I've been on and off suicidal for about two years now I think. Maybe longer actually, but as I get older the suicidal thoughts become stronger. I did almost attempt it once in mid-2008, when I basically got fired from my first professional job for not talking enough. The reason I don't do it as because of hope. I hope that things will get better and I will be able to live a normal life, but it is just not happening. I have social anxiety and it has made me quite depressed a lot of the time. I get very lonely and everyday my mind is full of thoughts. I think about all the missed opportunities and regrets I have. I would just rather be dead than to have to live everyday with all these depressing thoughts. I'm very distant from my family and I am extremely jealous of other peoples life. I can't get close to anyone and it's just really hard having all these anxious thoughts. The other reason I don't want to do it yet is because it might really shock my family and friends and I just don't really want to stress them out...I wish I could just disappear. I'm a unemployed university graduate with no where to go in life. I've been doing job interviews for professional positions recently, but no success. I really don't want to be working a minimum wage job and the idea of it just makes me feel like a failure. I'm just so muddled up, I don't know where I fit in anywhere.