After years of urges to self-harm which I have fought to the point of exhaustion, I've been gathering together and carrying around equipment for the last week or so. Today was my first opportunity to use it without worrying about my kids walking in on me - today school went back from the holidays. So I spent a bit of time this morning experimenting. I did cut myself, but not much. Just 3 cuts maybe a 1/16th inch, and shallow. So less damage to my skin than I do any weekend I spend working in the rose garden. That's not really self harm is it? If there's no actual harm done? I saw my psychologist this afternoon, but I was too embarrassed to admit what I had done because it seems like attention seeking to even mention something so minor and stupid. But I have to admit it felt good. For the first time in two weeks I felt like I was in control of what I felt. Such small cuts didn't really hurt anyway, but I could make myself ignore the pain. And it distracted me from all the other body memory pain I have been having since describing the rape to my therapist. Watching the blood bead on my skin, blotting it away, watching it reform, was hypnotic and left me feeling so calm and in control for a short time. I just wish I was brave enough to go a bit deeper and further, see the blood flow not bead. Then maybe I could blot out these memories I wish I didn't have?