Not sure anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Growing Pains, Apr 7, 2014.

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  1. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    I can't currently focus enough to read through the tips. Half the time, I can't focus on anything anymore.

    I'm currently in crisis. I've spent the past two months trying to get an appointment with my psychologist. In March, I couldn't make it due to lack of transportation. This month, he retired. So, the appointment was cancelled. I have severe phone anxiety. They told my mom (I use her number for emergency contact) that I would have to call to be set up with a new therapist. But it was hard enough working up the courage to be open with the last one. Which I was planning on doing because I realize how bad off I am at the moment. Starting fresh? I don't know.

    I feel like I might make another attempt if I don't find help soon, but I'm not sure how to find help. My mind keeps racing with thoughts of ending it all. The only thing that can shut it up anymore is alcohol or pills. I don't know what to do anymore. I need someone to talk to, but in the past year, I've pushed most of my friends away. I have tried Samaritans before. I don't know. I found it to be the exact opposite of helpful. And with phone anxiety, hotlines are out of the question. I guess that's why I'm posting here. If someone - anyone - wouldn't mind talking.. I don't know.

    I just don't know anymore.

    The woman told my mom I could go in if I'm in a crisis. But I have no transportation until tomorrow. So, I figured I'd try reaching out somewhere in the meantime.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good to see you reaching out here if you are in crisis they will call an ambulance for you to take you to hospital where you can see a pdoc on call ok hugs
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You can talk to me if you like. I'm female and 25 years old and have battled with depression/severe anxiety/suicidal thoughts etc since I was about 12. In your case I do believe starting afresh may even do your confidence some good. A new person to talk to, although I do totally understand your fears. Most people think '' I'm all alone and I am trapped and can't get out of this''. You CAN do anything if you set your mind to it. Good luck with whatever you choose to do :hug:
     
  4. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    I'm scared of the hospital, to be honest. I know that probably sounds strange. If I walk in tomorrow, they'll probably do the same thing. Have me speak to a pdoc on call. If I feel I need to, though, I will.

    Starting fresh might very well help my confidence. I wouldn't mind speaking to you. That's exactly what I find myself thinking lately. Feeling alone. Feeling like I can't do this, and that there's no way out. I've battled them since I was about 12, as well. So, we have that in common.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Coolio :) Let's speak! Right so...you've been suffering since you were 12 with depression/suicidal thoughts? A few questions for you now if you don't mind answering..

    Did anything specific happen to you when you were aged 12 that has triggered you to feel the way you do now?

    2 months to get a psychologist is a long time for a person in a crisis (life/death situation)....is there only them near you? can you travel to find one even if it is a bit further?

    I know what it's like to be scared of being an impatient in a psychiatric unit. I was terrified when I first went in but I met some great friends in there and the laughs we had made me feel good(that was something I hadn't felt in a while), What is it that scares you exactly?... I still have some of those friends, although I will admit some did end up taking their own lives.Please don't go down that road. There is a road to recovery and you have just started it by posting here :hug:
     
  6. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Twelve was a tough year for me. I guess the transition from kid to preteen/teen is often tough for anyone. That was the year, though, that I got involved with the person who would later become my abuser. I often wonder how much goes back to her. I try not to think about it. I probably should. Maybe talking about it would be good for me.

    There are others around, but I can't afford them. The program I'm in is free. For people poverty level or lower. I don't have insurance, or medicaid,a nd can't afford to pay out of pocket. It's been making me frustrated, because it has made finding help hard.

    I want to believe I ccan recovery, and I'm trying to. But the road to it is looking harder and harder. I'm not sure what scares me about it. I guess, mostly, that it won't change anything.
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That is true, the transition from a child to teen is a bit rough for anyone. I am awfully sorry that you have suffered abuse, I did too, at age 12 and my advice to you would be to talk about it, it is hard but gets easier especially with someone you are comfortable talking about it to.

    Finding a therapist without having the opportunity to get a private one is extremely difficult. But it is possible... such as some colleges and universities will allow you to go to their low cost counselling,perhaps that is something to look into?

    The road to recovery is always hard, for anyone, but I myself have got to the recovered part after years of doubtfulness. Good luck x
     
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Some Nights - would like to assure you that recovery IS totally possible, and that you are on the right tracks in wanting to talk it through, and to have someone there to listen and to validate all your experiences and feelings and thoughts. SF is a very good place to have this happen :) Please PM me if you'd like to talk privately........ I do know what abuse feels like, and also how it seems that we're unable to change very much..... However, having come through to a place of healing...(which continues).... even the very worst of experiences can be integrated. Best thoughts, urP
     
  9. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    You're probably right. About talking about it. I rarely do, to be honest. Then again, there's a lot I rarely talk about. It took a while to get comfortable enough to talk about anything with my previous therapist.

    That is something I have considered looking into in the past. It is worth looking into again. I'm not sure where to start, though, to be honest.

    Recovery has been really hard. You go in, expecting it not to be, and then it ends up all over the place.

    I was hoping today would be better, but it's not. I'm feeling the same as I did last night. I barely made it to school. And when I did, I ended up locking myself in a stall in the bathroom to cry during our 10 minute break. Something has to give. I'm still having thoughts, but right now, I'm relatively safe. At home, mother here and awake. I may be an adult, but she watches me closely. I suspect my history has much to do with it.

    I might take you up on that PM. I'm not sure what to say at the moment. My mind is all over the place and I'm exhausted. I really didn't do anything today, but I feel like I ran a marathon. Thank you for the replies. It does help, talking. Although I'm still scared of my mind.
     
  10. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the double post. I just don't know what to do at this point.

    Ever since I was essentially told "Well, you have to wait until we set you up with another therapist and I don't know how long that will take." I have fallen deeper and deeper into this depression. I wanted to believe that I could be honest. That I could finally reach out. I don't think anyone gets it. Gets how hard it is for me to feel comfortable enough with someone to tell them what's going on in my head.

    My only remaining friend in the world sees the depression. I don't even have the energy to hide it anymore. I see people talking about putting on a mask, acting as though they're fine. I wish I still had the energy to do that. I don't. Now, I kind of just wander through life. Wearing it all over my face. She keeps telling me to get help. I want to get help. I just don't know how at this point.

    I feel like I have exhausted all my resources. I tried therapy. I tried medication - which got too expensive for me. I tried yoga, and lemon tea, and all that other BS they recommend you try. And it just won't go away. I could walk into the behavioral center as crisis. But right now, I have no ride there. I might tomorrow. Might. She said I could call 911. But why? I'm not actively suicidal, nor am I currently psychotic. Would they even be able to help me?

    I have no idea what I'm saying. I am popping pain killers like they're candy, but unless I'm doing it because I'm actively suicidal, will the ER even care?
     
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend


    Some Nights, I know how this feels, believe me... but that does not mean that there are no more resources left to try.... just that they haven't been met yet. In a nutshell these can be described as deeper truth and insight. I didn't think so, either, when I was suicidal, that anything would ever 'put me to rights'. But I was wrong! :)
     
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