I crashed my car. Turned it over and parked it on its roof in a country lane. It was a total accident. Although I have thought about doing it on purpose, it was actually completely accidental. I had a complete sense of relief when I thought I was going to die. It felt amazing. It was almost disappointing to crawl out without a scratch or bruise on me. I spent a month remembering that feeling, and somehow it helped me to carry on, because it meant I knew there was an 'out', which would work, because I nearly had it. So I didn't have to take it, if that makes sense, like a safety net or something. I want to feel that relief again. But now I'm starting to forget what it felt like. I can't remember what relief is, so I can't even look forward to it when it comes (naturally or otherwise). I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say, or what I want to ask. Its not even that I feel more suicidal. I just feel more... empty. Can anyone understand?