Not really sure where else to go

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by srhx, Aug 17, 2016.

  1. srhx

    srhx Member

    So I've been dealing with a really bad breakup for the past month and I feel like I'm losing it all the time. We met on Tinder last year while he was home for a family event (he's in the military and is currently stationed in another country) and didn't get the chance to physically meet until May, but we were in a ldr from the time he left. He's currently in the states until October for classes he has to take for work and I flew out to be with him for the summer before I have to go back to college for the fall. We were so in love with each other and he was my very best friend. He knows all my secrets and all the bad things about me and loved me despite all of them. We talked everyday for hours, couldn't sleep unless we were on the phone or Skype together, we'd even gotten through a three month long deployment and came out the other side. I thought I'd met the person I was meant to be with.

    I ended up leaving a month early because he couldn't afford to have me out there anymore. He paid for everything, including my plane ticket (which I should clarify that he offered to do and I never asked.) We had issues before I left and he almost sent me home twice before all this. The first time being only two weeks after I arrived. Every time he said he wasn't "feeling it" anymore. The last time it happened I actually packed all my things and he got me a flight for the next morning to send me back. Later that night he changed his mind and said he still was in love with me and didn't want me to leave, so I stayed. I think he's afraid of being hurt, but I'm not sure. He lost his dad to suicide when we was a kid and I just lost my older brother to the same thing last year so I can understand.

    So we worked things out and everything got a lot better and I felt like I could breathe again when he dropped it on me that I had to leave because of the money issue. I asked him if we were breaking up and he said of course not and that he had been feeling really good about us. However, not even an hour after I got home, he started acting distant. Every time I would call, he would hardly speak, which wasn't like him. He claimed he was stressed about his exams so I gave him some space for a while. Then not even a week after I had been back, he called me and said he couldn't do it anymore and that he'd been feeling the same way he did before.

    He says he still wants to be friends and I feel like if I pretend to be friends and like I'm okay, I can still have him in my life but it's hurting me so much. He got back on Tinder not even 24 hours after he broke it off with me and I feel awful because I can't even think about looking at other guys. He won't talk about the break up at all. The last and only time we discussed it, he said he loves me but it's "not enough." And that keeps replaying in my head over and over. I don't understand how someone can love someone so much one day and then it not be enough, the next. He said the distance was the problem and that he can't deal with living together through the phone and that he has to choose between being on the phone or hanging out with his friends. Which is something I never made him do. I always told him if he wanted to go out, I had absolutely no problem with it and I meant it. As I said, I'm in school and can't leave until I finish and he's re-enlisted for another four years. We had discussed getting married next year before all this happened and were both really excited about it and now it's all gone.

    We hardly talk at all now and I miss him so much. I feel abandoned. He doesn't miss me at all and it's driving me crazy. My family doesn't listen to me and I don't have any friends. I go back to school next week and I'm so afraid that this is going to interfere with my grades because I can't focus on anything. I can't sleep and when I do, I have nightmares about him or I wake up every two hours and check my phone for a message from him that I know isn't going to be there. I can't eat. And I can't remember the last time I brushed my hair.

    I don't know what to do anymore and I hate the physical ache that I feel from missing him. I don't remember the person I was before I met him and I feel like he's taken a big piece of myself away from me. I'm usually not like this when it comes to breakups but I feel so lost without him. I don't feel good enough. I just wish he'd come back so I wouldn't feel so messed up anymore.
     
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hiya srhx and welcome to SF. I hate to say this and you will hate me for saying it, but TIME. Give it time. Yes, your emotions are very raw right now and you hurt like hell because of the rejection, but in time, that will begin to fade. You are stll young and have a lifetime in front of you, dont waste it over a situation you have no control over. If he doesn't want to be with you, you cant force him to be, so its out of your control. You will meet someone else in the fullness of time, someone who will love you for who and what you are.

    Finish school and then decide what it is you want to do with your life. The options right now are endless, but those options will reduce if you allow this to upset you to the point where you cannot function properly. You can get through this, do well in school and have a very long and happy life. Right now it wont feel that way, but it will, in time. Time really is the great healer in situations like yours.

    Feel free to express yourself here at SF. No one will judge you or ridicule you or intimidate you, this place is anonymous and safe and open 24/7. We all just help and support each other as we share our stories. Please read some posts from others and you might find some you can relate to. I will not be the only one to reply to this thread thats for sure. You might well get some better advice from someone else here, I am offering my opinion only.

    Take care and stay safe out there and if you feel its all getting too much, theres always someone here to reach out to.
     
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am sorry for what you are going through - losing someone you love is awful. It is painful and devastating.

    In my experience, the best way to get over loss is to do completely different things - go different places, rearrange your schedule... don't leave holes where he was. I don't know if that makes any sense. I read one time that your brain "looks" for the person (or thing) you miss where it expects to find them/it. So if you always have a cigarette after a coffee, that is when you will want one. If you always talk to your boyfriend while lying in your bed, that is where your brain will "look" for him. I know it sounds nuts but I have literally slept in a different room before now - so my brain is a little out of "habit" and not as determined to 'look for' the person I am missing. If you can get away on a trip for a couple of weeks, that would be even better. Be somewhere he has never been (either physically or even just with you in your heart when you went). Sleep in a different room. Go for a walk in the morning if you would normally lay in bed and text with him... do different things and shake your brain away from the pain of missing him.

    Like SK said, time does heal but you can give it a helping hand by not torturing yourself. If he does not love you and he is back on tinder, you need to move on - don't look at his tinder profile, get rid of his facebook - block him so you can't check his profile constantly - take your heart out of his sphere of existence and give it a chance to heal. I absolutely understand what you are doing trying to be his friend - I completely understand that when you love someone you want them in your life on any terms that you can make that happen. It is easy for me to tell you its not a good idea - it is even easy for you to know it is not a good idea - it is another thing entirely to act on that knowledge. I get that - I would be the same.

    It gets better - it really does - you have to let it though. *hugs*
     
    Brittless likes this.
  4. srhx

    srhx Member

    Thank you both for the input. I've been trying my best to do things to keep my mind off of him and what he's doing but there's sometimes that things get so bad that I obsessively check facebook, snapchat, instagram, etc. every ten minutes to see if he's posted something. I know I'm doing it but I don't know how to stop myself. I think I'm waiting to see him post something about being with a girl, even though I know it'll destroy me if he did. He messaged me a couple days ago and apologized for being shitty (we hadn't spoken in a week and he ignored a message I sent him), then he got mad that I was upset with him for acting the way he has. He said he's on tinder out of boredom and that if he really wanted to meet someone then he'd go to a bar or something, but I don't know if I buy it. I'm just tired of missing someone that doesn't miss me; Or at least doesn't show that he does.
     
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You have to be strong as life is important and nothing else matters. Yes, you found love and you thought he was the one but it has left you totally hurt. I understand your mind and your day to day living is all over the shop and totally understandable. You feeling that you cannot relate to anyone but we here understand what you experiencing.

    Yes, like SinsterKid said give it time. The getting over to someone to who really trusted is hurting but sometimes you have let go which will cause you such emotional anguish as you suffer now. You no doubt cry and think of the good times and question the relationship especially as you very close and shared secrets.

    From the obsessive social media checking, you need to try to detox from your smart phone as this could be considered a form of harassment. You stop this by switch off the phone and placing under lock and key. One suggestion is use the elastic band so every time you wish to check, the sting of pulling the elastic band will help and remind you no to use the phone.

    You need to get yourself straight enough before the beginning of the fall but it's a short period of time to get ready. You might need to seek medical advice about anti-depressants which nothing to be ashamed off as life itself is important. They will help with duress you are experiencing but it will take time.

    Let the relationship go as at the moment you need to concentrate on yourself . I know it's hurting but sometimes your head says one thing and your heart says something. Sometimes, you will never get over a relationship you once cared deeply about. Be strong and remember the SF family will help YOU in this tough period of your life.

    Take care and most important be safe.
     
  6. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Does your school have a counsellor you can talk to. What about taking few courses so you can take more time to focus on you.
     
  7. srhx

    srhx Member

    No, I don't believe so. I go to a small community college so things like that aren't really their top priority. I'm only taking two classes this semester, so.
     
  8. some_random_name

    some_random_name Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel bad but things get better. Just trust me. Things. Get. Better. If he doesn't want you then he lucked out. You sound nice and a guy is being mean then just say okay I understand we had a thing and it's hard to get past this but do it for you.
     
  9. srhx

    srhx Member

    Thank you. That's what everyone keeps telling me, that he missed out. But I can't help but wonder if I had acted differently while we were together or been better somehow, if things would be different. He was the only person around for me when I was planning on ending things for myself a few months ago and told me he couldn't handle it if he lost me like that and now I'm back in that same mindset and he's nowhere to be found, nor does he even know.
     
  10. lilshortcanadian

    lilshortcanadian Active Member

    Hello Srhx, I understand that feeling of not understanding why your not good enough. Two years ago I finally left a 9 year abusive relationship. I couldnt think right every time she broke it off with. She would break it off and than a week later she would be with some guy. Last year was the last time ever that I could take it. Once I dumped her she got with this guy. After flying back to my home country for the first time, I found out she wad preg with his baby. I couldnt understand why she would end it all and play so many mind games she did. Now, Im over it and actually grateful she put me through all that because I wouldnt know what true love was when I met my gf now. In other words, sometimes we have to go through some crappy situations to find or even be happy. Peoplr walk in and out of our lives every day sadly. But they do that for a learning lesson. You will find that happiness with someone one day. You wouldnt even know what to do nor think when someone shows you that true love you were seeking for. Lol sometimes I question my gf if she truly loves me. Because Im just not use to it. Everything will pass in time. Try to stay strong and keep working hard on your studies.
     
    SinisterKid likes this.
  11. srhx

    srhx Member

    I hope so. This was my last go at dating for a while because I don't think I'm going to be ready to open myself up like I did with him for a long, long time. I trusted him completely and he broke that and I don't think I'd ever be able to let my guard down like that with him again, even if he did come back. As I said, it's hard to not wonder what I did wrong or if it was because of something I didn't do. It sucks being disappointed in someone that you care so much for. The person that I thought was my best friend is now a stranger that I don't even know how to have a conversation with. The guy I was with before him left me for the same reason. Couldn't decide what he wanted and all that. So naturally I'm sitting here like "what the fuck is wrong with me?"

    We haven't spoken since Tuesday morning and before that we hadn't spoken in a week and a half. When we first broke things off, we still talked everyday. Told each other good morning, have a good day, and told each other goodnight before we went to bed, etc. and now it's tapered off into basically nothing. It's incredibly hard to not say anything to him but I know it's just going to rip the scab off if I try and then I have to start all over again.

    I registered for two biology courses this semester so I'm hoping that will keep my mind off things. I think he just wanted to be single while he's back in the states. A few people that I've spoken to about it have said he'll probably try to contact me again when he leaves and has time to actually think about the situation. Right now he's in southern California with pretty much anything and anyone he could want. Either way, it's not fair to me.
     
  12. lilshortcanadian

    lilshortcanadian Active Member

    I get that for sure. My ex gf before I got with the one Im with now, did the same stuff. Kept saying that she doesnt know if she wants to be with me or if she could love. She had problems with her own mental issues and I think she was propably jusy scared. I was always talking to my best friend, whom is my gf now. She was there when that girl hurt me or always stood me up. When I decided that I was falling for my best friend, that girl than tried running back to me. So pretty much, people like their freedom vut dont want to be tied down. Which honestly is such bull. To have someone love you is a great thing. Why wouldnt you want to be tied down. Which if its the right person, it wouldnt be a "tied down".

    He could be just enjoying his freedom since he has free time in the states for a bit. You honestly could be right that he will notice what he did when he is all alone again. But with all the will power, dont alloe him to suck you in. Those people are just control freaks. You deservr so muh more.
     
  13. srhx

    srhx Member

    Yeah, I don't plan on it. By the time he goes back it'll have been almost four months since he broke it off with me so that's a lot of progress to just throw away. As much as I miss him, I can't allow myself to go back to a situation where I could potentially end up feeling this badly again. I'm just waiting for it to "click" that I don't miss him anymore, but I don't think that's going to be for a long time.
     
  14. lilshortcanadian

    lilshortcanadian Active Member

    It will takes some time but just keep your mind focus on other stuff such as school. Thats what Im trying to do with the negative crap I get daily.
     
  15. some_random_name

    some_random_name Well-Known Member

    Be safe. Don't do anything and just consider yourself free. You have no obligations. So watch one of your favorite movies. Or something and just relax. You matter. Don't devalue yourself at another persons whim. If he wants you he should make up his mind. Idk I hope all works out for the best for you, srhx.