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Not sparkling anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by *sparkle*, Mar 18, 2009.

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  1. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    I don't know :cry: I got so low last night I was just ready to go. I feel such guilt, such shame, anxiety, fear, pain, and lonliness. I can't find a single thing in my life to keep that chin up and the big Ellie smile that everyone knows so well going.

    I've spent my life living it for other people. And when I try to live it for ME there is nothing there apart from emptiness. At the end of the day I would like to feel loved - as a person. I would like to feel important - I mean REALLY important - even if just to one person. I'm not sure that that can ever happen now.

    I NEED some human company - in person - just someone I can relax with, a real live person whom I can see breathing, living, laughing, talking. But I know that I'm not worth any of it too.

    So what? Wow... I kept going another night (and thank you to the people that talked to me and gave up their time to try so hard to help-you know who you are). But that is just one more night that I managed to struggle through - what happens the next night. And the one after that? And the one after that? I can't lean on people like this for ever, and I don't want to either. At some point very soon I will do what I have been planning, and in a strange kind of sense - it's not a sad thing - it is what I need and what I want.
  2. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Hey Sparks.....hang in there ok!

    Question for you though; How old are you?
  3. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    you dont need to sparkle all the time

    just dont lose your glow sweety!
  4. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    :( I'm 'early' 30's :( old enough now to know that at least for me it's not going to get better
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Well kiddo, and I can call you that, cause I am in my early 40's, you don't really know what is around the corner.

    I don't anyway. What is going on right now with you is that you are projecting. You are basing what is going to happen with you in the future by relating to what has happened in the past.

    The past is just that, the past. We can't change it and we can't dwell on it either.

    All we can do, you and I, a couple of singles, alone in the big ole world, is take each day on it's terms.

    I came on this board and thought I would be living under a bridge. And that was many months ago. I am still alive and kicking.

    And....I have had some really good days since back then. You will too.

    I know right now you can't see that. I know right now it hurts like hell. But there are better days ahead.

    Do you see a Doc? Have you talked with him/her about this?

    And....I can't stress this enough...if you are active in your suicidal intentions, then you need to call 911 NOW, or get yourself over to the nearest hospital ER and tell them you are ACUTELY suicidal, and then even tell them of your plan.

    You will be admitted for mental health care. And...you know what? Your mind will get to take a vacation. All of the burdens, all of the crap will be lifted away. While you are there, you will even learn tools on how to deal with life's terms. And then...when yiou are discharged, you will feel better in knowing that you can live life, and not have to go down that path again.

    And if you do get bad again, go back. They will tell you too.

    And if you ever find your way to Illinois, look me up!
  6. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    :cry: my docs only ever seem to be interested in my treatment with chemo and associated stuff. nobody actually ever seems interested in how I am - I tried to mention it last time - their reaction? "I'm not surprised you feel like that - you are having a very difficult time at the moment and are taking some very powerful drugs which are bound to affect you"

    I just don't feel able to go to the hospital and demand help for this. I just can't even find any hope in me anymore :cry:
  7. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Well that is ok. I will have hope for you.

    So...here's what ya gotta do.....if you can't physically make it down to the hospital, or......if you are too mentally exhausted to make it down there....and you are worried that you may do something to yourself...then you can pick up the phone and call 911.

    Reach out for help, PLEASE.....there are people that will help you. Reach out and grab their hands.

    Heck do it for me. I know you dont know me, but what if God has intended for us to be together one day?

    I don't mean to make light of your situation, but the point is, that we just dont know what is around the corner.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    How are you feeling today sparkle?
  9. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ...hi...checking in on you.....

    please let me know how you are doing honey.

    and....yes, you can keep reaching out, anytime you feel low. you have people here who care about you - that is what we do for each other.

    and you have helped me too...and you know what i mean......
    love and care for you xxx
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey ellie,
    I enjoyed our chat yesterday. You are a very couragoues woman with a big heart, and I am 52 so I can say things others can't because I am a senile ole fart...lol...Seriously though we had a nice chat and I want you to know that I am always here..Anytime your feeling down please contact me and I will get back to you as soon as I see it..
    I know for fact that you have friends who love you and I would like to be a friend also..You were brave enough yesterday to share what you are going thru with me.I want you to know I care and i'm reaching out to you..Take care and hope to talk to you soon..
  11. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    when you say emptiness .. how do you mean? There has to be something good about you - and whilst you do need human company, it's worth thinking of the good things about yourself as well. Is there anything you can do in order to meet other people? Maybe check out something like meetup.com and see if there's any groups that may suit you .. not sure.
  12. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member

    Hi Sparkle,

    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way, but your feeling physically and emotionally drained is perfectly understandable in these challenging circumstances.

    You mention that you dedicated yourself to doing things for other people, that you never do things for yourself and you believe you're not worth it. Actually, at least in my experience, many depressed people feel like this, including myself. The challenges for you sound like 1) developing self-confidence and a feeling of self-worth 2) getting yourself out there, getting support and making friendships, but so that it fits around your treatment and allows you to pace-yourself.

    I think this will all be possible in time. The first bit you have to try to overcome the belief that you are not worth other people's company. It's absolute nonsense. You sound like a really loveable, selfless, and courageous person.

    I assume you are undergoing treatment for cancer when you say you are having chemo at the moment. Have you thought about going to a cancer support group? I think that would be really helpful. If you're in the UK you can try McMillan http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Get_Support/Cancer_support_groups/Cancer_support_groups.aspx

    but otherwise I'm sure you'll be able to google for a local group. You aren't pressured to talk, you can listen and/or offer advice, or you can really let off steam, and it should be a really empathetic environment. Above all, perhaps you'll really be inspired by how others are overcoming their own challenges and apply it to yourself, and even make life-long friends.

    In the meantime, there are phone lines like Samaritans which are worth a try when you really feel desperate.

    Once you get over this phase in your life you will be able to do anything, it is absolutely true that you come out of these things a stronger person. The key is balance - and being less selfless and doing things for you too. Yes, you feel 'emptiness' doing things for you because you just haven't been doing so! Eventually you will find what things you enjoy, and hobbies that will enrich your life.

    Please keep going, you are amazing.

    All the best and keep us posted.:smile:
  13. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    Thanks for the replies - I really wanted to say that - I very much appreciate the time and effort you put in to reach out to me.

    I seem to swing from one day to the next and don't know how I will be feeling the next day or even the next hour. But - I DO find it very hard to talk to people about how I am feeling. The thought of a real life support group scares me stupid!

    Physically and mentally I am weak. Somehow I need to learn how to rebuild my strength. But I sometimes feel like I am drowning... metaphorically..

    There seems to be only so many times a person can pick themselves up. And I just don't have the strength to keep doing that at the moment. But somehow - I must.

    Thanks again for your kind replies.

  14. yin and yang

    yin and yang Member

    Sparkle, it is all to familiar for me because I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I have always cared for others more than myself, mostly in vain because these same people I live for don't have a shred of care for me when I need it. I'm lonely constantly. The guilt, fear, anxiety, is something I live with on a day to day and night to night basis as well. I have always yearned to be loved or even needed by one person, but my family doesn't care about each other, and all of my friends have died over the past 3 years, so I have no one. You are worth having someone to care about you, you do deserve it in my eyes. I think you are a great and caring person from what I can tell. I know the feeling of growing tired of living every day with the same things only progressively getting worse. I don't even know you and I care about you as a person very much so. Just hang in there please :)
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