Not Sure About This

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by onediva1, Mar 5, 2014.

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  1. onediva1

    onediva1 New Member

    One, I don't know if this site is going to help and two, I can see where this site has a lot of potential for...self-absorption isn't the right word but I'm not sure what is. What I mean is, if all of us are in so much pain that we are willing to end everything to end it, then we want help with our own problem. Put more poetically, I'm not sure how much listening goes on when everyone is screaming. But here is my scream.

    Right now I should be getting ready for work. If I don't leave in the next 20 minutes there will be an exponential increase in my traffic time for every five minutes I leave after 5:30. It will take 30 minutes to make the drive. As I walk toward the building, the drum beat will start in my head. Worth-less, worth-less, worth-less, every footfall sounding to the outside like an ordinary crunch, but on the inside an endless litany of failure. I will attempt to get my classroom ready for the kids I know I'm going to fail. As I walk past people in the hall, I will smile and speak pleasantly, but on the inside I will wonder, "Do they know? Would they speak to me if they knew?" (The same thing happens when I pass strangers on the street. I see them walking and I think, "Can they tell I'm a failure? Does it show?" I bet I just look ordinary.) I might stand in line with other teachers, waiting to get my testing materials, and feeling like an interloper, like a wolf among the sheep, except that's not a very good image because the wolf is powerful and predatory. I'm more like a virus, or a poison pill. I will fold my arms in toward myself, trying not to contaminate others. The entire building might have a job as we do the mock testing, but I won't. I will sit in a room, babysitting a single non-testing child, knowing there is a logical reason for it, but still feeling as if there is an attempt to limit my contact to as few children as possible.

    I will work, and I will teach, and every week someone will come in and tell me why it's not good enough, and I will get a memo I have to sign, and someone will talk about all the interventions they have done trying to make me good at what I do (which I have been doing for the last seventeen years and often outstandingly) and then I will be told (without being told, because that would be illegal) that I am going to be non-renewed at the end of the year. And the worst thing is that I know they are right. I HAVEN'T done a good job this year, and the weaknesses they see are genuine. And I am starting to believe that all those good evaluations were just somehow getting lucky, like my stepbrother who has been a cocaine addict for 30 years and has NEVER gone to jail, despite the fact that he has repeatedly engaged in behaviors (stealing from his employers, stealing cars) that should have sent him there. So I know it is possible to fool people for a long time and I wonder if that's what I have done. And I look at all the times I have fallen short and not measured up and I see that there is something missing in me.

    Suicide is said to be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If I was killing myself because I am a failed teacher I would agree. But I am not a failed teacher. I am a FAILURE. That means that were I to change professions, I would only bring my defects, my toxicity, my fundamental inadequacy, with me. If the problem is permanent, which is my abilities or lack thereof, then the only solution which makes sense is also permanent.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your feelings of self worth is part of your illness that is treatable depression is treatable and if you were to get the right therapy the right medication then that thought of you being a failure would be eliminated You have been a teacher for a long time if you were a failure there would be no way you would still be there. What your colleagues don't see is that you are suffering and you need help and support. Talk to someone let them know how you are feeling time to take off the mask and get the help you deserve hugs
     
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Onediva1, I read this post with huge empathy - having been a teacher I know the pressures and I know the horrifying feeling that if you fail, you are not just failing yourself. I will say this: you state that you have been teaching for 17 years, often outstandingly. Your words. You know, under the negative self talk and the feelings of inadequacy, that you have been outstanding in your field. I know, and I think you know, how much of a difference that will have made to many many students.

    What has happened this year that has changed everything? Something, I assume, is different now. You didn't suddenly become "bad" at teaching - so I assume that there has been some illness/depression/circumstance/change that has led to this.

    You are not fundamentally inadequate and you do not lack skills. Seventeen years as an often outstanding teacher belies those statements completely. Being immersed in a problem often means it is impossible to view it with perspective. Talk to us - we can and will support you in figuring out steps to take to ensure that this is, in fact, a temporary problem.

    Feel free to PM me - stay safe :hug:
     
  4. onthewingsofaprayer

    onthewingsofaprayer New Member

    I know how it feels to be mentally abused. People do it to me all the time. It's hard to have confidence and positive feelings when so many seem to beat you down. :ballchain:
     
  5. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello Onediva1,

    Lemme begin by saying that you are not worthless. You are both a teacher and a student in this life. I am a mother and I know what is going on in the school system today. I personally home school my oldest. As a teacher I can relate to your feelings. I have had to change my teaching tactics and curriculum many times in this one year. I may not have a principle breathing down my neck, but I do have that invisible critic that whispers discouraging thoughts inside my ear. I have learned to just take it one day at a time. Some days one minute at a time. If you don't do it right the first time try, try again.
    The following is my personal belief and I hope that it doesn't offend you:
    I think the CCC is the dumbest thing ever introduced into the school system. Each child is unique and they all learn at different levels. I am very disappointed in the PSS. That is why I home school. From what I gather; you are not alone in feeling these anxieties from the CCC. Its NOT your or any other teachers fault in my opinion. Please do not blame yourself. People are fighting right now; parents and teachers alike, to remove that horrible ideal of a curriculum from the PSS.

    I know that most teachers become teachers, because they have a love for learning and teaching. Don't give up your passion! Don't allow these negative thoughts to rob you of being the best teacher that you can be. My heart goes out to you. You have my prayers as well. Blessings..
     
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    OTWOAP,

    Hi there. I hope you don't mind me shortening your name. :)
    I have survived mental abuse as a child. It is hard to cope because people's opinion can become your own inner voice if you let it. I should know. Please don't this happen. You matter and you are important in this life. We all are; otherwise we wouldn't be here. :hug: Blessings...
     
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