Hi everyone. I need someone to talk to, and I didn't really know where else to go, so I hope this is an okay board to post on. I'm not really in a crisis per se, I'm just alone. I'm also very apprehensive. My boyfriend came to visit me from China and was here with me for three weeks, and then we went back to China together for another week. I haven't been around SF for that whole month, but it's been okay anyway because I always feel better when my boyfriend is there to hold me. It was still hard - I had a few panic attacks, tried to suffocate myself on his pillow once, choked myself a few times, but he's always been very understanding and supportive, and he let me cry on him. I was ashamed of trying to hurt myself when he was near, like I shouldn't NEED to. I kept telling myself in the days before he came to visit that everything would be better when he was there, kind of like how I thought traveling to Japan would make my depression go away and I would be happy again. Of course it never does, and I was the same screwed up me I always am, even when he was here. I guess I just need to accept that nothing is going to fix me, I'm broken, but at least it helps a little to be near him. He's like duct tape - it fixes everything, but eventually it comes unstuck and you have to put more on. I have a lot of duct tape on me. I think my depression is harder to live with when I'm with my boyfriend, because I feel guilty that even though he makes me so happy, I'm still always crying and scared and I want to die. What right to I have to want to die when the man I love is there to hold me? But I think that's left over from my ex. Whenever I was depressed or scared, he would tell me that I shouldn't be, I had him. But just because he was THERE didn't make the pain go away. And it just made it worse because I felt like it was wrong of me to feel so empty even when someone was there. But he screwed me up in more ways than that, so I guess it's just to be expected that he hurt me there too. It's okay for me to hurt, right? Even though I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me, even though he was there to hold me, and even if he isn't now I can still call him on skype if I need to. I know I'm not truly alone, but I feel like I am. I want to curl up in my bed and die, I want to hide in my closet until I rot - I just feel so *unwanted* by everyone and the world, especially me. I hate having to live with myself, having to be this person, to look in the mirror and see me, or to hear my own thoughts in my head. I hate this person I am, and I hate that even if I try to change her, nothing gets better. I just want her to go away. I haven't cut myself in months, and I am beginning to go a little stir crazy in my head. I'm not sure exactly why I'm not cutting. At first it was because I had set a goal - no cutting before my parents come visit so my scars can heal and they won't ask questions when they're here. But now they've been gone two months, which makes roughly THREE months I haven't been cutting, and I don't feel proud or accomplished at all. I feel like I am only continuing not to cut out of a sense of obligation - well, I've made it this far, may as well keep going. But it's not helping! I want it so bad, but I am afraid to be that person again. And the stupid thing is that whether I cut or not, I HATE that person, I don't want to be that. If I DO cut, then it makes me weak and means that I am broken and screwed up, and I hate myself. If I DON'T cut, then I feel like I am denying the messed up person I really am and pretending to be all normal and happy, and I have no release from it, and I hate myself again. I don't know what to do with myself! I need to let something out, and I'm not sure how, and I'm scared to cut and feel like I shouldn't, but I'm seriously afraid that if I don't do something, I just might try to hang myself again to stop the pain. It's like there's this constant scream in my head and sometimes I can't sleep because of the noise. I hate silence, because I either can't escape the thoughts in my own mind, or because there ARE no thoughts and all I hear is the SILENCE, that eternal scream like I'm desperate for someone to hear me. If I do cut, I will be ashamed for breaking this three month record I never even wanted to make, but am I supposed to try to keep up the not-cutting at the price of my emotional pain? Should I just do it to feel better? Will I even feel better at all? Maybe cutting will make my emotional stress WORSE. I know I'll feel bad whether I cut or not, so I can't decide which is worse. And god, I just wish I could kill myself, but I promised my boyfriend, I promised I would try my hardest not to hurt myself, to do my best, and I don't even know what my best is anymore. I'm sorry. This is too long. But it felt good to say it, to feel like I'm talking to someone, even if no one reads this or cares. If you read all this crap, thank you, just for listening. To those of you who know me, friends from chat and threads - hi guys :hug: Missed you.