Not super urgent, just feeling alone

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Oloriel, Feb 19, 2011.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone. I need someone to talk to, and I didn't really know where else to go, so I hope this is an okay board to post on. I'm not really in a crisis per se, I'm just alone. I'm also very apprehensive.

    My boyfriend came to visit me from China and was here with me for three weeks, and then we went back to China together for another week. I haven't been around SF for that whole month, but it's been okay anyway because I always feel better when my boyfriend is there to hold me. It was still hard - I had a few panic attacks, tried to suffocate myself on his pillow once, choked myself a few times, but he's always been very understanding and supportive, and he let me cry on him. I was ashamed of trying to hurt myself when he was near, like I shouldn't NEED to. I kept telling myself in the days before he came to visit that everything would be better when he was there, kind of like how I thought traveling to Japan would make my depression go away and I would be happy again. Of course it never does, and I was the same screwed up me I always am, even when he was here. I guess I just need to accept that nothing is going to fix me, I'm broken, but at least it helps a little to be near him. He's like duct tape - it fixes everything, but eventually it comes unstuck and you have to put more on. I have a lot of duct tape on me.

    I think my depression is harder to live with when I'm with my boyfriend, because I feel guilty that even though he makes me so happy, I'm still always crying and scared and I want to die. What right to I have to want to die when the man I love is there to hold me? But I think that's left over from my ex. Whenever I was depressed or scared, he would tell me that I shouldn't be, I had him. But just because he was THERE didn't make the pain go away. And it just made it worse because I felt like it was wrong of me to feel so empty even when someone was there. But he screwed me up in more ways than that, so I guess it's just to be expected that he hurt me there too.

    It's okay for me to hurt, right? Even though I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me, even though he was there to hold me, and even if he isn't now I can still call him on skype if I need to. I know I'm not truly alone, but I feel like I am. I want to curl up in my bed and die, I want to hide in my closet until I rot - I just feel so *unwanted* by everyone and the world, especially me. I hate having to live with myself, having to be this person, to look in the mirror and see me, or to hear my own thoughts in my head. I hate this person I am, and I hate that even if I try to change her, nothing gets better. I just want her to go away.

    I haven't cut myself in months, and I am beginning to go a little stir crazy in my head. I'm not sure exactly why I'm not cutting. At first it was because I had set a goal - no cutting before my parents come visit so my scars can heal and they won't ask questions when they're here. But now they've been gone two months, which makes roughly THREE months I haven't been cutting, and I don't feel proud or accomplished at all. I feel like I am only continuing not to cut out of a sense of obligation - well, I've made it this far, may as well keep going. But it's not helping! I want it so bad, but I am afraid to be that person again. And the stupid thing is that whether I cut or not, I HATE that person, I don't want to be that. If I DO cut, then it makes me weak and means that I am broken and screwed up, and I hate myself. If I DON'T cut, then I feel like I am denying the messed up person I really am and pretending to be all normal and happy, and I have no release from it, and I hate myself again. I don't know what to do with myself! I need to let something out, and I'm not sure how, and I'm scared to cut and feel like I shouldn't, but I'm seriously afraid that if I don't do something, I just might try to hang myself again to stop the pain. It's like there's this constant scream in my head and sometimes I can't sleep because of the noise. I hate silence, because I either can't escape the thoughts in my own mind, or because there ARE no thoughts and all I hear is the SILENCE, that eternal scream like I'm desperate for someone to hear me. If I do cut, I will be ashamed for breaking this three month record I never even wanted to make, but am I supposed to try to keep up the not-cutting at the price of my emotional pain? Should I just do it to feel better? Will I even feel better at all? Maybe cutting will make my emotional stress WORSE. I know I'll feel bad whether I cut or not, so I can't decide which is worse. And god, I just wish I could kill myself, but I promised my boyfriend, I promised I would try my hardest not to hurt myself, to do my best, and I don't even know what my best is anymore.

    I'm sorry. This is too long. But it felt good to say it, to feel like I'm talking to someone, even if no one reads this or cares. If you read all this crap, thank you, just for listening. To those of you who know me, friends from chat and threads - hi guys :hug: Missed you.
  2. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and fears.

    It seems that you feel as if you are not worthy of another's love, and you cutting yourself is a means of punishment for you deceiving them. The abstinence of cutting (self harm) causes guilt as if this undeserving side of you who is receiving genuine love from your BF is somehow taking advantage of him.

    We all deserve to find, know, feel, and live a life of love. I doubt this is anything people haven't yet told you. Still you need to realize that you DESERVE to accept the love another gives to you and not feel guilty about it. Also no one stays happy all the time, and crying, leaning on the shoulder of those that love you is what loved ones are for. Trust me in that a loved one wants to be there as a pillar of support, a bridge beneath your feet, and a roof over your head.

    Stay strong, and know the strongest of us still fail. No one is perfect, and those who expect perfection seek an impossible goal.

    I wish I knew what to say, I really do. I hope for the best for you :)
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Oloriel. I'm glad to hear that you've been able to resist the urge to cut. Hope you are managing okay. :hug:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just here letting you know i am listening okay and if you want to pm me go straight ahead hugs
  5. I thought i might post something although i dont know of how much help i can be.
    But your not the only one thats tried cutting, i did but gave it up as i have a phobia towards blood; yeahhh :/
    But my younger sister, who was 12 at the time, suprised my family when she was all cut up. My mom has attempted suicide by cutting many times. And its something thats a touchy subject with me.
    I just wanted to say i read your post and i hope your doing better
  6. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :hug: Is there anyone you can see about this? Do you have any councilors that may be able to be more help? I wish I could be of more help. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always PM me. Take care ok? Maybe try to find ways to let things out more positively when you don't have SF. I remember I would write a lot of poems or draw. Hope you feel better.
  7. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone. :hug: I know I haven't really improved recently, and I can't really talk to any therapists while I'm in Japan. I feel like I kinda just need to hold out until I go home. But that's a terrible feeling, because I don't *want* to go home, and when I did see psychiatrists and therapists I hated it. But I think I have tried to tell myself for too long now that I don't have a problem, that it's normal, that it will go away or get better on its own. It hasn't.

    I'm going out tonight. A friend of mine is here for the semester, and we're going to a club with her boyfriend and a friend of his. I am scared stiff that I will panic while I'm out around all those people and not be able to handle myself. So...wish me luck, I guess.

    Thank you for all your help. It means so much to me to be able to come here.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i hope all goes well with your friends and you have a great time relax okay just be you I do hope you get help soon though even if you pick up the phone and call your old therapist pdoc and talk to them that way. I know it will be hard but you need to start looking after YOU okay please. Let us know how the night went with your friends it might just be what you needed hugs
  9. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    On that night I had a panic attack, and I ended up not going out. -.- But we tried again the next week, and I made it through this time. I had a bit of an episode when a guy started hitting on me and I felt trapped and took a while for me to realize I could be assertive and tell him I wasn't comfortable with it, but I was already pretty shaken. I didn't get stronger until he was going in for a kiss. I'm glad I stopped him. But after that I spent the night dancing. It was nice. I felt like I was in a social situation where I wasn't really obligated to social-ize - no need to talk if I didn't want to.

    I'm not sure if I'm doing better now. I am definitely suicidal right now, and have been for a few days. I'm not sure what I should do in this moment - cut, go to sleep, take a bigger dose of meds? For now I'm sitting with my razors in front of me, watching a movie and pausing every so often to consider it. None of my friends are online - so I came here. I haven't been on SF as often as I used to, and it makes me nervous. Is not even SF able to help me through hard times, now? Why is it that when I feel alone, I don't even want to come to the one place where I know people can help me? I'm just so lethargic all the time.

    I wish someone would tell me it's okay to start cutting again. Or maybe I just need to cut *less* now. Like, I can cut now, and then maybe it'll be another three months until I do it again. That would be a step of progress, right? Do I really need to quit all in one go? And I still don't know *why* I'm not cutting. Probably because I hear from every side that it's wrong, wrong, wrong. But *I* want to do it. Why does it matter what anyone else tells me? But even I feel like I'm failing myself if I cut. I don't know what my own opinion is anymore.

    God. I'm going back to my horror movie. Maybe I'll cut and maybe I won't. That's pretty much my entire existence these days.
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Try your best to resist the urge to cut Oloriel, no matter how hard the urges get. :hug:
  11. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hope you and your family are safe in light of the quake...please let us know..J
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