not strong enough

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Malcontent, Jun 2, 2008.

  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Everything is a fight and I don't know if I can keep trying to be strong. Getting up in the morning is a fight, so is being sociable every day, walking for more than a few steps, breathing is a fight at the moment cos every breath causes pain. Even reading and writing is an effort. Yeah I'm thick, laugh it up. It'd be so easy to just give up and be the waste of space I know I really am. I can't ever take it easy for just 5 minutes. I have to be some perfect saint all the time. Can't I be weak for just one second? Can't I be stupid or angry or boring or think of myself for just a moment? Just like everyone else who gets forgiven for it over and over again. But oh no not me. I'm so fucking evil inside that I have to be perfect every milisecond or I'm not worth shit to anybody. I can't let down my gaurd, never ever ever. Without walls I'm weak, and if I'm weak I should be hurt so as to teach me not to do that again. Ridicule me, hurt me, never let up for a moment or I'll forget that I'm the bottom of the pile.
     
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :hug: - You are worth shit to me, and the rest of the people here matey. Not sure what's gone on, but, although you may not feel you can, I know that you can overcome this, and fight again.

    You take care - y'know where I am if you need to talk :)
     
  3. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Thank you Joe


    --
    I guess it's not enough to feel like shit. Even if I have a knife or a bunch of pills in my hand there's always someone else who's more important. People say they want to know what's wrong, they say they want me to open up. Well I'm open and my thoughts are bleeding out all over the floor, and it's like I'm invisible. I do the best I can for people, if someone comes to me needing help I'll do everything I possibly can. I've layed down and let people use me again and again, never give anything back to me. I'm just a way to pass the time until someone better comes along. I'm practice, try out all your best lines on me, see what it takes to make me trust you. Then use it on the one you really care for. I don't have a heart, I'm imperfect. Other people can fuck up as much as they like, it's part of their charm and they don't mean it. I must never do anything that other people don't like, if I do I'm deliberately being bastard, not in pain. If I have a rant like this I'm a weak whining attention-seeker, not in pain. And then people wonder why I don't trust easily, why I wait for someone's worth to be proven. Even then it's all lies, my barriers present a challenge. Don't break them down, you'll hate what you find underneath so much you'll try to kill it. I wont blame you either.
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Mal whoever has upset you..let it go. For your own peace of mind let it go. :hug: and don't let yourself be drained by others needs. :hug:
    Thanks for the text on Sunday that was sweet..cept my replying used up the last of me credit :whip: :mad: :laugh:
    Any news on the health front, have you been to the docs?
     
  5. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    It's not just one person though Terreh, it's everyone who I let get close. Everyone I care about leaves, so why should I care at all? But I still do.

    I went to the doctors yesterday, being referred asap and having blood tests next monday. On painkillers at the moment but still bleeding, looks like something inside has burst (I'll say more in private if you wanna know)

    *placates you with credit*
     
  6. Dragon

    Dragon Staff Alumni

    Mally, you know I love you to bits, and I'm not just saying that. It kills me to know you're hurting so bad and I can't do anything.

    I don't know if you trust me at all, but I want you to know that you can. I'm not the kind to leave someone high and dry when they're at their worst.

    From someone who isn't going anywhere :hug:
     
  7. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I hope I die soon, that's what everyone wants. There's not one good reason for me to stay alive, I'm not needed, I'm not wanted, I'm not important. Go ahead and laugh at how pathetic I am. I'll sign back in tomorrow and act like everything is fine, but inside I'll have killed myself just a little bit more. And by the time anyone notices that anything is wrong it'll already be too late. Doesn't matter anyway.
     
  8. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I'm a good for nothing piece of shit, sorry.
     
  9. Dragon

    Dragon Staff Alumni

    Not true, Mal. :sad:
     
  10. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Not true at all, matey :hug:

    -agrees with Fee-
     
  11. No_Angel

    No_Angel Member

    Hey:)
    I don't know you but it really hurts to read what you have written.I don't know how you feel because I've always been so self-centered and I really do not care about other people,I kinda hate myself for that.
    For long time I tried to hide how broken i was inside...time after time I lied to others that I'm ok..but it wasn't worth it,the pain grew everyday,i was sick of pretending..
    I want to be happy,no matter how people would be disappointed,no matter what they say...
    Why don't you try putting yourself first - after all it is YOUR life. You should give people the chance to see the real you.
    And you sound like a really nice guy , I'm sure there are people who will love you just the way you are:)