not ok

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Damaged_Goods, Oct 25, 2015.

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  1. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    I usually reach out to my friends and family. nobody, miraculously, is at home, or answering. idc. I am just going to DO it. screw fucking more. why should I live so that i can pay for everyone else? Im tired of paying. f, u,c,k offffffff. I asked for help. nobody was there. I hope that pig feels good about what he has done.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya...if you're in crisis and in danger of hurting yourself, the best thing you could do is call a distress line or paramedics, or even walk into the emergency room at the hospital.

    It sounds like someone has played your last nerve and you're extremely upset. At the height of our emotions, we're not thinking 100% clearly, so if we act on our "feelings," we're not being quite rational. Please, take some deep breaths and maybe go for a long walk or run, but don't hurt yourself. You're worth more than that. If you didn't know deep down that you're worth more, whatever someone has said or done wouldn't hurt so much. It's the disconnect that you KNOW you deserve more and yet someone is not treating you well. (Of course we'll have feelings about that kind of crap. We just don't have to act on the feelings. We only have to feel them. They will settle down.)

    A few good deep breaths and maybe call a distress line?

    Or at least stay online here until you feel calmer. Let the big feelings settle. And then you can talk about all this tomorrow...PM me or post/make a thread, or if you have a trusted friend or perhaps a therapist talk to them.

    Please, stay safe tonight. Let us know tomorrow how things are going.
  3. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Hey, I know that sometimes it can feel tempting to hurt ourselves just to get back at someone, but this anger and pain, intense as they are, are only temporary. Please stay here with us just for tonight in case you feel differnently in the morning ok?
    2 people like this.
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Fragile, Please HOLD ON,I would like to talk to you please don't attempt, you still have a purpose I know that you do, you have
    a goodness inside of you that shines through all of your problems it does more then shine. Please reconsider, some one is always here for you, don't let them win. We just started talking it will be a week ago today (Monday) that you signed on.
    Be Gentle on Yourself!
  5. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    I need to talk. My best friend was a psych nurse, and I can't even talk to her. Tried to talk to my husband and I got accused of crap. I just need to let this out. I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense- I can barely type. It's just my thoughts and feelings spilling out.

    When I was 5 I started being molested by my brother. Nobody did anything about it until I was 11. I told. but nobody listened. sweep it under the rug because this family doesnt have those problems. At 11, they told my parents I needed help. I was told that I was a "(LAST NAME)" and I was tough and I didn't need help. I was 11. the srs said he had to stay somewhere else or they would take me away. my parents lied and he came right back home. He got sent to a boys home on my 12th bday. I was forced to go visit him every week, and they bought him gifts- like he was a hero.

    Throughout the years, he has made comments (sexual) to me, asked for bikini shots, etc. So I quit talking to him nearly 10 years ago. Recently, the therapist I WAS seeing said that I needed to forgive in order to feel at peace. easier said than done. But I tried. I started talking to him again on the phone. we actually talked about the abuse. he told me he wanted to be my big brother and I believed him. His fiance and I talk also. Last night (and I know it was awful timing given the state I was already in) his fiance wanted to meet me in person. I said yes.

    everything was fine at first. they showed up, we visited, had a few drinks..... he and my husband decided they were suddenly new bffs, then the moment that I was alone, he started in. Im 41 now. And I still felt like that little kid. I didn't know what to do. I kept trying to smooth things over..... my husband went to bed.... my son (18) went to bed.... my brother fucking tried to kiss me. He grabbed my crotch. he kept groping me. At first, I tried to go into my bedroom. The door is messed up and it had been pushed inward (it opens outward) and I couldnt get it open. My husband woke up but he just yelled at me for trying to open it and making noise. Then, I went to the basement to my son's room. I sat on his bed and tried to stay quiet. He woke up, and he tried to talk, but he's a kid. n he had school in the morning. so I kissed him goodnight and came upstairs. I locked myself in the bathroom and laid on the floor and went to sleep. Then I got cold. So I finally went into my bedroom. forced the door open. everyone yelled at me for making noise.

    I cried myself to sleep.

    This morning my husband woke me up. he called into work. I am so depressed and alone. I tried to talk to him, tried to tell him what happened. He accused me of asking for it. He actually said "you gave him your boobie didn't you"

    You dont know how bad that hurt me. My husband, like my parents did years ago, basically told me i deserve it. I can't get my head around this. I didnt do anything at all. Im not even dressed provocatively, I'm wearing windpants and a sweatshirt.

    I work from home- I'm a writer. I have clients that want their work done today. now. and I cant think. I can't get my brain to stop going over everything. My husband tells me that he cant deal with ME. he went back to bed. I almost cut last night. I want to cut right now. I feel more empty today than I did yesterday. I didnt think that was possible.

    I have a psych appt in the morning. my friend says she is taking me no matter what. She's wonderful. And I feel like I am a burden to her. I keep smelling his cheap damn cologne from when he hugged me and its making me sick. I need to shower and wash his filth off of me. But I can't even muster up the energy to do that.

    I don't want to be here anymore. I just don't. my bf is here for me, and I cant even talk to HER. I just want it all to go away.
  6. JackDoe

    JackDoe Member

    Thank you for sharing. ((Internet hugs))

    I hope you will start feeling better soon.
  7. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Fragile Goods

    I am so sorry, I believe that you have to talk to your best friend, please, your husband an your brother will succeed even if you don't this is not just what you believe, this is Unforgivable an Obscene! Please tell your friend what is happening! I can't tell you how or what to do but something has to be done, don't continue on like this, get you friend or someone to do something, what they are doing is almost if not in fact criminal! You cannot continue on like nothing was happening you need to have someone helping you that is on your side, your son is in danger too, living there in my opinion, I am sending this, A S A P Do Something Please!
  8. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    I tried to talk to her. I just can't. I have never felt so damn awful in my life. I'm trying to stay safe.... but I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I feel like such a burden to everyone. How in the hell can my husband turn his back on me like this? especially right now. I am in fucking crisis for God's sake. I need him to hold me and let me cry and tell me I'm ok. is that too much to ask? I can't take anymore. I have the number for a suicide help line, but I don't even want to talk to THEM.
  9. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Fragile, You are not a burden, You mean something to your friend, your son an I am sure others as well as those of us on here, You have to try to get some positive input from others away from your husband an your brother as well, I would make sure if I was you that your brother could not approach you , I feel and believe that he should have a restraining order to stay away from you! He victimized you as a child and he has done it again!, I don't think he is a safe person to be walking around, the way he is going he could assault someone else, in my opinion from what I know, I realize that you have a home and Son there but from what I can see you are not safe there right now without someone else that is unbiased and has nothing to gain. I really can't do much but tell you how I feel right now based on what you have said, If it were me I would try to be in a safe place, with your husband and from what you have said about your brother it does not appear to be safe there! You are not a burden, It is not you that needs to die! You have to have someone not to protect you from your self but from others an the negativity! they spew out! I don't know what more I can say or do, Just please take care of yourself! It is obvious that your husband is not able to help or protect you! I ask you to please please Please! do call someone that you can talk to or stay with!
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    (((hug))) I am so sorry you're hurting this much! You are not a burden to anyone. You have been hurt and are trying to move forward from that.

    Inappropriate touching that a person doesn't agree to is sexual molestation or a form of sexual assault. No one is supposed to touch others without their consent. You did nothing wrong! You didn't ask for it, you didn't deserve it, you don't deserve it! I'm really sorry your husband is blaming you, the victim, for what your brother has done. :( I can really understand why you are upset!

    Sometimes it is hard to talk to someone we know, but easier to tell a stranger what has happened. So, please, If you are on the edge, consider a call to the suicide/crisis line and tell them what has happened, what has triggered you. They will know more about the options and resources in your local community that might be available quickly.

    Maybe it's time to think about what YOU want, not what everyone else says you should or should not do, think, feel. It's not your fault that your brother did that, and I am angry that your husband would accuse you of that you asked for your brother to touch you inappropriately!

    Keep us posted. Remember we care, so please stay safe! (((hug)))
  11. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am so sorry that trying to be the better person and to forgive resulted in that. Your anger and being upset about all of it is fully justified and understandable. I do hope someday you are able to lose the hate- I am not saying forgive - i am saying I hope that you can put it into perspective that this person is vile and sick and has many problems so you do not have to lose any more sleep or tears about such an awful situation- just get it to a place where it is not in your thoughts on a daily basis so he cannot continue to hurt you by haunting your thoughts.

    You are clearly a good person, and there are lots of other good people in the world. Find them and associate with them and feel pity for the nasty and people that don't think about hurting others or taking advantage. I hope you will find a way to be happy with your life and do believe you will be able to. If it helps to talk about here so you don't obsess over it in your own mind please do. People heal in different ways but knowing you can talk about it may help and if it does please do so until you make peace with yourself.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sorry you had a bad day yesterday and even more sorry that no one was there for you. From what I have seen you're a nice caring sound person. I hope today is a better day for you (hugs)
  13. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone for being there. I had a tough night- having a lot of trouble dealing with all of the weekend's events.... But I managed to get my butt up and get dressed for the doc, so it's a start. I just grabbed the first clothes I found, put my hair up and washed my face. It's not like me to not wear a little make-up and fix my hair and all that jazz, but I just don't have the energy and every time I move around or think about the things I need to do I feel sick.

    I hope I start feeling better today. My house is a mess, laundry needs done, dishes need done..... I have articles due.... ugh.

    Have a good day everyone, and stay safe!
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Did you go to the doctors yet? Are you going due to the rough and bad weekend you have had, please let us know how it goes :)
  15. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    I just got back from the doc. Whew. I kept getting sicker and sicker through the whole thing, but I managed to tell him how I was feeling. He gave me a cocktail of meds to start on, but he's going on vacation and won't be back until December 3rd so he was afraid I'd run out of meds... at first he told me to wait a few days to start them. Really? I feel like I have been waiting long enough already.... So then he told me to start them tomorrow and just skip a day here or there. Guess he couldnt prescribe enough to get me through. It's really hard for me because I want some relief asap and I want to take the meds now so I can get a head start on them taking effect.

    Good news is, since I don't have insurance i qualify for a special prescription program that makes my meds really cheap. Bad news is, one of the meds isn't in the program and it is really expensive. But they gave me samples and an application to see if I can get it through the manufacturer for free..... guess we'll see.

    I'm super nervous about taking the meds. Partly because I really want them to work and I have had such bad experiences and I'm afraid to be let down. Even the doc said that I have tried so many different ones, we are almost out of things to try.... and he said "I don't exactly have a magic wand you know".
  16. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Well, Fragile another step forward, I hope! I don't know what you are taking , I don't need to, I think most of them have changed or been replaced by newer one since I last took any meds except for Prozac, so I couldn't help with any they have now,lol he does not have a magic wand? :rolleyes:Just be careful if you have any adverse reactions make sure you let someone know as soon as possible, if you have had problems before you probably know that! I had the same thing happen a majority of them would not work as they indicated, not even close., well I hope that you have good results, you know it sometimes helps if you are a positive thinker, I really use to be one, if you want them to work then I hope they do! You are strong, I think that makes a big difference, attitude is everything, I really do wish you luck on those meds I think the pharm companies are doing a lot better with allowing people with problems now to get their meds as cheaply as possible! Take care of yourself Be safe An don't forget Be gentle to yourself!

    I will still be here if you want to talk!
    2 people like this.
  17. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    So I just took my first dose of cyproheptadine.... apparently it is supposed to be effective with insomnia, constant waking, nightmares in ppl with PTSD, and sleepwalking.... all of which I have so let's hope this works. I was kind of afraid to take it because I have articles to write and my son's senior pics tomorrow... but I just couldnt take another night like last night. Wish me luck all!
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