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Not quite sure when

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by burnface, Apr 26, 2012.

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  1. burnface

    burnface Member

    Yeah, I'll be doing it soon. I've explained my situation before but I guess I could summarize it again.

    I met this girl over the summer last year. Things go great. We're both into each other. Then she stops talking to me for a bit. She eventually tells me she had been raped a week prior and she was now dealing with that. She had been afraid to tell me because she thought I would be disgusted or lose interset in her. I told her my feelings for her hadn't changed one bit. I asked who it was because I wanted to go out and hunt this guy and kill him, but she wouldn't tell me. Okay. Fine. She scared to lose me because of what happened. I told her I'd go down to the police station with her and we could go file a police report. I would be with her every step of the way. She didn't want that. She just wanted to forget.

    Over the months we kept in contact, we saw each other like once after this all happened back in October. She was busy with work and trying to take care of herself and her problems. I was busy with school. I have a history with depression and back in November 2011, it hit me again. I'll admit what happened did trigger it. I had been able to suppress, ignore, fight it for awhile but in the end I gave in to those feelings. I tried talking to friends, family, a therapist. I didn't just sit around and dwell on my thoughts and feelings. I went out and tried to have fun, hang with friends, meet new people. None of it helped.

    I started drinking more than I ever had before. I started doing Xanax, Vallium, Vicodin just to escape my feelings. I was messed up all day, everyday. I started saying weird things to her. I'd hallucinate conversations with her and they would spill into reality. For example, I hallucinated her back when we were in high school. She was mad. I asked her why she was and she said "I know why." Honestly I didn't know what i did. I ended up blowing up her phone with texts and phone calls begging to forgive me, to not be mad, saying sorry for something that didn't happen. That's just one example.

    My depression got so bad I attempted to OD on December 15, 2011. I ended up feeling remorse/regret and called an ambulance. I didn't tell them it was an attempt, they just assumed I had felt sick and concluded I was either dehydrated or had some unspecified virus. I did call her when I was absolutely sure I was about to die and left a message apologizing for everything.

    2 months pass and we hadn't talked at this point. Eventually I get a hold of her and she says I had made things uncomfortable between us. I can't blame her. I know I did. I wanted to apologize, but she said she just wanted to be left alone. I packed my things and moved to L.A. I would party with models, go clubbing, anything to not think about her. It worked. I then decided to go travelling. I went to San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago, NYC, Miami. All I did was party with friends in whatever city I was in, drink, hookup with random women. All of that left me question what life is and feeling empty again.

    I moved back to my hometown (Detroit) a month ago. I don't find happiness, joy, or pleasure in anything anymore. I'm here thinking of her and wondering if she's okay. I'm trying not to think of her, but it's one of those things that no matter how hard you try to not think of, you inevitably think of. What happened to her stripped me of that light within me. I lost myself and I can't find that guy again. He died. I don't blame her or anything, it's just what happened triggered all of this.

    I'm at the point where I don't want to be saved. I don't want to find peace or happiness again. I'm here writing this because I don't have anyone or anything else to turn to. Parents don't care about me. They won't return phone calls or allow me to see them. I've alienated all my friends and they too don't care to talk or see me. No one else in my family (brothers, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles) don't want to talk or see me. I'm alone in my apartment. No motivation to meet anyone or to try and get better. All I do is plan on how I want to go about doing it. For me it's not a question of if but when.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are so down hun so depressed YOU can move on move forward you need to reach out though like you are doing here. This is a good move hun Now you need to talk to your doctor and get on some medication just long enough to pull you out of this depression okay You will meet other girls hun but not if you are so low like this hugs
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Very true
    And keep venting here to you will find support
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Keep posting here.. There are lots of peeps who care here..Your in deep depression.. You need to see a Pdoc.. They can put you on meds that will help you cope..Then you need a therapist.. If you can't afford both I suggest the therapist.. They can get to the root of the problem..Pull those deep dark secrets out and put them on the table and address them..Take care!!
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