Not scared anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by UserName13, Aug 16, 2014.

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  1. UserName13

    UserName13 Member

    My apologies for not becoming apart of the community before needing to do what I feel is right.

    I am 26, and I no longer fear death, I have embraced it.

    My life begins with neglect, hate, abuse and being treated unfair and without reason from my father and older brother. The worse bullies I have had in my life are in my family. Since my latest memories I have been treated as such without being able to share my feelings in words that can be understood by the passively self-centered. My mother suffers from depression and anxiety, and it's such that has made my last few years living with her the worse feelings I have felt. Having to deal with these emotions and feelings of loneliness and the questions of "What the fuck do I do wrong?" my entire life feels like has taken it's last stand. I feel it's as if me having to deal with these emotions and being scared to be home that made me act different in public, at school. Every friend I have don't seem to care about me; I've gone through literally 100's of friends, all to end the same. I do everything I can to make my friends smile, feel good, whether it's joking, sharing, or just showing my appreciation for their friendship by being around them, but this is one way only. I've yet to find anyone who gives a shit about me, and it's not that I am "depressed" around people... I smile, joke, talk and laugh much more than everyone else, with largely scattered moments of being silent and unreadable. I'm sick of being told to message people to hangout, only to be ignored or denied. I've always told myself that all I need to be happy is a girl who loves me as much as I her, but this has proven impossible. I'm not ugly, people tell me i'm "cute"; I am very easy to talk to, I have excellent advise for anyone in any situation and I am not scared or ashamed to show how I feel with always keeping in my what I say to make sure I don't put anyone down. I'm a lover with no one to love. I have too much love to give and too much self hate to help myself anymore.

    I recently was kicked out of my Mom's house 8 days ago because I wouldn't talk to her. Our last conversation was about me looking for another full-time job while STILL having the one I have and not quitting until I find another one. My mother did not like this and freaked out on me, outside, in public; day time, with people walking around with their dogs and children. My mom has done so much for me and has helped me tremendously, but her last words to me that I listened to were "I don't love her, and I am ungrateful for everything she does for me". This is untrue, and I say that to all of you, my friendly strangers, that from the bottom of my heart I DO love my Mom and I am more grateful for what she has done for me than words or actions could explain... but her telling me I don't, set me off. I use to have dreams for YEARS and YEARS as a child, teen, young-adult and now of someone passing away in my family, and I would wake up bawling my eyes out. No one understands how it feels to have these feelings, to know this sadness, loneliness... I've always told myself things will change, I'll meet friends who care, a girl to love and appreciate who is trustworthy, but I can't keep this wait up anymore, and the longer it has taken the worse I feel, and the worse I feel the less of a chance I will find someone who doesn't think me as "Crazy, depressed or unstable".

    In my pre-teen days, lets say 12, I was sick of being home 24/7 after school and hated being home, I wanted to be any where else. I attempted to chock myself as I tied my bathrobe rope around my bunk bed and around my neck. I pulled hard still standing trying to chock myself; I felt the blood rush, the light headedness, but I didn't continue. My mother later questions why my neck was so beat red and scratched, I told her it happened taking off a shirt that got caught. Since that day I have always felt like I would leave this world on my own decision but always tried convincing myself I never would, and for the most part I had convinced myself that I wouldn't, still having in the back of my mind that I might.

    I moved 2 hours away from home, without telling any one in my family, they have no idea where I am and have only gotten 1 text from my mom saying "She's sorry I felt like I had to leave the way I did" and that "She loves me". Funny, Im being kicked out for not wanting to talk to her because all she does is put me down and make me feel worse, yet she's sorry I had to leave like that? She kicked me out for not wanting to talk to her, what other way am I suppose to leave? If I talk to her, being kicked out is redundant.

    It's hard for me to keep a job, no matter what it is I always feel so drained and full of hate. I always thought it was because I worked as a cook (Which I never wanted to do but the only jobs I Could ever find) so when I found a new job as a Customer Service rep for moblie phone, I felt happy thinking that I may have found a place I could stay at. After my Mom freaked out on my because I couldn't stand doing customer service and talking to random strangers for 8 hours a day, any time I went back to work I'd just hate myself, and felt this anxiety and adrenaline run through my body that wouldn't allow me to pick up the phone and put on that bullshit customer service voice where I always have to sound happy. I wasn't happy; I'm not happy. After I moved away 8 days ago I found another job, working in a bakery factory 12 hours a day 5 days a week. A labor job, something I always wanted and felt like I could do being physically in shape and all. Half way through the shift I started feeling the same I do at every job, than had that "not want to work here" feeling. Than I realized... it wasn't the jobs I was at that I hated, it was me, my life, the world. I've realized I no longer want to try anymore when every time I have has ended in failure, rejection... And now I sit here, pretty certain I am going to kill myself very soon; which sounds really bad when you say it like that, but what if it makes me the happiest person in the afterlife? We have no idea what happens after death, and that thought alone makes it seem worth it to kill myself rather than live here where I know I will feel this way for the rest of my life. Insanity is doing the same things over again expecting different results; so what's it called when you try doing everything you can and still get the same results? Friends who don't really care, talk to me, ask me to hangout, reply to my texts / calls. I'm only called on when that person needs something, like a ride. I can't tell you the amount of friends that have said to me "*name here* where have you been? I thought you were dead?". Yet... they didn't think of messaging me on their fucking phones that they use 100+ times a day? or maybe reply to one of my numerous messages so I don't feel like a big bag of shit that is ignored and not wanted.

    I don't know what to do, I freaked out on a female friend I have always been passionate about because she sent me a picture of a guy kissing her at a bar saying "she didn't know she sent me that, she sent it to everyone". Even her, the female who I feel the most for doesn't even care about me... granted she messages me, but i have to message her. If I don't message her for a month, we don't talk for a month, if I message her twice a week, than she replies twice a week. but it's all me, and it makes me feel like I am the needy one (Which with the lack of love and respect I get, I kind of am). But if I say how I Feel to her our friendship will end, kind of like how it did last night when I told her how I feel and how my life is, she decided to not respond. Now I feel nothing.

    I have a younger sister who I would do and have done everything for her, I've put my life on hold and didn't move out west to start a life where there are jobs because she didn't want me to leave her, she loved me too much to bare me leaving. Now, she doesn't feel that way. Hardly talks to me or acknowledges me, I have to talk to her to get any reply out of her (Kind of like all my "amazing" friends <- sarcasm) and now I feel like she doesn't see me as that special brother who she never wants to leave. She decided that she is moving ACROSS THE FUCKING WORLD next year, just like that. Am I going to stop her? No, Does she realize that I have not done what she is going to do because she wanted me to stay? No. Yet she can so easily get up and fuck off across the world without a second thought of who she is leaving behind, yet I have changed my whole life for the worse to stay here with her because we use to be the only people who understood eachother. But now that I have made our mom upset, she holds it against me, and no longer sees me as anything other than someone who's purposely trying to upset our Mother, and her love for our mom trumps mine, making me look like the bad person here. Yet I am the one that ACTUALLY thinks about everyone and their feelings, but I am the one that always have to make the decisions and it's always my fault when bad times happen because no one understands me or bothers to take the time too, but I would drop everything and anything for anyone to help them not feel like I do.

    I told my gay friend (I am 100% straight, just saying) that I am contemplating suicide. He tells me I'll find someone to love, yet 3 years since my last girlfriend, longest relationship is 6 weeks. I find the lottery easier to win, and I don't gamble. This isn't something for attention, this is something I feel is the best choice for me, and those around me. Why force people to have me in their life if they don't want me; I thought moving would help, and granted it's only been 8 days, I feel lonelier now than ever, and going back won't change that... I'll just be closer to the loneliness.

    One reason why I never committed suicide yet is because people have had and do have a worse life than me who fight through it all with every struggle and have not and will not end their life. But the way I see it now, is I am too alone to bother with life anymore. Why live alone in a world with 7+ billion people when I can find the answers to life, behind the after life. I feel empathy for anyone who has lived a life like mine or worse, people who have gone through deaths, sickness, health issues but still manage to find a way to carry on. I can't anymore, I don't want to... I've cried so much thinking about this that I no longer fear it, I want it. My curiosity to "Is there a better life beyond this one" is over-powering any love I have for anyone in this world. I feel like it's too late to change me, to make me actually happy with self-respect... I don't do anything wrong to people, I don't hit on girls and try fucking everything that walks. I talk to people, I ask about their life and show interests in their interests, but once again, that's a one way street.

    I feel like I am days away from suicide, and I don't fear it. I never wanted to make everyone in my life feel that shitty feeling people get when someone "close" commits suicide, and even though I'd be dead, my living self couldn't accept that, and so here I am, still pulling myself through life one bullshit even after the other.

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>, I can't think of a more peaceful, painless way to go. Considering I don't have any tears running down my face as I type this, it makes me feel like this choice is more for me than even before.

    I am not sure what to expect out of this post, I've never been on a suicide forum; didn't know they even existed until I Googled "Painless ways to kill yourself" and stumbled across this site. I am currently living at an old friends uncle's house (My old friends dad is still someone I talk to and visit and he lives alone, he got ahold of his Sister who I never met and they took me in 8 days ago to find a job and start a new life) Which I am very grateful for, I tell them that every day and show my appreciation by having conversations with them and joining in when I am invited, which seems to be always. Though this is not enough to make me want to live, They are one of the loveliest 70+ year old couple I have ever seen.

    I have reviewed in my head over and over what I can do... and as I type this the couple I live with now told me they are out for the day an they'll be back later, which makes me feel like this is the perfect time to pack all my stuff and end my life without having to leave all my stuff at someone's house who doesn't deserve to live through what I feel like I am about to do. I don't know what else to say... I've even said good-bye to a friend (I know I said I have no friends, there are a couple I have... and not to be greedy, but it isn't enough because my life is still all about them in their eyes, It's not about how I feel, it's what they want when they want. I couldn't make it to a friends b-day party and he got mad, yet they've never even said happy birthday to me, but I am suppose to allow them to make me feel like fucking shit because I have to WORK on their bday?)

    All I want to do is love, I love love, love is amazing, love is great, love is HAPPINESS, everything I want in life I can find in love, yet nothing to love. I've grown weary of all my hobbies and interests to the point that when I am not at work, I have headphones on and listening to music till I sleep reminiscing and trying to find more and more epiphanies to try and keep me motivated. I feel like it's all been a waste with nothing good to show for it. I played video games non-stop all the time, and I hate playing video games, yet no one would think that with the amount of time I spend on them, but they take me away from reality for those couple of hours a day (Haven't played any in a while, the whole no interests and hobbies thing) and make me feel like anyone but myself.

    If you bothered to read all this, sorry for the length... I've been told I should write a book based off forums I have been on and stories I have told of my past, the good times I have had... I've had plenty of good times, but with people I know longer and can never be friends with again, which just adds to this whole not depressed depression. I honestly feel like I Don't do anything wrong, but my way of life, my morals and love feel like it's too soon for this world.

    Thanks for the read, if I can't help myself, than I hope I can help someone else with my story here ... and this line is where I start crying lol.

    Peace and love my confused and lost friends, fight it until you can't fight no more ... than post on this forum for one last chance at hope.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi,welcome to the forum. You are at your lowest ebb at the moment. You finding it tough at the moment which totally understandable. I suggest that you text your mum with your true feeling like you have done here to say your sorry. This is what I first suggest rather than a face to face meeting. She will text back no doubt worried about you. Also tell her your are safe. Just tell her you said those words in the heat of the moment and did not really mean them.

    You sound like a nice person who has suffered a lot and deserve to live your life. Do not be hard on yourself. Perhaps some time on your own will calm the situation down. Do not be hard on yourself but just simple take one day at a time. I am glad you have joined this forum as people here will help you and not judge you. It might be worth you keeping a dairy of your emotions on how you feel about life. You are among friends here who do not like people suffering at. It's not a nice place to be at the moment. I hope these words help you and I hope you continue to post for care and support.

    By the way, it was not a long post but it helps you explain your crisis which took a lot of courage to post. Respect for that.
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hello and welcome to SF , though I am sorry for what has brought you here the same as tens of thousands before you. You have been kind enough to share a good deal about yourself and your situation and I will say I think you made some very good points, though there are also some very glaring counterpoints to some of your considerations. That is not criticism - it is from an issue that faces us all which is perspective. It is impossible with only one perspective (our own) to see everything and that is where places like this forum can come in handy . You get let people share some other perspectives with you so you are not trying to base your decisions from only one view. I was momentarily considering replying paragraph by paragraph to your post but was afraid the sheer volume of that would scare you so instead I will offer 3 simple thoughts.

    1. I never heard anything in there about REAL help - professional help with dealing with the many things you are facing with counseling or medications from professionals and relying on "help" that you have not even gotten from lay friends is a poor substitute for professional help. That is a huge omission from somebody saying they have tried everything to find love and true lasting happiness. Before you make an irreversible decision, you really should consider giving that at least try as the other alternative is always there.

    2. What waits in the "afterlife" is in fact an unknown - if you had mentioned deep religious beliefs I would understand thoughts of afterlife though I am unaware of any religion where suicide is the path to the happy afterlife - so what your feelings of the afterlife are apparently based on are simply hope it is something wonderful when it is just as possible that it is nothing but eternally alone and dark from your own knowledge and "hope" that it is something better rather than simply 1000x more alone and lacking of love than your current life is a huge gamble. There is possibilites here as you have seen - even if your longest relationship in the last few years is 6 weeks that means there are times of happiness and possibility - you do not need a relationship for true love and happiness with 7 billion people - you need it with 1 and with 7 billion people it sometimes takes a while to find that "one". I am sorry you did not find it yet but a goal to find your one and only true love before the age of 26 is really cutting yourself short when there is not even any sure bet it is a possibility "after".

    3. If you want to talk about these idea or others please reply here or simply pm me , I would be happy to discuss at length as well as other things that occurred to me reading through this. Maybe the extra perspective will give you some ideas- maybe your perspective will help me or others - but it is worth the try. Other options are always there so no need to hurry on that.

    Take Care and Be safe

    - Ben
  4. idontknow22

    idontknow22 Member

    Um, I just joined the forum too, & while reading your post, it struck me as amazing how similarly we're feeling right now. and ironically was just writing in my journal that all I ever wanted was love, I'm bursting at the seams with so much of it to offer, yet no one & nothing to offer it to. I understand more than you know--with the one way street thing. I'm not saying this vainly, but Ive never done anything bad to anyone, but am somehow always the one to get screwed in one way or another. Seems in life its either "screw or be screwed". I'm too nice, it somehow always sneaks up on me negatively. Thats why I havent been bothering with anyone anymore. Thus I have no one. Thus I joined this forum. As of recent, days seem to bring mania & nights bring suicidal thoughts. Talk about a bad point in bipolar. My meds need to be switched badly, but can't get an appointment for another month. but whatever I don't know. You, like myself, must distance yourself from those who negatively impact your life, which is even tougher when it's family, & believe me, I know because I deal with it. My brother hasnt spoken to my parents or anyone else in the family except for me, in 4yrs now. Its sad but its for the better. I wish we could just sit in a room right now & vent to each other. I don't know where youre located but its 4am here right now. Been up all night. Can you PrivateMessage me? Itd be nice to talk more.
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hey there, welcome to the forum. Don't worry about the length of your post, if you have things on your mind, then it's always good to let it all out. I can relate to so much of what you wrote--don't really get along with my mom, in fact she makes me even worse off than I already am. Sister seems to want nothing to do with me, friends forget about me unless they need something. Can't find love and doubt I ever will at this point. So I just wanted to say that you aren't alone in the way you feel, because a lot of us here have felt the same way. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to message me at any time, and I'll always be around to respond.
  6. UserName13

    UserName13 Member

    Thank you, because of you and the others I do feel a bit better. I can't text my Mom; she doesn't believe anything I say (Like when I said I love you and am very grateful for everything you've done, an she replies I don't) she tells me I put words in her mouth when I repeat what she says. I have learned to listen and remember, my Mom freaks out and unleashes adrenaline and speaks without thinking, she wouldn't be able to repeat on sentence she yelled at me but if I say something it's a lie. She's never understood my feelings, only her own, and telling me what to do based off her feelings when mine are different don't work well. She's not going to be out of my life forever, but she needs to learn that she can't say whatever she wants and expect me to come crawling back. I am an adult with my own life, feelings and needs, and they will not ever be the exact same as my Mom. She needs time away from me, she needs to know I can make my own decisions in life... though I guess feeling suicidal isn't the best decision, she's even given me crap for saying I don't want to live; you'd think she would be comforting, not using it against me to make herself feel bad. It's a very confusing relationship.

    I am very hard on myself, always. It goes along with the no self respect or pride. I('ve) hate(d) myself because everyone else seems to. I push myself away like everyone else, only I am stuck with myself which just puts me in a infinite paradox of being stuck with myself, trying to leave myself, and hating myself. I have at times gained self respect... I've actually jokingly bragged about it to a friend who has helped me in the past, but I seem to have lost that recently.

    All criticism is positive if you can look at it that way. Thank you for reading and the input. You could have made a point for every paragraph if you wanted to, I would have read it all and taken into consideration everything said.

    I have gone for professional help twice. First time they put me on meds that I stopped after a few months because it made me feel disgusting and as if I was living a 24/7 anxiety / panic attack. No psych that I have gone to see has ever talked to me, or given me a chance to explain my feelings. They've both just asked me dumb questions that have nothing to do with why I chose to go there, and than prescribe me drugs. I don't want drugs to make me feel better, I want advice and maybe a pat on the back when I overcome fears and problems.

    I am not religious, what so ever. The afterlife is an unknown and bizarre idea; how i was feeling was that even if the afterlife is total darkness and silence, it feels better than the alternative of being alone, rejected and put down. Both have me feeling darkened and in silence, but the "bad" choice of the two would prevent rejection, no one could turn me down because I've turned my back on the world. I still am and always will be intrigued by what is beyond our flesh, and all though I don't have the tendencies I had yesterday, I still feel like what's beyond our world is better off for me. A bit ironic, but I am against suicide, because no matter how horrible someone feels the people you leave behind will feel worse, but they still carry on.

    I have always be and will always be up for any conversations, whether people are doing what they can to help me or I am fighting all I can to keep someone with us. I have talked to "friends" in the past out of suicide, one was about a girl and the other was a stranger I never met until that day. I also sadly know the feeling of losing someone from this, a beautiful, loving little girl who was confused and made some bad choices at a young age. It wouldn't of been bad if she wasn't picked on for learning about sexual pleasures at the age she started at.

    Thank you for the reply. It's always a good feeling to know others have felt what I do and that I am not alone in the world of 7+billion, all though it saddens me that people do know how I feel, I wouldn't wish this loneliness among my enemies. I have had to deal with people that have bipolar, and I am sorry you have to go through with it. It's hard for people to understand the feeling if they've never experienced it, which they never can. I am not a fan of using medication to make me feel better but in some cases like your own, I hope it really helps you.

    It's a really rough and hard decision to leave family behind, in my case no one takes my side because everyone knows how understanding I am and they always do this because "I can get over it". They take advantage of the fact that I can push past feelings, but it's come to the point that I have been insulted by my entire families decisions and lack of responsibility as a family. They don't hesitate to call on me for help or reasoning but they quickly toss away any problem that occurs with me because I can do it on my own, and find out the reasons my own and learn to accept and live it it. I'm tired of just accepting these horrible feelings that loved ones should not put on a family member. I always thought family was suppose to be close, we are blood, yet i feel that only matters to me, yet from the perspective of the rest of my family, it's I who doesn't understand, yet I understand too much, too much that I need to separate myself from it all.

    I am always here if you need someone to speak to as well, despite my joining this forum to get my own help I have some sound advice myself that I have used to help 100's of people that have come across my life.

    Thank you, so much. How do you deal with it? How do you get past that fear of being alone forever, never experiencing the love of another girl (Or boy, no judgement, my closest friend(S) are gay, I am 100% straight and can never change, it's not a choice lol) knowing that she actually loves you. I always found myself telling myself that if you have a girlfriend, than you know at least one person out their needs you, otherwise she wouldn't be dating you. But I can't even get up to that point, I fear that any longer of this and any girl who sees me will just think I am broken goods, a waste of time to stay with me and get to know me to understand how amazing I can be to someone (Not trying to brag). I am craving that female touch, I would do almost anything just to hold a females hand, to be hugged. Doesn't help that most of my friends and family put me down and make me feel like crap, but now I have to take those emotions and try and make something of myself, some how start a family knowing how horrible a family really can be. I'm craving love, like nothing else, and this thought of never finding anyone is killing me on the inside. And I know someone will say "Just wait the right one will come", but those are just words, I have more proof that it won't happen than the people who say it will. Not to put anyone down who has said that but that's just like saying Alien's will one day take over the Earth, it can happen, just like me finding a girl can happen. It's that it hasn't happened yet, and coming up on my 4th year alone, I can't bare this feeling. I'm growing weary of only having a pillow to hold onto at night.


    Thank you everyone who has replied, I didn't know what to expect on here but I am very grateful and appreciative for everyone who gave my story a read and gave me some input. I do feel better, not to say I don't feel like I did yesterday, but it's still a step up and motivation to try and fight these unfair feelings a bit longer.
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I've been hurt so much already, I don't want to be hurt anymore, I guess that's why I've now switched myself off from the possibility of ever having a relationship. I thought I had finally found that, I was wrong again, so I'm done with it now. I guess that's why it's easy to distance myself from romantic feelings. I don't think you're broken goods, you seem like a really nice guy, and you deserve someone who sees the good in you. I'm sorry you haven't found that yet, I know how lonely you can be, but you deserve all of that and whatever else you want out of life.
  8. UserName13

    UserName13 Member

    Thanks witty; I'm sorry you have had to deal with and understand where I am coming. I would take all the pain in the world to be the only one that has it. I hope you're right, I hope I do find someone to love, to love me. 4 years this winter since my last gf, 26 years since an actual relationship. All my girlfriends have been flukes. I don't want to be alone, it's a waste of a good heart.
  9. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    It's a really hard decision to come to, but I feel like I need to do it, because it seems like no one understands where I'm coming from. I have too many issues and I just don't want anyone to have to deal with all of that. I don't think you'll be alone, because you're too good of a person for someone not to fall for you. So I wish you all the best of luck in love and everything else good in the world.
  10. UserName13

    UserName13 Member

    I no longer have a place to live, a job, a family, a place to go or money. I'm now considering ending it before I turn into a bum on the streets. There's no one for me to talk to about this. It's either I become gay because gay people have offered me money for sex... but im straight, and if I ever did any gay sexual acts I would not be able to live with myself and kill myself. Or I just end it. I donno what to do. I try so hard to make my life better but in 26 years that has failed. I'm tired of this, tired of trying and tired of apparently never making one right choice in my life. I have nothing to do or look forward to. I once again feel like death is a bettet place for me.I can no longer couch surf and have no respect or pride in myself left.

    I guess I'm wondering why should I continue any further. It's just pain for me. I feel like im going to snap and start murdering people, which sounds fucked but why should I care. I am nothing, I have nothing, forever asleep sounds much more peaceful.
  11. UserName13

    UserName13 Member

    Looks like no one has anything to say about this. Either no one cares anymore or no one has any words of advice; which is kind of what I wanted. Good bye.
  12. Kam1389

    Kam1389 Member

    It's not that no one cares, we do care. We are all reaching out for some crumb of comfort, wanting to be loved. It's thought to be the answer to all ills, we all need to feel that we matter. That at least one person makes us feel special and valued. I understand the loneliness that comes without that. Don't give up, there are people who understand and empathise with you.
  13. This isn't as high traffic a forum as one might expect. Personally, my excuse is that I just re-joined about an hour ago after a multi-year hiatus ;-)

    Your parents are dysfunctional. I have a fair bit of experience with dysfunctional parents. All 3 of my wives had them. I've seen first hand the toll it exacts.

    Your parents are also toxic and self-absorbed.

    You are still young and able to overcome and not let your parents define you. They have lost whatever right they had to do that, some time ago, IMO.

    I guarantee you that if you make the effort to get mental health assistance and to surround yourself with people who are good for you, that you can turn this around and feel infinitely better. Think about it ... you have had zero input into your life apart from your parents. NO parent has the right to say the things that have been said to you. NO ONE deserves to be spoken to the way you've been spoken to. When someone treats you in this way, they are selfish, petty and cruel. In particular, you need to get your Mom off the pedestal you've got her on. She is not a consistent or predictable source of support and love. You are on a fool's errand trying to please her.

    I don't have to be a mental health professional to tell you this. Don't base your actions in life on a couple of questionable witnesses. Start listening to others.
  14. UserName13

    UserName13 Member

    Thanks for the replies. I have no where to go or live. I'm going to my biological fathers house, gonna beat him until he's almost dead, because he is the root to all my problems, and than end my life, because jail is not for me. Sorry to anyone I let down, im done living on couches to be kicked out a week later. My phone is going to be deactivated soon so no jobs can get a hold of me. I'm done trying. Sorry, don't let my mistakes affect any of you. You're all stronger than I am. Best of luck to all of you. If I find wife before I end it I may come back on here; the only place I know im welcome.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 28, 2014
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