My apologies for not becoming apart of the community before needing to do what I feel is right. I am 26, and I no longer fear death, I have embraced it. My life begins with neglect, hate, abuse and being treated unfair and without reason from my father and older brother. The worse bullies I have had in my life are in my family. Since my latest memories I have been treated as such without being able to share my feelings in words that can be understood by the passively self-centered. My mother suffers from depression and anxiety, and it's such that has made my last few years living with her the worse feelings I have felt. Having to deal with these emotions and feelings of loneliness and the questions of "What the fuck do I do wrong?" my entire life feels like has taken it's last stand. I feel it's as if me having to deal with these emotions and being scared to be home that made me act different in public, at school. Every friend I have don't seem to care about me; I've gone through literally 100's of friends, all to end the same. I do everything I can to make my friends smile, feel good, whether it's joking, sharing, or just showing my appreciation for their friendship by being around them, but this is one way only. I've yet to find anyone who gives a shit about me, and it's not that I am "depressed" around people... I smile, joke, talk and laugh much more than everyone else, with largely scattered moments of being silent and unreadable. I'm sick of being told to message people to hangout, only to be ignored or denied. I've always told myself that all I need to be happy is a girl who loves me as much as I her, but this has proven impossible. I'm not ugly, people tell me i'm "cute"; I am very easy to talk to, I have excellent advise for anyone in any situation and I am not scared or ashamed to show how I feel with always keeping in my what I say to make sure I don't put anyone down. I'm a lover with no one to love. I have too much love to give and too much self hate to help myself anymore. I recently was kicked out of my Mom's house 8 days ago because I wouldn't talk to her. Our last conversation was about me looking for another full-time job while STILL having the one I have and not quitting until I find another one. My mother did not like this and freaked out on me, outside, in public; day time, with people walking around with their dogs and children. My mom has done so much for me and has helped me tremendously, but her last words to me that I listened to were "I don't love her, and I am ungrateful for everything she does for me". This is untrue, and I say that to all of you, my friendly strangers, that from the bottom of my heart I DO love my Mom and I am more grateful for what she has done for me than words or actions could explain... but her telling me I don't, set me off. I use to have dreams for YEARS and YEARS as a child, teen, young-adult and now of someone passing away in my family, and I would wake up bawling my eyes out. No one understands how it feels to have these feelings, to know this sadness, loneliness... I've always told myself things will change, I'll meet friends who care, a girl to love and appreciate who is trustworthy, but I can't keep this wait up anymore, and the longer it has taken the worse I feel, and the worse I feel the less of a chance I will find someone who doesn't think me as "Crazy, depressed or unstable". In my pre-teen days, lets say 12, I was sick of being home 24/7 after school and hated being home, I wanted to be any where else. I attempted to chock myself as I tied my bathrobe rope around my bunk bed and around my neck. I pulled hard still standing trying to chock myself; I felt the blood rush, the light headedness, but I didn't continue. My mother later questions why my neck was so beat red and scratched, I told her it happened taking off a shirt that got caught. Since that day I have always felt like I would leave this world on my own decision but always tried convincing myself I never would, and for the most part I had convinced myself that I wouldn't, still having in the back of my mind that I might. I moved 2 hours away from home, without telling any one in my family, they have no idea where I am and have only gotten 1 text from my mom saying "She's sorry I felt like I had to leave the way I did" and that "She loves me". Funny, Im being kicked out for not wanting to talk to her because all she does is put me down and make me feel worse, yet she's sorry I had to leave like that? She kicked me out for not wanting to talk to her, what other way am I suppose to leave? If I talk to her, being kicked out is redundant. It's hard for me to keep a job, no matter what it is I always feel so drained and full of hate. I always thought it was because I worked as a cook (Which I never wanted to do but the only jobs I Could ever find) so when I found a new job as a Customer Service rep for moblie phone, I felt happy thinking that I may have found a place I could stay at. After my Mom freaked out on my because I couldn't stand doing customer service and talking to random strangers for 8 hours a day, any time I went back to work I'd just hate myself, and felt this anxiety and adrenaline run through my body that wouldn't allow me to pick up the phone and put on that bullshit customer service voice where I always have to sound happy. I wasn't happy; I'm not happy. After I moved away 8 days ago I found another job, working in a bakery factory 12 hours a day 5 days a week. A labor job, something I always wanted and felt like I could do being physically in shape and all. Half way through the shift I started feeling the same I do at every job, than had that "not want to work here" feeling. Than I realized... it wasn't the jobs I was at that I hated, it was me, my life, the world. I've realized I no longer want to try anymore when every time I have has ended in failure, rejection... And now I sit here, pretty certain I am going to kill myself very soon; which sounds really bad when you say it like that, but what if it makes me the happiest person in the afterlife? We have no idea what happens after death, and that thought alone makes it seem worth it to kill myself rather than live here where I know I will feel this way for the rest of my life. Insanity is doing the same things over again expecting different results; so what's it called when you try doing everything you can and still get the same results? Friends who don't really care, talk to me, ask me to hangout, reply to my texts / calls. I'm only called on when that person needs something, like a ride. I can't tell you the amount of friends that have said to me "*name here* where have you been? I thought you were dead?". Yet... they didn't think of messaging me on their fucking phones that they use 100+ times a day? or maybe reply to one of my numerous messages so I don't feel like a big bag of shit that is ignored and not wanted. I don't know what to do, I freaked out on a female friend I have always been passionate about because she sent me a picture of a guy kissing her at a bar saying "she didn't know she sent me that, she sent it to everyone". Even her, the female who I feel the most for doesn't even care about me... granted she messages me, but i have to message her. If I don't message her for a month, we don't talk for a month, if I message her twice a week, than she replies twice a week. but it's all me, and it makes me feel like I am the needy one (Which with the lack of love and respect I get, I kind of am). But if I say how I Feel to her our friendship will end, kind of like how it did last night when I told her how I feel and how my life is, she decided to not respond. Now I feel nothing. I have a younger sister who I would do and have done everything for her, I've put my life on hold and didn't move out west to start a life where there are jobs because she didn't want me to leave her, she loved me too much to bare me leaving. Now, she doesn't feel that way. Hardly talks to me or acknowledges me, I have to talk to her to get any reply out of her (Kind of like all my "amazing" friends <- sarcasm) and now I feel like she doesn't see me as that special brother who she never wants to leave. She decided that she is moving ACROSS THE FUCKING WORLD next year, just like that. Am I going to stop her? No, Does she realize that I have not done what she is going to do because she wanted me to stay? No. Yet she can so easily get up and fuck off across the world without a second thought of who she is leaving behind, yet I have changed my whole life for the worse to stay here with her because we use to be the only people who understood eachother. But now that I have made our mom upset, she holds it against me, and no longer sees me as anything other than someone who's purposely trying to upset our Mother, and her love for our mom trumps mine, making me look like the bad person here. Yet I am the one that ACTUALLY thinks about everyone and their feelings, but I am the one that always have to make the decisions and it's always my fault when bad times happen because no one understands me or bothers to take the time too, but I would drop everything and anything for anyone to help them not feel like I do. I told my gay friend (I am 100% straight, just saying) that I am contemplating suicide. He tells me I'll find someone to love, yet 3 years since my last girlfriend, longest relationship is 6 weeks. I find the lottery easier to win, and I don't gamble. This isn't something for attention, this is something I feel is the best choice for me, and those around me. Why force people to have me in their life if they don't want me; I thought moving would help, and granted it's only been 8 days, I feel lonelier now than ever, and going back won't change that... I'll just be closer to the loneliness. One reason why I never committed suicide yet is because people have had and do have a worse life than me who fight through it all with every struggle and have not and will not end their life. But the way I see it now, is I am too alone to bother with life anymore. Why live alone in a world with 7+ billion people when I can find the answers to life, behind the after life. I feel empathy for anyone who has lived a life like mine or worse, people who have gone through deaths, sickness, health issues but still manage to find a way to carry on. I can't anymore, I don't want to... I've cried so much thinking about this that I no longer fear it, I want it. My curiosity to "Is there a better life beyond this one" is over-powering any love I have for anyone in this world. I feel like it's too late to change me, to make me actually happy with self-respect... I don't do anything wrong to people, I don't hit on girls and try fucking everything that walks. I talk to people, I ask about their life and show interests in their interests, but once again, that's a one way street. I feel like I am days away from suicide, and I don't fear it. I never wanted to make everyone in my life feel that shitty feeling people get when someone "close" commits suicide, and even though I'd be dead, my living self couldn't accept that, and so here I am, still pulling myself through life one bullshit even after the other. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>, I can't think of a more peaceful, painless way to go. Considering I don't have any tears running down my face as I type this, it makes me feel like this choice is more for me than even before. I am not sure what to expect out of this post, I've never been on a suicide forum; didn't know they even existed until I Googled "Painless ways to kill yourself" and stumbled across this site. I am currently living at an old friends uncle's house (My old friends dad is still someone I talk to and visit and he lives alone, he got ahold of his Sister who I never met and they took me in 8 days ago to find a job and start a new life) Which I am very grateful for, I tell them that every day and show my appreciation by having conversations with them and joining in when I am invited, which seems to be always. Though this is not enough to make me want to live, They are one of the loveliest 70+ year old couple I have ever seen. I have reviewed in my head over and over what I can do... and as I type this the couple I live with now told me they are out for the day an they'll be back later, which makes me feel like this is the perfect time to pack all my stuff and end my life without having to leave all my stuff at someone's house who doesn't deserve to live through what I feel like I am about to do. I don't know what else to say... I've even said good-bye to a friend (I know I said I have no friends, there are a couple I have... and not to be greedy, but it isn't enough because my life is still all about them in their eyes, It's not about how I feel, it's what they want when they want. I couldn't make it to a friends b-day party and he got mad, yet they've never even said happy birthday to me, but I am suppose to allow them to make me feel like fucking shit because I have to WORK on their bday?) All I want to do is love, I love love, love is amazing, love is great, love is HAPPINESS, everything I want in life I can find in love, yet nothing to love. I've grown weary of all my hobbies and interests to the point that when I am not at work, I have headphones on and listening to music till I sleep reminiscing and trying to find more and more epiphanies to try and keep me motivated. I feel like it's all been a waste with nothing good to show for it. I played video games non-stop all the time, and I hate playing video games, yet no one would think that with the amount of time I spend on them, but they take me away from reality for those couple of hours a day (Haven't played any in a while, the whole no interests and hobbies thing) and make me feel like anyone but myself. If you bothered to read all this, sorry for the length... I've been told I should write a book based off forums I have been on and stories I have told of my past, the good times I have had... I've had plenty of good times, but with people I know longer and can never be friends with again, which just adds to this whole not depressed depression. I honestly feel like I Don't do anything wrong, but my way of life, my morals and love feel like it's too soon for this world. Thanks for the read, if I can't help myself, than I hope I can help someone else with my story here ... and this line is where I start crying lol. Peace and love my confused and lost friends, fight it until you can't fight no more ... than post on this forum for one last chance at hope.