Not sure how to change this behaviour.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Sa Palomera, Aug 25, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    So, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this. Normally I post thoughts or mindblurbs or questions that I think about on my personal website/blog, but I guess this stuff is a bit too.. delicate, I guess, for my family and some friends who know me off line to read..?

    Because of several factors in my life I'm pretty sure that I will not grow old, in fact I think I most likely only have about 8 years left. Before anyone gets concerned, I'm not terminally ill or anything, nor am I planning to kill myself in 8 years. It's just something I believe, due to my family's history. My closest friends know about this and trust me when I say I have had numerous talks with them in which they have tried to convince me that this is not the truth and that I will not die that young. Thankfully they have kinda accepted the fact that my feelings about this are too strong to be changed by their words, although they will still mention that they do not believe it to be true whenever the subject does come up. And to be honest, the fact that my father recently admitted that part of him is scared for my sister and myself to reach that age, that part of him is scared of one of us dying then, doesn't exactly help either.

    The closer I get to that certain age which I believe to be when I'll die, the more issues I'm facing though. I am not scared of death, and I have always believed that it's not a bad thing to die, but I do want to live. And I notice that the closer I get to that age, the more I have kinda stopped living if it comes to certain aspects of my life.

    I have always said I'm not one to have kids and that I do not like kids. This is true in a way, I guess, as I do not want to be a mother, nor do I want to hold babies and all that jazz. And whenever kids run around the store I work at, screaming and playing around I am reassured in my feelings. But lately I've also been seeing some really sweet and cute kids and babies and it's made me wonder whether I do not want kids because I do not like them or if it's because of the whole dying young thing.

    Same with being with someone, romantically. I mean, I know that I have a fear of commitment due to my history, so that makes it hard for me to actually surrender myself emotionally to someone, but I have been able to step into relationships online in the past and even some off line, but as soon as it gets serious I kinda mess it up one way or another.
    And then today I was supposed to go to this dance class for gay and lesbian singles (I'm gay, sexually anyway.. but that's a whole other story) and I cancelled last minute because I don't want to meet someone to fall in love with. Part of me was just nervous, part of me really wants to find that one person. But then part of me still believes that I met my soul mate 6 years ago but messed it up and that part is heart broken about them being engaged to be married later this year. But the loudest part of me says I simply cannot get involved with someone, have them fall in love with me and get serious only to have them left behind when I die in 8 years.

    It's no secret that the dying young thing is preventing me from making real long-term future plans. I'm pretty sure it's played part in me dropping out of university and getting a full-time job that's not what I used to dream of.
    In fact, I guess it's part of why I've given up on some of my dreams and settling for leading a satisfactory life rather than trying to achieve my dreams.
    That doesn't mean though that I'm unhappy. I'm happy with my job and the life I live, for the most part at least. And I'm quite proud of myself for achieving the things I've achieved over the last few years. I'm proud that I've gone from being too depressed to do anything but lay around the student house being online or watching television, having housemates cook for me and all that, to having a full-time job and living on my own, being financially independent.
    But it does get lonely sometimes. Especially at night. It's so quiet at home and I've considered taking in a cat from the animal shelter, but again there's that voice telling me I can't do that because in 8 years it'll have to move again and possibly go back to a shelter

    I've started questioning my motives more and more with every decision I make. Am I doing things because I want to do them, or am I subconsciously doing them because of the whole dying young thing..? I don't know anymore when I'm doing something for me or when I'm doing it because of that whole thing. It's like there's this big cloud of death hanging above me and I don't know whether the rain comes from that cloud or the other normal clouds... if that makes any sense? It's just engraved into me so deeply, over the years I've grown to believe in this so much that I just can't tell anymore whether I do things because of that or because I want them to.

    And honestly, I have no idea how to know why I'm doing this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.