have any value to myself

not sleeping right, not eating right - haven't shaved in months other than quick trim when i starting eating my own hair - can't stay awake in a chair during the evening, keep nodding off but can't rest through the night - every aspect of my life feels completely wrong - if i had to do things all over again i wouldn't have pulled back from my dorm window in college - i'm ruining everything and everyone i touch - one of the reasons i haven't been around much - didn't want to hurt anyone

started crying again - on the train, in my car, at my desk - i'm losing it, feeling it all collapsing around me - it's all out of control - i only have one thing left that i have control over

and no one should care - not worth the effort

now i have to face my manager and take my beating no matter how much that's gonna hurt

and i don't know that i want to recover

 

[janvan]

I am in the same place.
Dont know why to keep trying.
Dont think I want to get better.
But we are still here.
Computer projects are so horrible when they go wrong - been there too.
I hope you can ride through this crisis.
Seems strange advice coming from me especially when I seem to be in this head space of hopelessness all the time - like you I guess.
But I do think of you and noticed you have been quiet recently and was concerned.
Best wishes sent across the oceans.
May be we will both get through these hard days.

 

[Wastingecho]

been asking god to kill me but it's not working

but god helps those who help themselves, right?

 

[janvan]

I used to believe that God would give us what we could cope with. Therefore, some people had harder lives than others.
We have been given a load which is really difficult.
I have lost some of my faith and cant see any reason for being given a load this heavy.

 

[Wastingecho]

who's to say that my dying is not part of god's plan?

 

[Wastingecho]

got that "disappointed" look - hate that, it's bullshit

disappointed i didn't do a better job - should never have given it to me that way to begin with

can't do this

god i'm such a fucking loser

 

[swimmergirl]

What is stopping you from doing it? There must be something.

 

[jxdama]

who gave you the look?

 

[Wastingecho]

What's stopping me?

I don't know - honestly don't know - inertia maybe

But I'm so tired - in my heart

I should be used to the pain by now - should expect it - but everything breaks

 

[Wastingecho]

Must complete self-appraisal at work today and it scares me - already hate myself know how much of a failure I am - now I have to document it for the world to see

Can't look in the mirror any more - despise what I see there

Better if I am alone, hide from everyone, not be seen

Already friendless, worthless

Stupid

Tried to do new things - asked to write an article for a trade magazine, but it's not working, can't organize my thoughts, writing is shit

Like me

I can't take this - knowing every day that my life is a waste

Need to die so others can use the oxygen I'm taking from them

 

[Moat]

Unable to sleep can be caused by several problems, notably the thoughts than run through your head each day about the past events of the day in which you could or said things differently around people, if I can offer some advice to that that might work, don't stay in ned all night letting those negative thoughts roll through your mind and get up, keep yourself occupied by doing the house work, working on a hobby (if you have one) or take a form of exercise - not to just keep fit and wear you ot, but to keep your mind active so that you don't think about all of the problems you are facing.
I do that all the time when I can't sleep and have things rolling through my mind that keep me awake, and believe me, after 3 hours of non-stop house cleaning, where you focus on cleaning away as much dirt and grime as you can from the kitchen, bathroom, lounge room, when you dust, wash the kitchen and bathroom floors, you'd be surprised at how much time you find yourself focusing on the work at hand, instead of mulling around all night at what problems you are facing.
It's a short-term solution, for sure, but don't put off your problems, but rather tackle them as soon as is possible, or the problems you face will only grow with intensity and leave you feeling much more worse for wear.

Remember, everything can be solved with Bubbles!
:bubbles: :bubbles: :bubbles:

 

[janvan]

Understand completely.
I hope you can find strength from everyone here.
I feel the same as you and each day is a struggle.
Sending you the strength I have left to you.
:aussie:

 

[Wastingecho]

Should save your strength for yourself - it can't help me and I don't want to take it from you

 

[WildCherry]

You aren't worthless. I know that doesn't change how you're feeling right now though. Here if you need anything, or if there's anything I can do to help you through this.