not sick afterall

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by black_rose_99, Mar 8, 2011.

  1. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Isn't that great? People (ie mental health professionals) aren't generally worried about me because although I think about suicide all the time, because I have no plan and haven't really thought about methods, people aren't concerned. Because although I feel like sh!t most of the time, I've been in a good place lately, and most services are open for those times when you're struggling - not, as I would like, to get to the root of those causes when I'm feeling stronger and more up for it.

    I went for an assessment at a talking therapy clinic today. My anxiety and depression scores are moderate, because in the last two weeks, I've felt generally okay. Although she acknowledged I had "a lot of pain there" from the history she took from me, she's reluctant to allocate me to a therapist there (and these aren't free therapists either - I'd be paying to talk to someone). Although I mentioned to her my tendencies towards unstable mood, trust issues, borderline traits, low self esteem, she's not overly concerned for me.

    So her recommendation is I continue on with my online CBT course, then start the face to face one, if the waiting list for that's not too long. Although I told her I wasn't sure if CBT is the right way to go for me - it's all well and good learning how to control negative thoughts, but what I want to figure out is the root cause of those negative thoughts in the first place - isn't that what counselling is for? But I can't do both at once.

    She recommended trying to get a full psychiatric assessment at some point, to give me some answers. The idea of this scares me a little - but not because I think it'll come back and give me any diagnoses. More because I think it will come back WITHOUT any diagnoses. Because I'm generally high-functioning, because I can hold down a job and pay my bills on time, I doubt I would meet any strict criteria for any disorders. And in a way that's great - hey I'm not sick, I have nothing to worry about. But in another way it sucks - WHY do I feel the way I do if there's nothing actually wrong there? Suicidal ideation is NOT normal, and yet, it's always there in the back of my mind. But because I could give her a fairly accurate, coherant background, and have no immediate plans to end my life, she's "not that concerned talking" to me.

    I just want to figure out why I feel this way. Why I can't trust like a normal person. Why someone can say something so seemingly meaningless to them that cuts me to the quick. Why I have all these walls and barriers that don't seem to come down. Why I can go from happy one minute to seething with rage the next over tiny details.

    I want to know what's normal, and I want to be normal. But apparantly I can't do that for another six months while I finish up learning how to control my thoughts, instead of figuring out why they're there in the first place.

    I feel blue. I want someone there that can give me a hug at the end of the day, but until I learn how to trust and learn not to take things so personally that's not going to happen.

    So I remain blue.
  2. ConfusedSilence

    ConfusedSilence Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean. This is why I'm scared to go to the doctor about how I feel. I hope that you get somebody to talk to. Feel free to PM me whenever.

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    she is not a psychiatric doctor go to someone who can diagnose you properly okay who can and will give you the help you need hugs
  4. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys for your replies,

    TE - I am considering the psychatric evaluation that the therapist spoke about - again I need to wait until the CBT course is done with, OR until I know if I'm accepted to the talking therapy - they may be able to organise a psychiatric evaluation there too. But again, it scares me more to know nothing is wrong with me than it would to find out if something IS wrong. If something's actually wrong, then there's a reason for why I think the things I do. If nothing is wrong, then I have to face the fact that I guess I'm just built badly - that there's no reason for me to feel this way and therefore no therapy that can help, and I'll just continue on feeling badly. It would almost be as if it's not just myself telling me to "get over it" but also professionals telling me to "get over it" and I think I'm too sensitively built to be able to handle that.

    CS - I'm sorry that you're scared for the same reasons. It's a really hard limbo place I think - although I sit here and complain about trivial things while everyone else is going through so much, still those trivial things affect me. I just want to know WHY they affect me. I'm happy to admit my depression is mild and there are no personality or major disorders wrong. But I'm only happy to admit that if someone can then give me reasons for not being able to trust, for wishing I was dead etc. Only, if I admit my depression is mild, then I may as well give up on these boards so I don't waste the resources for people who need it more than I do. And also my PM box is open for you too any time!

    Urgh, sorry to you both - that kind of came out much more than I expected it would - trivial as always!!!!
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are who you are and knowing is better than not knowing because either way you need help and when the assessment is done the doctor will give you the treatment that will help you meds therapy but at least you will hve some answers I hear DBT is excellent dialetical behavior therapy as well CBT is good too both help many mental health illnesses hugs to you
  6. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks TE, answers would be great, and my next port of call if CBT doesn't work will be DBT. Am trying to be very open minded about everything!

    Hugs and thanks once again for your support xx