I don't know :cry: I got so low last night I was just ready to go. I feel such guilt, such shame, anxiety, fear, pain, and lonliness. I can't find a single thing in my life to keep that chin up and the big Ellie smile that everyone knows so well going. I've spent my life living it for other people. And when I try to live it for ME there is nothing there apart from emptiness. At the end of the day I would like to feel loved - as a person. I would like to feel important - I mean REALLY important - even if just to one person. I'm not sure that that can ever happen now. I NEED some human company - in person - just someone I can relax with, a real live person whom I can see breathing, living, laughing, talking. But I know that I'm not worth any of it too. So what? Wow... I kept going another night (and thank you to the people that talked to me and gave up their time to try so hard to help-you know who you are). But that is just one more night that I managed to struggle through - what happens the next night. And the one after that? And the one after that? I can't lean on people like this for ever, and I don't want to either. At some point very soon I will do what I have been planning, and in a strange kind of sense - it's not a sad thing - it is what I need and what I want.