not so good -- Possible Trigger!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ema, Apr 28, 2012.

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  1. ema

    ema Antiquities Friend

    not doing too well. i've been thinking of guns for two weeks now. i've never done this. ever. i've never even touched one. and last night, i dreamed about them. well, you know what i mean.

    i feel so alone. nobody to actually talk to. i can't tell anybody this. i can't be sent to the hospital because i can't afford it and because i would then be removed from my doctor, who is the one person who can help me. i left a phone message for him yesterday, but he never answered and i'm too afraid to call him back and way too afraid to make an emergency call because then he'll put me in the hospital.

    i'm tired of life. i've done everything wrong. i loved the wrong person for 25 years. and now i'm old and ugly and nobody is ever going to love me the way everybody wants to be loved. nobody will ever give me a present again. that hurts, even though i know i'm not supposed to think about it. it's greedy. but, my family doesn't give me any. and nobody else knows i have a birthday, much less when it is. and nobody gives me a cake. and christmas and easter, well, that's absolutely gone now. why does it hurt so much?

    i guess because i feel completely forgotten now. just like growing up. the only time i was remembered then was when i made the mistake of getting noticed. always the good one. didn't work, though. always stubborn and every other bad thing, too.

    i just want somebody to actually love me. to think i'm funny and interesting. somebody who would actually think of me in the middle of the day. somebody who would give me flowers or see something in the store and think of me. or see something in a magazine or newspaper or book and think of me.

    it hurts to be hated. it hurts to be made fun of. it really hurts. i would rather not be than to hurt like this all the time. just knowing they make fun of me makes me cry. and to be somebody that mark as bad and cruel and mean and a person to be avoided. all that hurts so much i can hardly stand it. i cry all the time.

    i've tried so hard to be a good, gentle person. not at all what they say i am. i don't want anything in life but to be good and gentle and kind. especially kind. i don't even smush bugs, i just ask them to re-locate to outside and help them move.

    but that's the kind of thing they make fun of. they think it is sexy for women to use guns and rifles. i'll never be like that. why would i want to shoot a watermelon? what's it ever done to me? it's just not who i am. and why is that so bad?

    and why does my faith have to be so bad? why do they tear me up for that? so it's not "christian." i just believe in god. but, because i believe, that makes me weak and stupid and hypocritical? i don't understand that. i don't think i am. i want to be a person of integrity, sombody the god i know would be proud of, if i wasn't such a failure. i want to live a life that would make god smile. that's not the same for each person, but that's all i want. what's so wrong with wanting to make god smile? so maybe god smiles because i'm a loony bird, i don't care, a smile means there is caring there.

    i know god doesn't love me. i can't fix that. i was a mistake. i've known that all my life. a big boo boo. but why do these people have to make me hurt because of it? i already hurt because of it. nobody wants to be a boo boo. god be-gets his creation, but for some reason, he turns around and for-gets some of us. me, because i am just bad i guess. but it hurts all the same, whatever the reason.

    i wish i had someplace safe to go. someplace where i could be safe but have access to my doctor. hosptial is a terrible place for me. they don't know how to deal with us and they lock us away from our doctor. and we can't afford it. i wish i knew what to do. we have nobody to talk to. and we're so lonely. and we hurt so badly. but, if he hears us cry, he gets even more angry. there's no place safe and no place to talk to somebody. they would just lock us up. i wish i knew what to do.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Please don't think about a gun. Read up on Seinfeld actor Daniel von Bargen. That may help you realize that is NOT the thing to try.

    Like you, I would not hurt a fly. I have been a vegetarian for over 30 years for that very reason. Guns do not kill things, people do. They are tools just like hammers, and sports just like darts or baseball. That said, we must respect them - but also we must learn lessons from things such as the case that I mentioned up above.

    What I find rewarding in my life, and I will share because maybe it can help with yours, is helping others. I volunteer a lot. I used to do the photography for Special Olympics. Now I have shot a lot of great things in my day from models to actors to products for advertising... but the most powerfully emotional things I have ever captured were photos during Special Olympics events. These are incredible young people against all odds making an attempt to achieve, and that is heart warming. Have you considered giving of yourself to charities? Helping feel the hungry, or mentoring orphaned children, or helping with abandoned or abused animals/pets? There is a lot of reward in those types of things.

    If you look for love, it will feel hopeless sometimes... but other times when you least expect it you may find someone who cares. I hope you will seek out some things where you can help yourself while helping others, and through that perhaps meet other caring people to befriend or more.
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    great reply pwa -

    Hellow ema, I'll be your friend, for sure, honey! I can relate to a lot of what you write. I absolutely know you're wrong though about God not loving you. You feel that he doesn't, and the 2 are not the same. We are feelings creatures, created in His image - so that means He feels too. And it's impossible for Him to lie (otherwise He would not be a god worth believing in). He feels for our condition of being separate and not knowing him very well - and letting our thoughts and feelings get in the way somewhat negatively. But He does love you ema, even when we think he doesn't. His is the love your heart longs to feel nearer than you feel it at the moment. Are you able to attend church? Have you had a bad experience of church at all that makes you wary, or has contributed to how you're writing?

    You can PM me any time if you'd like to - to talk it all through :)
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    *herds your duckies to you!*

    My ema! :hug:

    I wish there was something I could do. Do you have enough money to get away from that man in your life? I hope so. Let me know if you need any help, because you should be able to be loved. Your duckies love you to pieces! *pats duckies on the head*
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Who makes fun of you, Ema?
    Firstly, I will be honest and so I do not believe. But why do you believe god does not love you? He sees in you someone who tries their best, who does not hurt people or animals. Why would he, or indeed you think of you as bad?

    As for presents - you are right, no-one is supposed to think like that as adults but I do, and I bet lots do. It is as you say because its nice to be shown that someone thinks about us.
    Why does he get angry when you cry? Is it because he cannot help you, making him feel powerless?
  6. kmj221

    kmj221 Well-Known Member

    ema- I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I do hope that you get away from your situation very,very soon. I hope that you find strength to talk to your doctor. Know that we all care and are here for you when you need us. Kim *hug
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