Not necessarily suicidal, just can't shake a string of bad luck that follows me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by phd2be, Nov 26, 2011.

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  1. phd2be

    phd2be Member

    I try to be strong. And, in the grand scheme of things, my problems really aren't that bad -- I know, insert line here about how everyone's problems are equally bad to them. But objectively, I know mine aren't. Still...

    My parents' new puppy got hit and killed by a car today. It was an accident; it was so fast he couldn't feel it. He wasn't even a year old. He was the same breed as our old dog, who died less than a year ago (lived until 12).

    I should have been there; maybe I could have stopped it, or at least I could have helped. But I accepted a Thanksgiving invitation this week to some fellow Ph.D students' potluck dinner, rather than going to my parents' and losing time that I could be working on finals papers.

    Needless to say, I'm not working on the papers right now. I wanted to be ahead of the game, and life seems to keep on getting in my way and fucking it up. I'm 30; I turned it this year, and while people say I've accomplished a lot (I have two other graduate degrees), I have nothing to show for it.

    I wanted to be a screenwriter. My screenplays sit in drawers, unproduced. I wanted to see all the continents before 30. I only made it to three. First-world concerns, I know, and it almost seems embarrassing that these are my problems, but they eat at me every day.

    I just can't help but think that I'm doomed to failure. Everything always seems to have some sort of reverse Midas curse -- all this potential, all these possibilities, and they're always ruined.

    ... and these Ph.D students? I'm not close to any of them. I don't feel like I can talk to them and tell them about any of this. I moved away from my parents to attend the Ph.D program in a nearby city (an hour and a half away from them) and to have friends. I don't have anybody close; I'm good at making acquaintances but can't seem to ever make solid enough friends that I can really rely on.

    Again, I'm not suicidal per se, but I just feel like I've wasted what I have been given, and that this whole past year has been deliberately trying to screw me over. I'm tired of constantly getting roadblocks, and the puppy's death is hitting me harder than it probably should (considering I didn't spend half as much time with him as my parents did). I can't help but feel that I should have been there, though, and I can't help but feel that I am somehow cursed (as stupid as that sounds). I wish I hadn't had the opportunities I had -- feeling like I've squandered them, and like I'm on the verge of squandering them again (since God knows these papers will be a wreck and nowhere near my best work), hurts more than never having had them at all.

    I don't know. Thanks for reading. Sorry if this is stupidly naive and self-centered, but that's where I'm at right now.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hey phd2b4, please dont apoligize for being in a lot of pain. It doesn't matter how many opportunities etc someone has, if they are in great pain. I do not for a moment think that the pain, and what keeps you from accomplishing more of your very ambitious life goals, is your fault.

    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your parents puppy. I know, for myself, that I take loss very intensely. This is because my heart longs so for love. It does not have love of myself, or community that nurtures me. And so loss is felt very deeply. I am not saying that your reasons are the same.

    Not to get wierd on you but the Buddha says something like (and I paraphrase): when we can look deeply enough with compassion we will understand the roots of other peoples pain. The same is true for ourselves. It is so easy to judge ourselves for what we do, and do not do. For what we do not accomplish. Etc etc. I am not suggesting that most are able to look this deeply within ourselves without judgement. I clearly am not able to do this.

    I guess what I am saying is that I fully believe there is real pain that you feel. Real pain that I would never judge. Real pain that perhaps you can and will, in time, work to slowly heal. And then you will be free to accomplish more of what you want in life. Although when the pain is lifted, your goals may be different.

    People are not to blame for their pain. They can be responsible though for taking the steps to try to seek the help to address the core of the pain. Thus releasing themselves from what I call "the prison of pain" Eventally you might even discover that true success is a matter of the heart. And not the sum of your accomplishments.
  3. phd2be

    phd2be Member

    Hi Flowers,

    Thanks for reading, and for the kind words. I was uncertain whether to post this in a forum like this, as it's not suicidal thoughts so much as it is just pain and fatigue and sudden loss, and so I appreciate the reply. Since my father asked me not to post about the puppy on Facebook as he doesn't want relatives/coworkers/etc. coming up to him and asking him if he's all right, I didn't have anywhere else to write down my thoughts last night.

    The Buddhist quote is apt -- and I know I'm too self-critical (my parents have told me this approximately 34346324924727424 times already), but I can't help but be that way and always have been. It just feels like my life is this constant one step forward, two steps back, no matter what I do. I don't dislike myself; to the rest of the world, I'm really self-confident, but there's always been this nagging doubt that maybe I'm a fake, a fraud, that I don't deserve what I get. And I feel like, what with this most recent crisis, that I'll mess up my first semester of Ph.D studies as well, through no fault of my own.

    As far as success coming from my heart -- I know what I want. I want to see my screenplays made. I want to have achieved something tangible, not just meaningless degrees. And I have none of those tangible rewards at 30 and am beginning to wonder if I ever will have them. I know this sounds all too much like Ignatius J. Reilly in A Confederacy of Dunces or something, admittedly, and that if I want something I should just get out there and do it -- but I do try, and it never seems to click in the right way.

    Again, thanks for the thoughts and the kind words, and apologies if a suicide forum isn't quite the right place for this thread: Mods, feel free to move it wherever appropriate if you would like.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    As far as I am concerned, it is absulutly fine that you posted here. The owner, mods and admin of this website are exceptionally caring, understanding and kind people.

    I hope that you will continue to post here as long as you feel the need to do so. Not everyone here feels suicidal. Many have felt that way in the past but currently do not. They still post here. Some live with the feeling that there is no way out of the pain.....

    So I do hope that you will continue to be here, posting, receiving suppport for as long as you need/want that. When you are here, you do not have to hide your feelings. And I personally find that people do not judge me for saying how I really feel.
  5. aristotle

    aristotle Member

    Iknow just how you feel. I had. a string of stuff go wrong. peoplee around me think i'm useless which is why this stuff happens. So i don't talk now. i'm looking for thatt one shiny thing to hold too. perhaps you can too. letting go i found to be much harder than i thought. just try one more time.
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