Not really self harm, just experimenting, right?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Jabez, Apr 21, 2015.

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  1. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    After years of urges to self-harm which I have fought to the point of exhaustion, I've been gathering together and carrying around equipment for the last week or so. Today was my first opportunity to use it without worrying about my kids walking in on me - today school went back from the holidays. So I spent a bit of time this morning experimenting. I did cut myself, but not much. Just 3 cuts maybe a 1/16th inch, and shallow. So less damage to my skin than I do any weekend I spend working in the rose garden.

    That's not really self harm is it? If there's no actual harm done?

    I saw my psychologist this afternoon, but I was too embarrassed to admit what I had done because it seems like attention seeking to even mention something so minor and stupid.

    But I have to admit it felt good. For the first time in two weeks I felt like I was in control of what I felt. Such small cuts didn't really hurt anyway, but I could make myself ignore the pain. And it distracted me from all the other body memory pain I have been having since describing the rape to my therapist. Watching the blood bead on my skin, blotting it away, watching it reform, was hypnotic and left me feeling so calm and in control for a short time. I just wish I was brave enough to go a bit deeper and further, see the blood flow not bead. Then maybe I could blot out these memories I wish I didn't have?
  2. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

    I can totally and utterly understand the urge and the experimentation and the good feelings afterwards. The thing about self harm is that it works. I started doing it at the age of 28, just over three years ago. I wish I had never started. I would urge you to tell your psychologist and get help with more healthy coping mechanisms which you can use instead. Honestly, truly, it's not a habit you want to get into. People (on another forum) told me this when I first started, but I didn't listen. Also, no self harm is minor or stupid.
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    The thing about self harm, you have to understand, is that it is a coping mechanism. And it is addictive. But it is not positive. The scars stay with you for the rest of your life. If you can, right now, try to talk to psychiatrist, try to figure a less harmful coping mechanism. I know it is hard because I know that self harm, it works almost better than anything else to snap you out of paranoid/anxious/depressed thinking.

    Between now and next pdoc appointment, if you must, try holding an ice cube in your hand until it melts. It hurts a lot. But no permanent scar. Then talk to pdoc.
  4. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your advice, guys. I emailed my therapist, and she arranged an extra appointment. She has asked me to bring my husband to my next appointment so that she can talk to him. I'm scared, but I guess it's a positive step. I can see what you mean about addictive and hard to stop...
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