Not really sure what to do.

[Freya]

It's been a really long time since I felt like this. I get low the same as everyone else here and I live with the constant "I can't see the point in continuing" chant that circles my head:
You don't have a future,
You are impossible to love,
You will always be alone,
Everybody leaves,
You are worthless,
You are beyond redemption
You might as well quit.

I deal with it, if not well, then at least adequately on a day to day basis.

Today I don't know what to do. I don't really think that actually I can do this anymore. I am not one for the "this is it" dramatics. I don't like to try to explain it all because trying to rationalise to people feels too much like attention seeking and I am conscious that other people, especially here, have enough to deal with without having to formulate a response to something that no doubt sounds utterly self involved and self pitying.

As of right now I genuinely cannot think of one single reason not to just throw the towel in. The thing I have clung to before has always been "you will hurt people" but I am reaching the conclusion that the few that will feel anything at all will predominantly feel relief.

It would be so easy. And it would stop me from inflicting myself on people who deserve so much better. I think it is the best thing for everyone?

 

[ThornThatNeverHeals]

no hun, its not the best thing for everyone. Ur our freybubbles, and we love you... i hope you can see that, even when we cannot show you because we are hurting too...

 

[total eclipse]

I am sorry you are feeling so low hun dam depression getting the best of you
Please know you do matter hun okay and we care about you You do have friends that would be so upset over you leaving hun Please talk to you doc okay see what supports can be added or changed to get you out of that place your in now okay hugs to you

 

[Freya]

Thorn,
Thank you but... well... I can't really explain what it is that I want to say without making you mad so I will stick to thank you.

Total Eclipse,
I have done this meds thing for over a decade and it never gets better - it gets worse. I know that people are practically obliged to tell me that people care about me and would be upset if I was gone and I appreciate that posting here is naturally going to have that effect. The truth is though that actually that isn't particularly true. Yes there are a few people who would feel guilty but that really is about the extent of it.
There is literally one person I believe would genuinely be affected by it and she is determined to disappear from my life in the near future in any case.