Not much to say.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TheBLA, Feb 22, 2007.

  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Just feel worse than usual, but I never really feel good anyways, just feeling worse than usual. Anyways, I'm just a freaking loser, been on these forums since Aug 2005 and STILL haven't told anyone exactly here or offline to anyone why exactly I am depressed and comtemplating suicide, how pathetic is that? Just come here to mostly read a bit, post useless advice that doesnt help, can't help anyone here, waste time posting little replies in the Coffee Loungue, I am so pathetic!!!!!!!!!!

    I am just a loser compared to everyone, the biggest loser that has ever lived, surrounded by normal people, those better than me. I will never have a normal life, I really think that I will commit suicide in my 20s. I don't know really if I should commit suicide. I just feel screwed. I am very much afraid of death and what comes after it, it would definately hurt my little brother and mother a lot at least but yet this life of mine is so pathetic and wretched as well. I'm just stuck, trapped, screwed. My life is so abnormal and will continue to be that way. I will keep either stagnating or going backward while everyone fucking else keeps moving forwards normally. God damn it.

    I'm also an extremely weak person. I have no idea what I will do when my parents will pass away for instance, I've grown to be so dependent on them, I'm such a mama's boy, I have the mentality of still a child or mentally handicapped person, if they die especially, then I have nothing, I am really like a little baby who absolutely needs his/her parents to survive you know? I haven't lost anyone close to me so far and I know that I won't be able to handle it, I'm just so extremely weak and pathetic.

    I'm in a worse situation than all of you, sorry if I sound like a selfish prick, I'm just a fucking empty loser that should not have lived. Why did it have to be me to be such a loser? Sigh....I dunno what to do, can't tell anyone exactly what makes me depressed because maybe I'm ashamed of how deficient and empty and messed up I am? If any of you guys think your the biggest loser alive, I'm a bigger loser than you, don't you worry about that okay? Thanks for listening anyone. Sigh.........


    EDIT.
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    Also, whats been nagging at me for a bit is about the visit I made to India last June. Last time I visited was back in 1997 so it had been 9 years since my last visit to my relatives. Only thing is that I was so depressed and thinking about suicide that I didnt talk to them, just acted like a zombie, just curled up in a fetal position and thinking about death and whatnot, looked like a total fucking freak in front of them. I hadn't visited my relatives in 9 years and I could have at least talked to them, but no, I had to be the depressed fucking zombie freak loser, must have embarrased my parents as well. And after I came back home and emailed two of my cousins and told him that the reason I was so depressed and quiet is that I was thinking about suicide, now they were shocked at reading that must really look at me as some freak, well I am so whatever I guess. My dad's mom was wondering why I was so quiet and depressed and acting like a loser. My mom's mom died in 2003 so I saw her last in 1997 when I last visited India, probably better she didn't see me as the loser I am now anyways huh?
    I hadn't seen my relatives in 9 years and didn't even talk to them, just kept quiet and softly wept lying on a couch or slumped down somewhere. Everyone there is studying so hard and getting jobs and being normal, successful people, while I'm just the fucking loser and they all wondered why I was so quiet and depressed and sad all the time. My parents must be so ashamed to have such a loser son, while their brother's and sister's children for instance are so happy, sucessful. God damn it. I never should have gone there to India, I didn't want to go, my parents made me, I dunno if I ever want to go back again now. I think all I did was just antagonize myself from them actually. But if I didn't visit them, then they'd think I didn't like them.

    Also, I have cousins up in Canada I have not visited since 1999, and they are asking for me to visit them now this summer, but I don't think I want to as it'll just end up the same way as the India trip, a fucking disaster, as I'll be so depressed and be a loser while they are normal and sucessful and have friends and jobs and blah blah. But if I never visit them again, then they'll think I don't like them or whatever, and I should visit them as a normal person should but I am not fucking normal, I am just a loser and a freak, inferior to everyone on this planet.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 22, 2007
  2. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Hey nkrukato, we've never really met but I've certainly noticed your presence on the forums and I think you're wrong. I think you do help a lot of people here, and that your advice is not useless at all. Besides, sometimes it helps just to know that you've been heard, and not really what you say. And by posting in coffee lounge, you often raise people's spirits, take their minds off everything for a bit, I think you underestimate the amount that you are valued on sf, and I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Which I'm sure is easier said than done. I know how it feels to feel that everyone else is normal and finds everything so easy and is moving on to things that you feel you should be able to do too, but I am certain that you are not alone and you shouldn't have to feel that way. I also don't believe that you are weak, you're still here, you still manage to help people every day whether you believe that or not. You seem a very caring, thoughtful person with a lot to give, it would be such a shame and waste if you took your life. Besides, it would be nice to get to know you better. :smile: :hug: :hug:
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I do not see you as the loser you seem to view yourself as at all. I read your posts. They are full of caring and thought. The posts in the coffee house often give me a reason to smile, something I do not do often. You do have value nkrukato. You need to allow yourself to see it in the same light as those of us at this forum do. Please take care. You are in my thoughts. :hug:
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    you are neither a freak nor a loser, you are someone suffering from depression.
    Have you had any counselling or medication for it?
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Wanted to check on you nk and see if things had improved at all. i hope you are feeling a little better at least. :hug: