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Not sure how to deal with Christmas memories...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Dec 10, 2015.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I was watching the advent calendar TV show tonight and after the episode they have been celebrating 25 years of those shows, by showing a music video from one of the earlier shows.

    Today was one from a show from 1993, when I was 3 years old... I do not remember watching that, but I remember the song and the video. I even found I knew it word for word...

    I had 3 Christmas videos on VHS. Rudolph and Frosty and a collection of those kinds of videos and other stuff. I don't know if mum recorded it or something... I have no idea.

    I'd watch those tapes every time I was feeling sad, or mum had locked me in my room when I was little. But I don't think I've even seen the tapes since I was 10.

    I just have all sorts of memories... and the song is now playing on repeat.

    I even remember running from my mother who had beaten me, tried to lock my own door; wrapping my blanket around me and starting the TV and watching this. I would hum along to the happy tune to comfort myself... things like that was all I had to run to.

    Christmas was always weird for me growing up. We had a tiny house, and mum would get the ugliest Christmas tree she could find. She would even ask the people who sold them for that. In the end they would even save her some... she got those that only had branches on one side so it didn't take up too much room.

    I remember desperately trying to help decorate the tree; something I knew other kids did with their parents and I would get told off no matter where I wanted to hang an ornament and I remember getting sent to my room just for that... or I'd run there myself because I knew where it was heading.

    I think that could be why Christmas stresses me out so much now, every year I want to make it perfect. I still have it with my mum, my aunt and my mum's aunt... and luckily now I am allowed to help decorate the tree... but I suppose that's because I have OCD like symptoms now... every bauble has to hang just right.
    I want everything to be absolutely perfect... so Christmassy... and some things you just can't force.

    And... this is crazy... but I am genuinely worried about the day I'll have kids of my own. I know I could never hurt a kid the way my mum would. But... what if I get way too fussy??
    I hope I'll raise kids with my boyfriend... he's so down to earth, he's the opposite of me. He's not a perfectionist... though he has OCD too and likes things in order... but I think even I can see that baubles in line isn't cozy and christmassy...

    Also... I'm worried about the presents I got for people... I don't have much, but I managed to buy some things I think is pretty neat. People mostly got what they wished for. My aunt drives me mad though... she told me exactly what to get her. I rebelled though. She got the makeup she wanted, and even gave me extra cash so she was sure I could afford... but I found some other stuff for her; I just had to rebel.

    Which also reminds me of why I hate writing wish lists... I was always told to do them, but then I was told I would get what mum wanted me to get. Even as a grown up... they would give me orders rather than wishes, and I was never allowed to ask for something I wanted.

    This year I am getting what I wished for though... I wished for food, canned goods... It's fun being poor. huh.

    I just wish I could stop all these random memories of my childhood from flooding in. I try to bottle that crap up... if people talk about their childhood I usually say I have a weird memory...
  2. Leon2

    Leon2 Active Member

    Thanks for sharing your story, hope you have a lovely Xmas
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yes... thank you for sharing this with us. I was a bit shocked to read you were locked into a room, that is terrible. I hope you don't have PTSD from that and it was something you could eventually forgive and move on from, I hope you're getting the right supports to help you through your past. You are a beautiful person (not just saying that), you really are, you stand out from the crowd as being special and thoughtful,I am sure you will be a great mom to your future children. OCD can be treated and you will be a brilliant mum. Have a wonderful and special christmas with a tree you think is beautiful and perfect, bless you x
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you for the replies. I just needed to get this out. No one really knows how bad my childhood was... my boyfriend knows more than most. My mum hated me and did so many things... I try to forget... because I can't forgive.

    I've seen a therapist sone years ago who tried to mend some stuff... but I never opened up fully to her. I've been on a waiting list for several months. If I'm lucky I get help in February.

    I was never diagnosed with it... but I'm sure I am living with PTSD, both from mum locking me in my room or the closet, or leaving saying she wouldn't come back when I was only 5... All the physical and mental bullying all through school and being attacked and raped... Blegh.

    I diagnosed my boyfriend with PTSD linked to his accident as a kid and hospital stay that left him brain damaged... he's being treated for it now and the therapist was apparently furious (not at him!) That he hadn't been helped much sooner...

    But yeah... I have to live with this. This year my boyfriend will be in my pocket like he was last year. He couldn't be online but he sent me timed messages helping me get through it.

    Mum and I even had a talk about surviving Christmas. We both found out my aunt drives us mad. We've both decides on giving her sone tasks... and I'll bring my mandala colouring book so I can leave the room and calm down a bit...
    That colouring book I have is magic. Especially to help my OCD. I can control the colours and stuff and it helps...

    I only wish I could forget the way I grew up. My boyfriend wants to help me... but he's got enough trouble... and he gets so shocked when I tell him stuff...