Not ready to be who I've always wanted to be

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lacrymosa, Aug 12, 2016.

  1. Lacrymosa

    Lacrymosa Member

    How am I supposed to subject a child to this?
    To an insane and incapable of change mother,
    To a father who will snap on anyone who doesn't share his views,
    To poverty,
    To sickness,
    To pain.
    Everyone would be better off
    If I were just to subtract myself.
    To slip away into the shadows.
    Because clearly I wasn't meant for this.
    Clearly I should have been gone already.
    I've overstayed my welcome in this world.
    I was meant to leave years ago.
    But, just like with everything else,
    I didn't have the courage.
    And so now,
    Here my "retarded ass" is again;
    Letting tears slip onto a pillow
    Silently so the one who caused them won't hear.
    A burning lump of coal in my throat
    From trying not to sob aloud.
    A racing mind that never stops
    But never gets anywhere either.
    A broken heart that can't learn to heal again.
    Wondering where I'll have to move.
    Feeling like I should just die.
    But it's different this time.
    It's different because there's a child growing in me.
    One who doesn't deserve this life.
    One who deserves so much better,
    So much more,
    Than what I can give.
    Everyone says
    "I know you'll be an amazing mother!"
    But they have no idea.
    It's all a lie.
    I can't do it.
    Any of it.
    I can't take care of myself,
    Let alone a helpless child
    Who deserves nothing more
    Than love,
    And health.
    If I can only give them one of those things,
    Even in abundance,
    I don't deserve them.