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Not suicidal, but spoke with my family....triggered

#1
I have been feeling a little better the last couple days. Anxiety still bad, but ok.
It was my mother’s birthday today. I texted her last night and called her today earlier.
we have been doing better, but I have low contact in that I do not like to talk to her on the phone often because her style is very different from mine.
I prefer to talk with my father. She does not like this and she tries to get between us.
I was the family scapegoat, my brother is the golden child.
I have changed the terms I relate to with them and it had been better. Also told them I didn’t want to talk to my brother after he did a shitty thing by dating a friend of mine and teller her stuff that got back to me. Pretty shitty cocky attitude from him, but I was never bad to him. I loved him and he really did a number on me with them.
so, I called her and because it was her birthday she decided ( like she does every birthday) that she’s gonna force me to talk to my brother without asking me. She feels entitled. He just goes along because the sun shines out his ass and he knows it get him favor.
She handed the phone to him saying she has someone she wants to say hi to me.
I was really nice and pleasant and handled it like an adult, but I’m left feeling bad.
Earlier today, she left me feeling guilty because I didn’t want to FaceTime right then after we talked for a good while. She just forces things and I feel guilty saying no.
So I said I’d call her tonight. I did and now I kinda wish I had not bothered to care about her feelings before. I was worried she woukd feel bad I only wanted to listen to her talk about herself, not be on camera.
Shes always been about what she wants, but especially on her birthdays.
thus is why I like texting. I know she will never change and I don’t need her to. I do love her, but I’m sad that I can’t be close with her.
Feels like she just doesn’t get it.
Theybwerecall together in the backyard for her party and I live across the country....

I know it’s not my fault, but they have made me feel so bad my whole life.
I have to not think about them or I get sad
I decided I won’t talk to her for a while and I will stop the nice texts as well.
I hope this doesn’t make me a bad person.
 

Walker

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#2
Hi,
Distancing yourself from people who make you feel bad doesn't make you a bad person.
Remember, though, that parents aren't around forever too so keep in mind that if she dies tomorrow you'll be pleased that you spoke with her, right? So if you don't message her for 3 months... 6 months.. a year.. whatever.. and then she just dies out of nowhere you might feel bad for not doing so.
She sounds selfish and a bit toxic. Parents seem to think that siblings should have a relationship with each other because from a parents point of view when they are gone the siblings will still have each other (even when those siblings know that's crap). Only you can decide whether calling is terrible for you. You're not the first to cut off contact with someone who makes you feel awful for any number of reasons. (I cut my parents off when I was much young for about 2 years and then my mother killed herself shortly afterwards)
I hope you work out a balance that makes you feel okay. You might try looking at some online support groups specific to this.
 
#3
Hi,
Distancing yourself from people who make you feel bad doesn't make you a bad person.
Remember, though, that parents aren't around forever too so keep in mind that if she dies tomorrow you'll be pleased that you spoke with her, right? So if you don't message her for 3 months... 6 months.. a year.. whatever.. and then she just dies out of nowhere you might feel bad for not doing so.
She sounds selfish and a bit toxic. Parents seem to think that siblings should have a relationship with each other because from a parents point of view when they are gone the siblings will still have each other (even when those siblings know that's crap). Only you can decide whether calling is terrible for you. You're not the first to cut off contact with someone who makes you feel awful for any number of reasons. (I cut my parents off when I was much young for about 2 years and then my mother killed herself shortly afterwards)
I hope you work out a balance that makes you feel okay. You might try looking at some online support groups specific to this.
Thank you. That’s pretty much in line with my values.
Sad for you that your mom took her life. Yes, that would be tragic if she passed and I hadn’t kept in contact.
I will feel better when I can be less emotional. Already realizing it’s my anxiety and giving power to old stories and roles.
Thanks for the wisdom. It’s what I would tell myself. Gotta work on that. Withdrawing from meds is creating anxiety, so there’s that.
Cheers!😊
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#4
Withdrawing from meds is creating anxiety, so there’s that.
Yeah that would definitely contribute to making you feel more edgy.
I can tell that you love your family and you feel torn between wanting to feel fricking sane and wanting to make them happy. Obviously your sanity should come first here so it's a balancing act of how much you can text (or call) and still retain that. I think you can find that once again.
 

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