Not quite sure what to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Emily K, Jul 20, 2016.

  1. Emily K

    Emily K Member

    I'm not quite sure what to do, and if anything can be done to help me. I feel like I've lost all hope, and that living is a chore that I am forced to complete every day. I get mad that I don't have a choice every day to live or to die, rather that instead of choice we are forced to live, day in and day out, despite the overwhelming and horrible pain. I'm trying to let go, and more than anything in the world, I want to die. I feel upset that I am so cowardly as to not have the courage to kill myself and have it all over with. My friend says that I am not cowardly, but strong, to continue living in the face of immense pain and suffering here on earth, but I disagree. I am forced to live, as every second that I breathe prolongs my suffering for another five seconds. It hurts me to be alive, and I want to end it so badly. I feel that there is no end in sight, and I want to die. But as much as I want this to happen, I feel so guilty for leaving behind my friends and my family. My great friend who has supported me so long, and who I love so so so much, I don't want her to suffer. And I certainly want to make the easiest and least painful choice, whether that is living or dying. I feel caught in the middle with no good way to turn, and I feel like this is the end. I'm hardly holding on. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    P.S. I have a therapist, and I'm seeing him tomorrow, but I don't know how I can hold on until then.
     
  2. NorthSouth

    NorthSouth Member

    Emily, I'm not going to tell you that life is great and worth living and all that. I'm going through the same thing right now: feeling torn between making feeble efforts to makes some sort of life for myself and looking into ways to successfully commit suicide and leave a note that would minimize the misdirected pain of others. I'm not crazy about what I do all day with my job, especially as I work six days a week right now and the summer is passing me by -- not that I would have any plans anyway. So I understand the feeling of being forced to engage in this crazy world and my feelings of irrelevancy and sometimes pain and sadness during the day. I'm caught in the middle right now, between thinking that suicide makes the most sense given my track record of failure, and taking a look at life and trying to just find some sliver of hope that things somehow could get better. The afterlife is a very uncertain fear, and this is the only life we get -- if you ask me, at least -- and I have to start living. I'm not getting any younger, and it won't be long before I won't have the freedom to try things that might exist now. It's easy for me to say that, but if I were really "tasting" life, I wouldn't be home now writing you. Not that I don't mind doing so. In fact, I guess the whole point is to at least let you know that there's at least one other person that understands the feeling of being trapped within yourself and in a life that you don't want to live. I guess all I can say is that suicide exists as an option on one end of the spectrum, but trying to live and enjoy life just and love yourself -- even just a trifle bit -- exists as an option on the other end. Believe me, I'm a ways away from getting to that point. But at least you've acknowledged -- from what I read, at least -- that both possibilities exist. Maybe just acknowledge for now that even though it may seem that suicide is the logical option, it's not the only one. Then maybe you can talk about that with your therapist tomorrow. I don't know if that helps. I don't know if that makes you feel any better. I just understand where your coming from, and maybe if we can find support, we can look towards the end of the spectrum where we can feel just a little better about ourselves down the line. Just hang in there, Emily. Write back if you want to get anything off your chest in the meantime. Take care.
     
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Keep distracting yourself. *hugs* Is there someone you can call.
     
  4. Emily K

    Emily K Member

    Thank you both for replying. Hopefully my friend will be able to call me later tonight, and I'm hoping that that can alleviate some of the pain, at least in the short term. Last night we called, and while sitting in the backseat of my family's car on the phone with her I started crying and broke down, because at that moment, I was so unimaginably sad. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt being such a burden to her, but as time has gone on I realized that these things happen and to be continually feeling guilty is not productive and does not build strong relationships. As I continue to stumble, cry, and stuffed-animal my way through life I'm still grappling with the decision to commit suicide or not, and I'm trying to imagine a future for myself. I know that my decision will end up being the correct one. Again, thank you.
     
  5. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    There is a chatroom in the bottom righthand corner. Feel free to pop in and say hi.
     
  6. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    It sometimes takes a while to see past the immediate pain and suffering. To be able to see a future, it is there and it is open and free and full of possibilities. Don't lose hope because the choices seem so narrowed right now.

    And as someone who has friends for emotional and mental support, and being a friend for emotional and mental support, don't, don't ever feel like it's a burdon. Don't ever believe that. It's a downward spiral the second you give that thought credence. It's a special feeling knowing someone is willing to show their weaknesses, fears and pain and given the opportunity to try to heal you, help you, and love you.

    I hope you leave the thought of death behind. The choices are so much more vast with living. The ability to stop and change direction if you don't like where you are is one of those, something you can't do with death.