not doing too well. i've been thinking of guns for two weeks now. i've never done this. ever. i've never even touched one. and last night, i dreamed about them. well, you know what i mean. i feel so alone. nobody to actually talk to. i can't tell anybody this. i can't be sent to the hospital because i can't afford it and because i would then be removed from my doctor, who is the one person who can help me. i left a phone message for him yesterday, but he never answered and i'm too afraid to call him back and way too afraid to make an emergency call because then he'll put me in the hospital. i'm tired of life. i've done everything wrong. i loved the wrong person for 25 years. and now i'm old and ugly and nobody is ever going to love me the way everybody wants to be loved. nobody will ever give me a present again. that hurts, even though i know i'm not supposed to think about it. it's greedy. but, my family doesn't give me any. and nobody else knows i have a birthday, much less when it is. and nobody gives me a cake. and christmas and easter, well, that's absolutely gone now. why does it hurt so much? i guess because i feel completely forgotten now. just like growing up. the only time i was remembered then was when i made the mistake of getting noticed. always the good one. didn't work, though. always stubborn and every other bad thing, too. i just want somebody to actually love me. to think i'm funny and interesting. somebody who would actually think of me in the middle of the day. somebody who would give me flowers or see something in the store and think of me. or see something in a magazine or newspaper or book and think of me. it hurts to be hated. it hurts to be made fun of. it really hurts. i would rather not be than to hurt like this all the time. just knowing they make fun of me makes me cry. and to be somebody that mark as bad and cruel and mean and a person to be avoided. all that hurts so much i can hardly stand it. i cry all the time. i've tried so hard to be a good, gentle person. not at all what they say i am. i don't want anything in life but to be good and gentle and kind. especially kind. i don't even smush bugs, i just ask them to re-locate to outside and help them move. but that's the kind of thing they make fun of. they think it is sexy for women to use guns and rifles. i'll never be like that. why would i want to shoot a watermelon? what's it ever done to me? it's just not who i am. and why is that so bad? and why does my faith have to be so bad? why do they tear me up for that? so it's not "christian." i just believe in god. but, because i believe, that makes me weak and stupid and hypocritical? i don't understand that. i don't think i am. i want to be a person of integrity, sombody the god i know would be proud of, if i wasn't such a failure. i want to live a life that would make god smile. that's not the same for each person, but that's all i want. what's so wrong with wanting to make god smile? so maybe god smiles because i'm a loony bird, i don't care, a smile means there is caring there. i know god doesn't love me. i can't fix that. i was a mistake. i've known that all my life. a big boo boo. but why do these people have to make me hurt because of it? i already hurt because of it. nobody wants to be a boo boo. god be-gets his creation, but for some reason, he turns around and for-gets some of us. me, because i am just bad i guess. but it hurts all the same, whatever the reason. i wish i had someplace safe to go. someplace where i could be safe but have access to my doctor. hosptial is a terrible place for me. they don't know how to deal with us and they lock us away from our doctor. and we can't afford it. i wish i knew what to do. we have nobody to talk to. and we're so lonely. and we hurt so badly. but, if he hears us cry, he gets even more angry. there's no place safe and no place to talk to somebody. they would just lock us up. i wish i knew what to do.