not really sure why im posting again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FBD, Nov 8, 2010.

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  1. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    well ive been away from here for a while, i dont really deserve a response to this because of that...but ive been told that i need to try to talk, and well i feel guilty talking to people irl, but on here i guess you have the option to read this if you want to...

    also, im not sure where this is gunna go, im jsut gunna spill, so use caution i guess, i dont wanan trigger you if i say something stupid, which is kinda likely.

    anyways, i was on meds, and this past summer i stopped taking them, i didnt go to the doctor to see if it was ok or anything i just stopped. i dont see that doctor anymore either, i just quit trying to get help

    story about the doctor, well its the doctor offered through the school, and it was free, so i decided to finally give getting "better" a shot. so i went i was in counseling and on zoloft and seroquel (originally just zoloft then i attempted suicide so the seroquel was added) i asked the doc to change the meds, i was maxed out on both basically. when i was hospitalized the dr there even decreased the zoloft script because it was such a high dosage for someone my size (200mg and im about 130lbs) so anyways the zoloft seroquel option wasnt doing it so i got put on effexor to get rid of the seroquel (it was costing me too much to keep it) after a few weeks on the effexor i saw the doc again i was on a low dose and it seemed to have some effect, so i figured itd be like the others and just increase the dose to make the effects fuller i suppose. but no the doc goes well how about going abck to the other combo, and didnt listen to me saying i could not afford $50 a month for the seroquel (im a college student with limited income it was the meds or food i choose food) he disregarded my concerns and handed me the script and i never filled it and stopped taking meds

    so theres that,

    i also made a promise to a friend that i would try to stop using this site and talk to her instead, this worked, as she knew personally what i was going throu (we both have depression) but now her meds are working wonderfully from what i can tell and i dotn want to trigger her so i stopped confiding in her. there was another friend i talked to for a while, but i feel bad bombarding him with all my random thoughts, when none of them are really logical and i still convince myself im right, regardless of what he says. i dont think its fair and i stopped talking to him about it too. so now i havent been saying anything to anyone for a while now, and im not on any meds what so ever.


    so now im posting here, and im not sure what to think about it, but i figure if i should say something and cant actually talk to someone this will work, but i still even feel bad doing this, so im sorry

    i know i probably should be seeing a doctor, but right now its not an option im not going to use the school one anymore, all hes managed to do is convince me that i have nothing to say and no say in how im treated, and that im stupid and essentially worthless. because obviously i have no idea if the meds im taking are doing anything or not. so that means i would need to start paying for it, and i cant do that until i have enough of an income to pay my rent and then afford a doctor, im also not having my parents help, i refuse to let that happen. they didnt even know anything was wrong until my hosptalization, and that wasnt even the 1st time i tried something.


    ive been feeling really weird lately, like one week im almost ok, yes i still have depressed or suicidal thoughts, but its not always consistant, then the next week the entire time im suicidal, im antisocial, almost to the point that im afraid of talking to people. i keep ahving urges to do things or put myself into situations where i know i could get hurt or killed. its something i cant stop myself from thinking about, like i know if i do (insert dumb idea here) then i will feel (insert negative emotion here) and i think its a good idea. like i long to hurt myself but not have it be my fault entirely. dont get me wrong i know it would be my fault, but its like i could pass it off as an accident. it gets me away from having to talk about why i cut myself or why i overdosed again or something because i can say something like well this happened i dont know how.

    i know its stupid, but i cant help it i want to be in high risk situations that will do harm to myself. i know ill get hurt either emotionally more or physically, and i wish that it would hurt me physically to an extreme level, to a perminent kinda thing leaving me useless, which is how i feel. or even to the end all of life.



    so anyways, i do think theres more than just depression going on here, because of the almost ok weeks, i dont get it...but i know theres depression cause of well the depressed moods that last for well, since forever. its like the depression is always there and the good weeks and just weeks where for some magical reason i can almost tolerate it.


    im not sure what else to say right now, cause theres a lot on my mind, but o well and if you read this, well 1 im sorry if i offended or triggered or wasted your time and 2 thanks
     
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Colyyyy :hug: im glad your back and just because you were gone doesnt mean you dont deserve a reply. A lot of people take breaks and come back and we always welcome them back with open arms so why wouldnt we do the same for you hun?

    That doctor sounds like an idiot to me. You have the biggest say in how you are treated and for him to make you feel like you dont isnt right. I'm pretty sure you could report him for something like that. :(

    Meds dont fix everything but they do seem to dull it so that we can work on stuff without it being so intense that we quit half way through. Well thats what my therapist told me once :laugh:

    Anyways hun im glad you are back and please dont feel like you cant post because you have been away for a while. We want you to post. You are as much of a member as the rest of us and we want to help. Please keep posting. And you know where i am if you need me. You have my number. Call or text me any time hun. :hug:

    Welcome Back. xx
     
  3. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    as for the doctor, well i cant do much, hes provided for free by the school...i hate him so yeah i dont think many other people like him either


    i suppose i can try to keep posting, well see how that goes...

    its weird i got a billion and a half things racing through my mind, but i feel like i have nothing to say...like everything bugs me but nothign i recognize enough to actually say soemthing
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you came back when you needed us....no ones gonna worry about you taking a break..we all understand how it is.
    I hope you keep reaching out here when you need to..
    Is there no way you will ask your parents for help? I'm sure they wouldn't mind if it means keeping you alive *hug*
    can you give that doctor another go? but be assertive (oh I know how hard that is) and tell him what you found worked for you and what you'd like to do..
    It's worth a try...
     
  5. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    once i get a steady job ill find a new doctor, right now im finishing up school and once i graduate from here im hoping to go to grad school somewhere else, possibly somewhere far away...well see if that happens

    but either way, i do think ill find a new doctor, but well with my previous experiences im hesitant but once i go to one you can bet im not gunna let myself get walked all over. its just making it to that point

    i really cant ask my parents for help with this one, i dont want them to worry too much, even when they saw me when i was hospitalized my dad said "looks like you made a mistake" i responded yes because, well to me it seems like theyd rather not know
     
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey there,

    You might be eligible for medicaid. I think it depends on whether or not you are legally a dependent or not. If you are a dependent, you still might be eligible, but only if your folks are low income.

    Is there only one school doctor?
     
  7. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    yeah i go to a small school and theres just 1 doctor there...im a dependent thou at least until i graduate and what not, my parents already have health insurance and everything so i think im just gunna wait it out
     
  8. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Hey trefioliecoly,

    Sorry to hear you had such a difficult time with the doctor that was offered through school. Doesn't sound like he was the right person to be helping you at all.

    It must be really frustrating that you would like to seek help but don't feel like you're in position to be able to do so. I know you have said you don't want to ask your parents to help you out, would you feel able to ask them for a loan (either with them knowing what the money is for or not) if there where in a position to be able to loan you the money?

    A lot of my family don't like to acknowledge my situation either, I think it just makes it too real for them and they don't know what to say so say nothing (which to be honst, makes me feel worse about it). It might even be a relief to them if you spoke to them and said you realised you needed some help. I'm sure they would rather you got the help you feel you need rather than go on feeling like this.

    Whatever you decide, definitely try and keep posting here and PM me anytime
     
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    there might be a way that you could just declare yourself independent. I don't know how that works though. I think your folks would miss out on a tax deduction.

    So since you are over 18, I don't think they can force you to have dependent status, though I think you would have to not have the same mailing address or something.
     
  10. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    Thanks you the advice guys :)



    I'm going to keep thinking about it all and go from there...well see what happens I guess.
     
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