Isn't that great? People (ie mental health professionals) aren't generally worried about me because although I think about suicide all the time, because I have no plan and haven't really thought about methods, people aren't concerned. Because although I feel like sh!t most of the time, I've been in a good place lately, and most services are open for those times when you're struggling - not, as I would like, to get to the root of those causes when I'm feeling stronger and more up for it. I went for an assessment at a talking therapy clinic today. My anxiety and depression scores are moderate, because in the last two weeks, I've felt generally okay. Although she acknowledged I had "a lot of pain there" from the history she took from me, she's reluctant to allocate me to a therapist there (and these aren't free therapists either - I'd be paying to talk to someone). Although I mentioned to her my tendencies towards unstable mood, trust issues, borderline traits, low self esteem, she's not overly concerned for me. So her recommendation is I continue on with my online CBT course, then start the face to face one, if the waiting list for that's not too long. Although I told her I wasn't sure if CBT is the right way to go for me - it's all well and good learning how to control negative thoughts, but what I want to figure out is the root cause of those negative thoughts in the first place - isn't that what counselling is for? But I can't do both at once. She recommended trying to get a full psychiatric assessment at some point, to give me some answers. The idea of this scares me a little - but not because I think it'll come back and give me any diagnoses. More because I think it will come back WITHOUT any diagnoses. Because I'm generally high-functioning, because I can hold down a job and pay my bills on time, I doubt I would meet any strict criteria for any disorders. And in a way that's great - hey I'm not sick, I have nothing to worry about. But in another way it sucks - WHY do I feel the way I do if there's nothing actually wrong there? Suicidal ideation is NOT normal, and yet, it's always there in the back of my mind. But because I could give her a fairly accurate, coherant background, and have no immediate plans to end my life, she's "not that concerned talking" to me. I just want to figure out why I feel this way. Why I can't trust like a normal person. Why someone can say something so seemingly meaningless to them that cuts me to the quick. Why I have all these walls and barriers that don't seem to come down. Why I can go from happy one minute to seething with rage the next over tiny details. I want to know what's normal, and I want to be normal. But apparantly I can't do that for another six months while I finish up learning how to control my thoughts, instead of figuring out why they're there in the first place. I feel blue. I want someone there that can give me a hug at the end of the day, but until I learn how to trust and learn not to take things so personally that's not going to happen. So I remain blue.