How am I supposed to subject a child to this? To an insane and incapable of change mother, To a father who will snap on anyone who doesn't share his views, To poverty, To sickness, To pain. Everyone would be better off If I were just to subtract myself. To slip away into the shadows. Because clearly I wasn't meant for this. Clearly I should have been gone already. I've overstayed my welcome in this world. I was meant to leave years ago. But, just like with everything else, I didn't have the courage. And so now, Here my "retarded ass" is again; Letting tears slip onto a pillow Silently so the one who caused them won't hear. A burning lump of coal in my throat From trying not to sob aloud. A racing mind that never stops But never gets anywhere either. A broken heart that can't learn to heal again. Wondering where I'll have to move. Feeling like I should just die. But it's different this time. It's different because there's a child growing in me. One who doesn't deserve this life. One who deserves so much better, So much more, Than what I can give. Everyone says "I know you'll be an amazing mother!" But they have no idea. It's all a lie. I can't do it. Any of it. I can't take care of myself, Let alone a helpless child Who deserves nothing more Than love, Stability, Happiness, And health. If I can only give them one of those things, Even in abundance, I don't deserve them.